Love doesn't exist for me

No matter what I'll never achieve A love of my own i never stood a chance with clay it was doomed from the beginning nothing will ever work why because I'm a piece of shit and for this I'm going too end it no one should ever have to deal with me again I'm nothing I'm worthless my Sister Micaela i's right i deserve to die i should not be allowed to breathe the same air as any one else I'm worthless so this might very well be my lady blog entry so say goodbye all sorry to be a disappointment

Been Really Sick Lately

I don't know how to feel about this I am breaking off a relationship due to circumstances I am truly for the first time In my life utterly in love with someone that doesn't love me the same way it hurts I don't know how to feel I want to be with him and He wants somehow to be with me but because of My HIV he cant wrap his mind about it . I don't want to lose him as a person in my life but it looks like that is what is going to happen I cant fathom just being friends and I cant fathom being with anyone else so I am putting myself back on Paxil to help me deal sexually I don't want to be with anyone anymore its just the same fucking road blocks that i fall into I fell for him like i fall for many guys but the time we spent together was like being in heaven I just don't know how to deal emotionally with everything that I have to deal with I am so tired of this fucking virus its just making me so bitter I have been diagnosed for over 15 years and its just not fair that I have to always deal with it I wish I had never met Matt I wish I had never contracted HIV I wish I had never had to deal with this I feel like running to the rez and just giving in to my virus and letting go and saying goodbye HIV isn't going to be the thing that kills me its going to be my heart condition I spent about five hours in the ER the other day from having bronchitis I hate constantly getting sick I've been dealing with this since I was a little kid it sucks can someone please just take me away from here and take me to a better place from the hell that I live in everyday. I just want to be Happy with the person I love I just cant ever find the one person who can handle everything I have to deal with on a daily basis god only knows where My life is going to lead when its my time to go But for fucks sake I am so goddamn tired of dealing with it all. My life is never going to be easy I am never going to get past the stigma of this bullshit and I will never find happiness in a world that ostracizes me for something that just happened to me where do I go from here i think living alone and single and isolating is whats going to happen I think that taking me out of the equation will make every ones life a whole lot easier but I will never be happy alone or otherwise He thinks that i should try to be with someone else I just don't see myself trying anymore I am just done with relationships its too hard to deal with all the stigma and issues and the rumors and hatred especially from my own family I have tried for far too long to appease everyone in my life and I cant handle it anymore life isn't worth living or fighting for when there is no one there that is going to stand beside you and be there for you through thick and thin and i am not talking about a best friend I am talking about a lover the great love of my life which is something I want more than anything but it seems just out of reach so far out of reach that it is like roping the moon and the stars to make a world bright and loving and I just don't have it in me any longer to continue with trying to be with anyone its just far too much for me although he wants to remain friends and he truly loves me I cant see myself putting through myself through any of this any longer its far too much for my broken heart to handle I love him he loves me just we cant seem to be together and well he is all I want and I am not what he wants friends isn't enough for me and I know I will never be satisfied being just a friend I am always just a friend My heart cant handle it any more ....

Well Still Unable to blog without My sister still stalking My Blog I still have to sit and wait till she litterally stops reading My posts nothing I say or do is worth anything because she invalidates anything I do or say I am sick and tired of all this backstabbing hatefullness I wish her tot just leave me the hell alone but she wont get it through head I have nothing left for her I am drained and I am sick and tired I went through a year of hell getting chemo and the like but I am lying and I not sick and have not had HIV and do not have HIV according to her I am Blogging for the attention I am also Not doing anything for my country or my people why because I have not and my family have not paid her expoectant ways Oh well such is Life stop reading my blog Im not Lying about anything and I am tired of you defaming My name stop reading My blog and trying to invalidate anything and everything I have to say I have gone to I dotn know how many schools and talked to I dont know how many students about the dangers of this virus and other health issues it can cause and or exacerbate but I am the one who is uneducated you talk a big talk but You dont walk the walk leave me alone this is the last time if you continue on this course of actionI will get a legal order to have your blogs removed from blogger anything with My name or my parents names leave us all alone since you hate us so damn much leave us in peace peace be unto you and your family because its no longer a part of ours