Death the next great adventure

I've been terminal now for a while I've been wishing for death and the end of my suffering for several months I'm in constant consistent pain. Yet still I am here I cry in agonizing pain every night I silently suffer don't complain yet state the facts. People think that I am just depressed yet the reality is I'll never have a heart transplant because medicaid doesn't cover it the government fought me on my disability in order too make it short term payout if I don't.qualify for the medically nessiserry surgery then I will get disability for the rest.of my life and because even with the surgery I'd still be permanently disabled this is shorter term paying our for a few years verses twenty thirty or more. I'm ready really if the world is so selfish too continue to let people die then help them live I'd rather go home anyway there's nothing here for me I've got no one too love or be with I'm glad to let go and go back into the loving arms of the creator that breathed me into life by giving me a breath and putting me here to see and learn what I have. I am ready now so when he calls me to take that journey he knows I'm ready and unafraid. What awaits is nothing to be afraid of its a glorious awesome and amazingly beautiful place. So when I go don't think it's a bad thing everyday is a good day too die. Death is just a journey through the process of shedding this skin I will be released unto the next world which is more spectacular than anything I can explain.

Not wanting to go on

I've been sick so long life hadn't been easy and I'm still here suffering I consistently get shit in by family and friends nothing I do is ever enough no one takes seriously that I'm dying. I'm tired of the slow painful I decided the other night too attempt suicide I lived I don't want to be here any more it's so fucking hard and I know I'm dying already why can't it just be quick. I'm tired of being in pain I'm tired of hateful people who only think ABOUT themselves I feel like No one cared about me ever. it's time.to.finally just be.done

Heartache

So it's been a while since I've posted its been a long hard year and a half I'm a horrible blogger. I know life catches up with so many of us.well I was not suppose to live to see my 35th birthday after what happen with my what was supposed to be very minor non invasive heart surgery well it turned into a nightmare I had pneumonia very bad fluid everywhere in my heart lungs they were honestly surprised I was alive well they tossed a pacemaker in and both doctors and relatives prayed. this is where I must stop and say on thing my life is and never has been my own I'm a living breathing miracle so God does exist. Yes I have been through allot but my life belongs to the creator and his will is all that can ve done that said back to my story. So I went into a coma I say I slept for a while cause that's what it felt like I  did. I made it back I made it through two birthdays and I've struggled to make ends meet that's life though living with my health conditions are a life sentence I suffer allot but it's for a reason I think that reason is to tell my story my struggles to people so they know to take care of themselves because getting tested seeing your doctor taking care of your health is so important life would not,be the same without you in it may light guide your way and may you find love and peace in this world may this journey we are all on find us one day gathered together in friendship and love be well be safe and take care of yourselves and eachother blessings to all L.

Heartbeat

When my heart stops beating will you notice.
When my mornings stop rising will it matter.
When my star falls will anyone notice.
As I look afar to see what's coming I see no future.
Life has come too a standstill for myself,
Yet no-one sees me.
As I draw my final breath dies anyone notice does anyone care?
I've lived a life unaccompanied by grandeur yet full of wonder,
I've asked myself what have I done for the world and still nothing worthwhile comes to mind.
Do I continue to live like I mean nothing.?
I feel as though I do not matter.
Life is a reflection in the mirror.
I've done nothing odd consequence.
I truly matter to no one when my day comes to an end I'll go quietly into the night.
There will be no great battle no fight I'll be naught but a feint memory.
Life is just a drop in the waterfall of the universe.

Love doesn't exist for me

No matter what I'll never achieve A love of my own i never stood a chance with clay it was doomed from the beginning nothing will ever work why because I'm a piece of shit and for this I'm going too end it no one should ever have to deal with me again I'm nothing I'm worthless my Sister Micaela i's right i deserve to die i should not be allowed to breathe the same air as any one else I'm worthless so this might very well be my lady blog entry so say goodbye all sorry to be a disappointment

Been Really Sick Lately

I don't know how to feel about this I am breaking off a relationship due to circumstances I am truly for the first time In my life utterly in love with someone that doesn't love me the same way it hurts I don't know how to feel I want to be with him and He wants somehow to be with me but because of My HIV he cant wrap his mind about it . I don't want to lose him as a person in my life but it looks like that is what is going to happen I cant fathom just being friends and I cant fathom being with anyone else so I am putting myself back on Paxil to help me deal sexually I don't want to be with anyone anymore its just the same fucking road blocks that i fall into I fell for him like i fall for many guys but the time we spent together was like being in heaven I just don't know how to deal emotionally with everything that I have to deal with I am so tired of this fucking virus its just making me so bitter I have been diagnosed for over 15 years and its just not fair that I have to always deal with it I wish I had never met Matt I wish I had never contracted HIV I wish I had never had to deal with this I feel like running to the rez and just giving in to my virus and letting go and saying goodbye HIV isn't going to be the thing that kills me its going to be my heart condition I spent about five hours in the ER the other day from having bronchitis I hate constantly getting sick I've been dealing with this since I was a little kid it sucks can someone please just take me away from here and take me to a better place from the hell that I live in everyday. I just want to be Happy with the person I love I just cant ever find the one person who can handle everything I have to deal with on a daily basis god only knows where My life is going to lead when its my time to go But for fucks sake I am so goddamn tired of dealing with it all. My life is never going to be easy I am never going to get past the stigma of this bullshit and I will never find happiness in a world that ostracizes me for something that just happened to me where do I go from here i think living alone and single and isolating is whats going to happen I think that taking me out of the equation will make every ones life a whole lot easier but I will never be happy alone or otherwise He thinks that i should try to be with someone else I just don't see myself trying anymore I am just done with relationships its too hard to deal with all the stigma and issues and the rumors and hatred especially from my own family I have tried for far too long to appease everyone in my life and I cant handle it anymore life isn't worth living or fighting for when there is no one there that is going to stand beside you and be there for you through thick and thin and i am not talking about a best friend I am talking about a lover the great love of my life which is something I want more than anything but it seems just out of reach so far out of reach that it is like roping the moon and the stars to make a world bright and loving and I just don't have it in me any longer to continue with trying to be with anyone its just far too much for me although he wants to remain friends and he truly loves me I cant see myself putting through myself through any of this any longer its far too much for my broken heart to handle I love him he loves me just we cant seem to be together and well he is all I want and I am not what he wants friends isn't enough for me and I know I will never be satisfied being just a friend I am always just a friend My heart cant handle it any more ....

Well Still Unable to blog without My sister still stalking My Blog I still have to sit and wait till she litterally stops reading My posts nothing I say or do is worth anything because she invalidates anything I do or say I am sick and tired of all this backstabbing hatefullness I wish her tot just leave me the hell alone but she wont get it through head I have nothing left for her I am drained and I am sick and tired I went through a year of hell getting chemo and the like but I am lying and I not sick and have not had HIV and do not have HIV according to her I am Blogging for the attention I am also Not doing anything for my country or my people why because I have not and my family have not paid her expoectant ways Oh well such is Life stop reading my blog Im not Lying about anything and I am tired of you defaming My name stop reading My blog and trying to invalidate anything and everything I have to say I have gone to I dotn know how many schools and talked to I dont know how many students about the dangers of this virus and other health issues it can cause and or exacerbate but I am the one who is uneducated you talk a big talk but You dont walk the walk leave me alone this is the last time if you continue on this course of actionI will get a legal order to have your blogs removed from blogger anything with My name or my parents names leave us all alone since you hate us so damn much leave us in peace peace be unto you and your family because its no longer a part of ours