A few months back

So today I spent most of the day in the emergency room but it was not for me my niece was very ill today . Today its been nearly 4 years since i almost lost my life on the operating table in april of 2012 I went in to the hospital because all of my internal organs started to shut down. it was a very harsh and scary experience for both myself and my family. they were so afraid that they were going to lose me that month I was there for quite some time i had multiple surgeries to save my life and I barely made in fact my heart had stopped 30 times and I was legally dead aftger one time when i went over 7 minutes with no blood circulation to my brain. they were afraid that i would be brain damaged but luckily only my memory was affected i lost some of my short term memory and some long term memories I still hhave what  ilke to call my ahah moments where I rememeber somthing from my youth or a memory of my past . I have many flooding emotions as if they are fresh as the day they happend like the day my ex and I broke up. but with the good memories that flood back so too must the sad flood back. with out pain and suffering there can be no compassion I have learned that we must have the bad times in order to appriciate all the good times and the blessings that come our way.
    so with that i will come back to the beggining i took my niece to the er today she had heart pain she is suffering from her current relationship her boyfriend is toying with her emotions playing her like a second rate fiddle and it so fucking frustrating. it causes her heart to hurt and she is broken inside and there is nothing that i c an do except be supportive I took her to a couple of intuitives I know here and they helped her they shed some light on her situation they were loving and kind and caring and gave her constructive projects to teach her self love . my niece you see hace the most radiant smile when she smiles she smiles from her very core from her spirit that light shines through and she can make anyones day better with the flash of her very spiritually beautiful smile. she is one of the most beautiful people on this earth and no its not because i am biased its because it is the truth . No one can light up a room like her. she shines litterally shines with the light of what you might call god or creator but she shines beyone anyone you will ever meet. I like to believe that i had something to do with that because i taught her to shine from her very spirit. even when she is at her darkest her light is so very bright and i showed her how to let it shine through. Of that i am truly grateful .
    when i look back at everything that has happend to all of us its not as bad as others have had it but it left its mark on each of us.

A New Chapter

Well its been quite a while since I have blogged. its mostly because I have a hater in my family who insists on dragging my name through the dirt along with many other peoples names in my family. It's unfair to me and my readers that i feel like I must hide away from my blog my space to hide from her.  So I have decided that I will continue in my blogging journey and will make more posts.
    Living with HIV has not been easy there is a ton of stigma far too much lack of education and far to many people just sweeping HIV under the rug. While HIV is no longer a death sentence it still is a life sentence with the introduction of PrEP Many people have begun to let go of the stigma dating in the HIV pos neg world has gotten easier people are educating themselves and its refreshing . There is still a lack of education in LGBT youth of course because no one wants to hear it at that age. I've been blessed to have many people thank me for my posts about statistics and facts. also about my personal experiences . It is very refreshing when people take the time to read what I have to say and take it seriously .
    I truly believe the more we talk about it with each other our partners our children the more chance of us beating this virus. I refuse to give up the fight even with all my other health conditions I want to be the face of change I want to see an effective cure in the future I want so much to see the end of this virus and continue to live in a world where people respect and love each other. that's all I've got for now..
    Thanks for reading I hope to have more to say in the near future.

Alone forever alone

I have lived this life in a constant ebb and flow I've been a lover of men I've been a lover of women I've never found what I've been looking for. I have lived a solitary life of often sadness but I've never regretted being kind and loving to others until recently. I am terminal and people have taken advantage of this I know that to keep from being hurt by humanity I must keep myself hardened and be free of anything that could bind me to another human being. This is the hardest decision I've ever had too make and that is my curse I am going to be alone until the stars fall and my eternal winter has come this is something I've become complacent with life may be lonely but I won't be hurt again as tears fall from my eyes in my solitude I'll find comfort in knowing that I'll be home soon may people understand that the kindest thing is often the hardest thing.

Death the next great adventure

I've been terminal now for a while I've been wishing for death and the end of my suffering for several months I'm in constant consistent pain. Yet still I am here I cry in agonizing pain every night I silently suffer don't complain yet state the facts. People think that I am just depressed yet the reality is I'll never have a heart transplant because medicaid doesn't cover it the government fought me on my disability in order too make it short term payout if I don't.qualify for the medically nessiserry surgery then I will get disability for the rest.of my life and because even with the surgery I'd still be permanently disabled this is shorter term paying our for a few years verses twenty thirty or more. I'm ready really if the world is so selfish too continue to let people die then help them live I'd rather go home anyway there's nothing here for me I've got no one too love or be with I'm glad to let go and go back into the loving arms of the creator that breathed me into life by giving me a breath and putting me here to see and learn what I have. I am ready now so when he calls me to take that journey he knows I'm ready and unafraid. What awaits is nothing to be afraid of its a glorious awesome and amazingly beautiful place. So when I go don't think it's a bad thing everyday is a good day too die. Death is just a journey through the process of shedding this skin I will be released unto the next world which is more spectacular than anything I can explain.

Not wanting to go on

I've been sick so long life hadn't been easy and I'm still here suffering I consistently get shit in by family and friends nothing I do is ever enough no one takes seriously that I'm dying. I'm tired of the slow painful I decided the other night too attempt suicide I lived I don't want to be here any more it's so fucking hard and I know I'm dying already why can't it just be quick. I'm tired of being in pain I'm tired of hateful people who only think ABOUT themselves I feel like No one cared about me ever. it's time.to.finally just be.done

Heartache

So it's been a while since I've posted its been a long hard year and a half I'm a horrible blogger. I know life catches up with so many of us.well I was not suppose to live to see my 35th birthday after what happen with my what was supposed to be very minor non invasive heart surgery well it turned into a nightmare I had pneumonia very bad fluid everywhere in my heart lungs they were honestly surprised I was alive well they tossed a pacemaker in and both doctors and relatives prayed. this is where I must stop and say on thing my life is and never has been my own I'm a living breathing miracle so God does exist. Yes I have been through allot but my life belongs to the creator and his will is all that can ve done that said back to my story. So I went into a coma I say I slept for a while cause that's what it felt like I  did. I made it back I made it through two birthdays and I've struggled to make ends meet that's life though living with my health conditions are a life sentence I suffer allot but it's for a reason I think that reason is to tell my story my struggles to people so they know to take care of themselves because getting tested seeing your doctor taking care of your health is so important life would not,be the same without you in it may light guide your way and may you find love and peace in this world may this journey we are all on find us one day gathered together in friendship and love be well be safe and take care of yourselves and eachother blessings to all L.

Heartbeat

When my heart stops beating will you notice.
When my mornings stop rising will it matter.
When my star falls will anyone notice.
As I look afar to see what's coming I see no future.
Life has come too a standstill for myself,
Yet no-one sees me.
As I draw my final breath dies anyone notice does anyone care?
I've lived a life unaccompanied by grandeur yet full of wonder,
I've asked myself what have I done for the world and still nothing worthwhile comes to mind.
Do I continue to live like I mean nothing.?
I feel as though I do not matter.
Life is a reflection in the mirror.
I've done nothing odd consequence.
I truly matter to no one when my day comes to an end I'll go quietly into the night.
There will be no great battle no fight I'll be naught but a feint memory.
Life is just a drop in the waterfall of the universe.