Long Distance Love Story A poem by Larry Estrada Jr.

The long distance love story. By Larry Estrada Jr.

Loving someone from a distance. 

Wishing for the touch of thier skin cheek to cheek

Longing to be anything but alone

Not being heard by the one you love

Finding to respit in the night

Knowing this is not right

Spiralling into the abyss 

The fewl of his touch yet I still miss

Knowing this is not going to end well

The Cancer sets in

The tears rush to the surface

He begs you to fight

The pain is to hard to bear

He isnt even there 

Alone in a world so cold

Is this a dream 

Or is this my reality.

Heartbreaking at least for me

So as many of you know I picked up my life and moved out of Kansas and into Boston.  Its been a total rollercoaster Ive had amazing ups but with the Ups come the downs I as most of you know have been on disability for a long time and out here 731 a month isnt enough unless you have a serious voucher well I did everything that you can do and never got word back. So i said screw it I went back to work took three jobs and got financially stable and even had investments for a life after I  wanted to quit working and even had investments set aside to make a bit of capital  so i could finally open my little food truck and cafe. Everything was looking at I was feesably between one and two years out for having all the money I needed to start up with no loans then in December the first talk of the virus and the market started to crash. BUT I thought it was gonna be fine but no I  lost everything and now I'm so scared of everything 

 I am barely going to be able to pay my  very minimum bills my credits shot now and everyone is saying not to worry it will all be ok but I  dont think that it will. Not for my dreams and my future. Aren't We all Allowed to dream big and work hard and smart to make those dreams become a reality.  Well thats all ive got for this messege guys keep your heads up and remember when the darkness falls there will always be a light to guide you on your way. A:ho mitakuye oyasin https://www.supportful.com/1a8c3326-6916-4cf2-b4cd-5cf67c19c7b0

well its its official ive lost my lifes Savings

When the market crashed i had invested a little more than 150k well thats what my stocks had gone up to anyways it was every thing that I had ever saved put into an investment fund and it tanked and I don't mean im at what I put in but I lost all but 49 dollars i put in over 20 thousand dollars in my tipd my side gigs every prnny I did not need for food bus and rent went into my investments accounts and now what I have is not a single thing.  I had plans I was going to open my own shop nothing special just some simple fry bread and ndn tacos and desserts.  But I didn't rush and pull the trigger and save what had built once the market trickled a bit like everyone else. I thought just ride it out it'll get better but no it got worse then worse and  now I am stuck with bills and im robbinv peter to pay paul and for what. I just want to give up. But someine said crowdfunding was a good idea well maybe i can get a little money to get me through this and have a bit to start over who knows so here it is because lord knows that I have no other choice but to do this and pray for a miracle https://www.supportful.com/1a8c3326-6916-4cf2-b4cd-5cf67c19c7b0

covid-19

https://www.facebook.com/donate/1459086114252084/?fundraiser_source=external_url

 So I started a fundraiser because i lost my job i cant pay my bills because ui benis arent sufficient. i am on the verge of suicide because im better of dead and will be dead if i get evicted. life isnt worth living alone destitute and on the streets i dont feel anyone cares and theres nothing i can do. im so broken my life is worthless and i dont even think the money from the findraiser will help get me through this very hard time.

knowing ones self worth

I have never known my Value Ive never known if I am worthy of anything. I Know I have doubted if people love me. I know that I feel like I dont deserve to be happy. I find My fiance getting sexual messeges from people he says are just friends I think thats ok because he treats me like I am always in the wrong. I find he has gay hook up apps in use with current messeges on his phone he says they are old even though the messeges are from today and yesterday so i let it go because im supposed to because he says im so lucky he is with me. I will neved do better than him. He is most likely right. Im old Im ugly Im fat I should be grateful he is with me. Why then Do I feel horrible? It doesnt matter he is having sex with other people he stays with me and I In fact should be grateful that he stays with me. this is the best I will ever do or have. Its fine. Time to bottle up these useless feelings and go to work. it doesnt matter and obviously no body cares so just keep pushing on..

Cassio

So for years and Years Ive been single I finally figured out why I was meant to move to Boston to find the person I intend to spend the rest of my Life with. His Name is Cassio. I fell hard and fast for him. Its not just a whirlwind romance its an Epic love. I cannot see my life without him. we fit we Match he is the component my life has been missing. He is the polar opposite of myself yet we fit. We dont have the same tastes he is extremely femme but he is that part of me I need he is 100% gentle which smooths my rough edges. I am not just enamored with him I genuinely love this man. He has a sas that is not afraid to show. All I want to do is spend my life showering him with love and kindness. he is soft where I am hard he is not embittered or jaded he is kind and optimistic. He is truly Amazing what else would he be to make me fall in love with him. he is so much so that I the person who believed would never find love found it in him. My heart is full my cup runneth over because he has graced my life with his presence. For this I am grateful for him I am grateful. I have been blessed...

Long days

So today started early af but Im getting through it just another average day here in boston I am doing laundry at the Laundromat I am Hoping to get A big dryer but thats really the luck of the draw. The cheapest laundromat it a mile from my house but I went ahead and lyfted here and plan to lyft back. no I am not being lazy it's just too far too walk with so much stuff . its hard to do everything but i manage. lifes what it is for me like everyone else. it can be really hard to get around somedays but thats life for everyone right. I am goung to go get fiod after and maybe see a film cause well I can. thats my update sorrt for not blogging more but it gets hard when Life gets in the way...

its been a while since ive posted

So ive been in boston almost a year now its been really hard but I have a great team of doctors now I have a really good job working in a resturant I am surviving each and everyday. Yeah I miss home every day but you know what its ok I am alright my bills get paid I take care of business everyday its the life . Anyway imma keep this real short just know im loving life even the hard and painful days.

First post living in Boston

So its been just shy of a month since Ive mad the move to Boston Massachusetts. Ive been staying at an airbnb hostel and its getting kind of expensive awaiting the rapid rehousing program that I applied for ive made many calls and gone to several offices to apply. Im getting nervous because ive already run out of money from this months social security check after my very minimal bills and paying them rent im paid through till the 22nd but I fear thats not enough. But I know that I will be ok its been a huge change in my life and ive made changes before but never alone with no support network of any kind so its scary. I just have to keep assuring myself that all will be well. In the end ill be just fine and I know that absolutely everything will be ok . Thats my little rant for now everything else is going great and to be honest is absolutely grateful.

RIP Danny Boy

Daniel Ware known to his friends and family and the indian community as Danny boy. He was a loving bright child interested in music school and his native community. He was full of joy and had a smile that could brighten up your darkest day. He was loved by all who had the opportunity to know him. He was fun and precocious as any other 6 year old boy. He was the light of his grandmother Roberta Ware's life. He would often spend time with his godmother state representative Ponka-We Victors they were pretty inseparable when they were together. He brought joy to his entire family and his Native American community. He lived to go to the powwow with his mother Kelci and grandmother  Berta. He loved his ninha turtles and he loved school.  He was looking forward to the new school year. His mother Kelci Godmother Ponka-We Grandmother Berta are all absolutely devastated by this loss as are the rest of our family we have started a go fundme account to help with his final expenses.
My aunt Roberta Ware would like to thank the WPD and all of wichitas first responders for thier help and compassion in our families time of tragedy.
https://www.gofundme.com/for-are-beloved-son here is the hyperlink to the gofundme account for danny boy our family would like to take thetime to thank all people who make or have made a donation.
             Thank you again from dannys uncle larry.

The Terms of my mortality

So many people do not understand death I have come to embrace the fact that I am going to die much sooner than most I know I will not live more than a few more years if I get that. I'll be lucky to reach age 50 and it doesn't scare me, I have come to terms with the fact that death is just another journey that we as spiritual humans have to take. Some people think that I am depressed or niahalistic but I am niether I have jus tcome to terms with the fact thet my death will come sooner than others. When death does come to take me I will meet death as an old friend not a foe I shall not fight him but embrace him lovingly as one does an old friend and we will walk on into the night and he will guide me on my journey to that next world. I dont fear it am I ready No honestly I dont think any of us are ever ready to take that journey but do i fear what is next No its just the next phase of my spiritual growth.
 It doesnt make me sad or angry that i will take that journey sooner than most I have had a good Life I have lived and done many things so many others never have the courage to do.So as I prepare every day for this amazing next step I live each of these days as though it is my last because one never knows what the next sunrise shall bring. Life is a series of many wonderous events for some they are very unfortnate ive had the oppoutunity to have both good and bad things happen to me I take the bad with the good and vise versa for everything I go through has made me the person Ive evolved into todaythis is something I will eternally be grateful for nothing will or can ever take that from me and I am forever grateful for everything that has and ever will happen in my very full life and yes my life is and has been full.

allot going on lately

So Life has taken a drastic turn Ive had many changes and its been like being on an huge roller coaster for the past few years. I still have my good days and I still have my bad days . I have days racked with pain and then there are days where I feel really good living with a chronic pain disorder and HIV along with the myriad of other things that I have going on is not easy I have stopped going to therapy only because I stopped having a stable living and day to day environment its hard enough to work on yourself when you have a stable environment but when you are literally couch hopping and feeling more worthless than ever therapy  is the last thing n ones mind I am not saying that it was the best decision I could have made but its why I made the decision. I know I still have allot to work on and get over in my life I am working on me everyday using the tools i learned in my therapy but still I have to just take every moment as it comes. Life isn't easy it never will be especially when you have a very dysfunctional family that you just cant let go of because no matter what you love them.
 I know its not going to be easy its not going to be an easy journey on my own when I move to Boston but I know Ill eventually be alright its going to be tough on my own but i know I will make it I always make it on my own I am a survivor I always have been. I have set a plan into motion to get me to Boston and into a good housing situation there. I haven't asked for help not for me anyway and I know I never will I will be ok on my own. I know in the past I've asked people to help my sister and her kids or other relatives I never ask for help for myself because I can do me on my own I can take care of myself. I don't turn peoples help down don't get me wrong when someone offers to help i will accept it but I don't ask because I know i am grown and can do it myself I am tired of people thinking I am a beggar and a mooch again another reason I don't ask for help from people. So I know I am totally rambling but theres allot I have to say and so much to catch people up on.
 As I get ready for this big 1400+ mile move from Kansas to Massachusetts I keep getting more exited and nervous something is just going to go wrong and I am going to be stuck here I don't want to be stuck in Kansas any longer there are so many better housing programs in ma and the medicaid program there is the best in the nation I mean I will have far better opportunities there than I have here in the mid west and maybe just maybe after I get a transplant I can go back to work and I will feel more productive. I know I have allot to share as a human being and I know that there is more to life than just the Internet I one day plan to tell people my story to help change lives to help change the face of HIV I want t to help end HIV and End the Stigma of it. and that all starts with education.
anyway I am gonna sign off for a while Ill post again soon.

Life isnt always what you think

So finding that my family hates me breaks me inside. My niece decided to start things with my sister and I and manipulate my sister. I no longer care ill move out of state and fet away from them i only stayed to help and i get thrown away. I feel completely worthless and still getting treated like garbage because my niece makes my sister think im talking bad against her so its fine believe the liar i just dont care she lies about everything playes the victim creates drama and makes everyone else at fault but the truth is shes the problem.  Shes just like her aunt whos crazy. I feel nothing for walkinh away i will leave and let them drown in thier drama that they created i will never forget that i was thrown away like yesterday's garbage im not running away im walking away from the negative environment.  Its not my fault that they hate me its the lies and deception being thrown around. So i will leave and just walk away

The one true inevitable

Death its something inevitable
Life doesnt always seem worthwhile
Living in a world cold and empty
Alone with my racing thoughts
Ive tried over and over to be accepted
For what people who will never care
Death its something inevitable
Why do so many fear it
Life is more scary vying for love
When everyone says your unworthy
Rejection stigma life
Death its something inevitable
Life is just a game
People are selfish
People are thoughtless
Death its something inevitable
When there is nothing left
Life becomes nothing
Death its just something that is inevitable.

A walk in the dark

SO its been a rough couple of years we've gone through hell and back in a handbasket we worked so hard to get into my sister's house only to find that my brother-in-law destroyed it he hasn't followed any of the judge's orders he stopped paying child support and alimony he's done everything in his power to make my sister's life unlivable destroyed her home her kids home and he doesn't care. It's really sad when a person you know and love falls into such an addiction he just lost himself that being said comma I haven't posted regularly and a couple of years because a family member stalks my blog. And what this person in my family does is tries to discredit everything I've said everything I try to do by raising awareness and speaking out about safer sex practices it's just everything in your power because she so miserable she try to make all of us miserable my other siblings and I but I've decided I'm going to start plugging more regularly and definitely keep you updated on this post. See my sister has a GoFundMe account and we need all the help we can get I know I've lost a lot of followers because I haven't been posting but my sister needs visibility on top of being hiv-positive needing a heart transplant my kidneys having failed now I'm dealing with this so here's the link to my sister's GoFundMe and this will tell you what we walked into when we took over this house have a great day thanks for reading.

https://www.gofundme.com/2squtnps

Fuck Life I Want it to be over

Constantly feeling beat down and emotionally abused I am sick of being treated like shit because my sisters abusive ex is treating her like dog shit. I cannot support someone who is unwilling to stop allowing someone else to control her via manipulation and hated . then to be talked down to when I ry to help in some way. so fuck it I am looking for a new place to stay as of today i dont want to do this shit with her anymore. I am tired of being overtly hated because I am trying to help when someone doesnt want the fucking help. maybe I might just fucking take a walk and then jump off a fucking bridge no one would miss me because its obvious I dont matter to anyone.Especially not my family.

Trial and Error

   So some of you may not know that I have moved in with my sister to help her with her kids since she got her divorce from her husband. It has been extremely difficult to deal with him in particular especially when it comes to the kids. Its very unfortunate the way he has become. He has grown extremely abusive to every one in my family verbally and has started threatening us with legal actions. well he has not hired any attorney to do whatever he plans to do but lets just talk about last night which is one of many stunts hes pulled;

      Last night he was supposed to come and pick up the girls to take them for the night well at a reasonable hour he decided he could show up at 9:30 on a school night then when I told him they were in bed asleep he said then fine I will tell them good night i said no you wont you will not come in this house he tried to forcibly enter and I stood my ground he backed off and started calling me B.S. names. I am sorry but what man comes at 9:30 at night on a school night to pick up thier kids then wants to wake them up and say good night not one who is in his right mind. ( mind you Ive been seeing a new therapist for the last two months because i realized that this stress was really getting to me and I needed to work on myself to be a better brother to my sister and uncle to her children and not let this type of behavior truly get me out of sorts.) So I spoke to my therapist about this latest of really outlandish episodes of his and it turns out that No I am not in the wrong for not letting him in my house at 9:30 at night that he indeed had no right to show up unannounced and try to come in to get the girls I refuse to let them go in his care when he is like this but he believes that I was in the wrong that he can do what ever he wants that he doesn't have to respect our home but we have to respect his. that we are responsible for the electronics he gets for the girls but hes not even responsible to give the girls their medications as prescribed when they are in his care . thats the kids responsibility. 

     this shit goes on and on and has me stressed as shit on top of all that he sends these hateful e-mails to my sister on an hourly basis he insists on being cruel and hateful to her to attempt to intimidate her and scare her. And he wonders why I want to kick his ass like every ten minutes cause he is just so easy to get along with right but your abusive to my sister bitch that is why I want to beat you to a pulp But i have yet to act on my feelings. thank god I have a lot more patience.

A few months back

So today I spent most of the day in the emergency room but it was not for me my niece was very ill today . Today its been nearly 4 years since i almost lost my life on the operating table in april of 2012 I went in to the hospital because all of my internal organs started to shut down. it was a very harsh and scary experience for both myself and my family. they were so afraid that they were going to lose me that month I was there for quite some time i had multiple surgeries to save my life and I barely made in fact my heart had stopped 30 times and I was legally dead aftger one time when i went over 7 minutes with no blood circulation to my brain. they were afraid that i would be brain damaged but luckily only my memory was affected i lost some of my short term memory and some long term memories I still hhave what  ilke to call my ahah moments where I rememeber somthing from my youth or a memory of my past . I have many flooding emotions as if they are fresh as the day they happend like the day my ex and I broke up. but with the good memories that flood back so too must the sad flood back. with out pain and suffering there can be no compassion I have learned that we must have the bad times in order to appriciate all the good times and the blessings that come our way.
    so with that i will come back to the beggining i took my niece to the er today she had heart pain she is suffering from her current relationship her boyfriend is toying with her emotions playing her like a second rate fiddle and it so fucking frustrating. it causes her heart to hurt and she is broken inside and there is nothing that i c an do except be supportive I took her to a couple of intuitives I know here and they helped her they shed some light on her situation they were loving and kind and caring and gave her constructive projects to teach her self love . my niece you see hace the most radiant smile when she smiles she smiles from her very core from her spirit that light shines through and she can make anyones day better with the flash of her very spiritually beautiful smile. she is one of the most beautiful people on this earth and no its not because i am biased its because it is the truth . No one can light up a room like her. she shines litterally shines with the light of what you might call god or creator but she shines beyone anyone you will ever meet. I like to believe that i had something to do with that because i taught her to shine from her very spirit. even when she is at her darkest her light is so very bright and i showed her how to let it shine through. Of that i am truly grateful .
    when i look back at everything that has happend to all of us its not as bad as others have had it but it left its mark on each of us.

A New Chapter

Well its been quite a while since I have blogged. its mostly because I have a hater in my family who insists on dragging my name through the dirt along with many other peoples names in my family. It's unfair to me and my readers that i feel like I must hide away from my blog my space to hide from her.  So I have decided that I will continue in my blogging journey and will make more posts.
    Living with HIV has not been easy there is a ton of stigma far too much lack of education and far to many people just sweeping HIV under the rug. While HIV is no longer a death sentence it still is a life sentence with the introduction of PrEP Many people have begun to let go of the stigma dating in the HIV pos neg world has gotten easier people are educating themselves and its refreshing . There is still a lack of education in LGBT youth of course because no one wants to hear it at that age. I've been blessed to have many people thank me for my posts about statistics and facts. also about my personal experiences . It is very refreshing when people take the time to read what I have to say and take it seriously .
    I truly believe the more we talk about it with each other our partners our children the more chance of us beating this virus. I refuse to give up the fight even with all my other health conditions I want to be the face of change I want to see an effective cure in the future I want so much to see the end of this virus and continue to live in a world where people respect and love each other. that's all I've got for now..
    Thanks for reading I hope to have more to say in the near future.

Alone forever alone

I have lived this life in a constant ebb and flow I've been a lover of men I've been a lover of women I've never found what I've been looking for. I have lived a solitary life of often sadness but I've never regretted being kind and loving to others until recently. I am terminal and people have taken advantage of this I know that to keep from being hurt by humanity I must keep myself hardened and be free of anything that could bind me to another human being. This is the hardest decision I've ever had too make and that is my curse I am going to be alone until the stars fall and my eternal winter has come this is something I've become complacent with life may be lonely but I won't be hurt again as tears fall from my eyes in my solitude I'll find comfort in knowing that I'll be home soon may people understand that the kindest thing is often the hardest thing.