The Last few months and Drama

In the Last few months I have been going through a whole lot of health Issues.I have been seriously worried about whether or not I am going to make it to my next Birthday I am afraid of allot of things No I really dont want to Die but should that happen that shall happen. I guess life has its ups and downs every single day it just so happens that My life has more downs than Ups But I am dealing with each day as it comes. I have no choice but to push forward everyday. Yes its a scary road but I live each day one day at a time.
I Dont wish the Issues I have On anyone else in this world. Now it has been said I have AIDS more than once I do not have an AIDS diagnosis and Never have I have come close to being low enough to have one But I started medication and then my numbers came up it took ten years or better to go on medication I was so afraid of the medications that I feared I would Die NO I am not a denialist but I knew the full ramifications of medications at the time of my diagnosis I had been on a few of them before they were used as AIDS drugs for cancer treatments I never wanted to be on chemo therapy again yet here I am 20 years later and On something just as strong as Chemo therapy.this life was never going to be easy I know there is nothing in this world promising an easy life. Yet I wonder what life would be like if I had it a little easier but I doubt it will ever be any easier for what I go through shapes the man I am today and in the future the compassion I have learned from the very things that have shaped my life from day one.
 It often amazes me the different experiences I had from those of my siblings yes we all came from the same parents yes we all went through the same craziness and yet it remains that I am so strong where my siblings are different from the experiences. Yes we all suffered severe emotional abuses in our house we all suffered some very violent abuses from our parents and their friends and we all were hurt the thing of it is I forgave and my parents forgave themselves our family went through some very hard times and some very emotional pains and through it all we came out stronger. It although deeply saddens me that my one sibling is so emotionally stunted for all of it It saddens me that I constantly forgive and I constantly pray for those who do me so very wrong. It seems it makes me so week to forgive them all the time.I have to forgive for me not for them I do not have to allow them in my life but I also do not have to sit here and allow them to slander my name and what I do for others.
 I am always feeling now like I have to defend myself it is so frustrating that I have to defend My honor and my work. I've been educating for more than 15 years but I am in the wrong I will never stop educating I will never stop advocating the use of condoms and I will never stop advocating HIV awareness and HIV stigma.
 I will be here for a good long time advocating awareness.I just hope the stigma will end one day and one day soon I hope there will be an all out end to HIV and AIDS and a Full Cure.....
 So to end My babbling today I will close with protect yourself protect your partner  Love is Using a condom not treating your Partner like a Used Condom....Love light and Peace

MY HIV AND ME

It has been said more than once I have AIDS and am dying from it it has been said that I do not have HIV it has been said I Chased the Virus it has Been said IF I do Have HIV ive only been Pos for about two years it has finally been said I am only saying I am HIV positive because I want some kind of notoriety. Well all these stories have been published By a blood relative whome I am gracious enough not to name personally yet still finds the time to try to dispell all I am doing to help I am truly sorry for your attitude I pity you I am sorry for you but I dont have time to defend myself. I am HIV positive and have been since I was rather young I did Not chase the virus and I am living with the virus today and everyday of my life. I have come to a decision that I would co-exhist with my virus keep my self in symbiotic state with my virus and sometimes I even talk to my virus to tell my virus to cool down cause if I die So too does my virus. I am aware of my health I am aware of what I must do to live. I am not dying Of AIDS no matter what you would like to believe. I have to say if you are intent on trying to hurt me with words and get me to stop blogging and endorsing safer sex practices then you wont get any where. I am set on helping the community as much as I can and I can attest to the fact that I do not have unprotected sex. I will not be called a Liar My first diagnosis was August 5th 1998 I was re-diagnosed in order to get my Ryan White tranfered to Kansas In 2003 in those days yes just 9 years ago you had to get diagnosed over and over to prove you were positive and did not get a false diagnosis and get services fraudulently according to the system i think its mostly about trying to keep people from thier meds long enough to get them sick and keep them from services.
I dont cry positive for notoriety why would i do something like this who wants fame for being sick? that is just rediculous. SO now you know one of the few things holding my blogs back I have been writing them and then being to scared to publish them for this Family member SHE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED . Well she is a bit off and well she is scary at times she is utterly evil to the point of psychotic so we shall from here on out either call her she who must not be named or Lady famille de la mort  for she has killed our family through deciet and dissention.

so this is the reason I haven't posted in so long so I have been praying on whether to post this or not

So its been such a tiring experience I mean really its been truly exhausting this treatments over the last five months have taken so much out of me. Some days I truly wonder is it all worth it sometimes if its all worth it ..It often baffles me how much I go through for this .I am always so tired after these treatments.often times I just get this feeling of utter discouragement as I am so fatigued and then I see the news and what is going on in the world and I feel as though it is such a waste for me to be here shouldn't a good heart go to someone far more worthy ? I don't know life is just so confusing and I have so many conflicted feelings. I have not been blogging because Of a relative who has to continuously stalk me and say vicious and evil things about myself and the rest of my family and all she does is spread filth and lies so why the hell should i keep fighting ? I mean really when my own family is so fucking evil I know her kids are going to be like that kid who shot up that movie theatre in Colorado as fucked up as she is living in a motel these kids have never known anything other than homelessness but she is the stable and sane one in this family both of my sisters I live near own their own homes and I have a very stable living environment I pay my bills with out assistance but I am the fucked up one I don't live in the fantasy of a past she has dreamt up but I am the fucked up one it seems that all there is is jealousy and disloyalty and it tears at my spirit cause she is so blatantly hurtful and evil EVIL yes I have seen the face of EVIL and it is she.. She lacks Loyalty for her family and because she lacks said loyalty my other siblings would not do a damn thing for her and now because of her lies and such like TELLING  PEOPLE I STOLE FROM MY MOM I never took a dime from my moms account that lying bitch needs to get her facts straight I was putting money in my moms account every single paycheck upwards of 500 dollars a check what ever my mom needed I gave her.I took my mom to her dialysis every other day I was up with her at 5 am taking her to her appointments and then to her Chemo who do you think you are to lie like that when you were over a thousand miles away how dare you lie like that you say that you know My ex and I was abusive to him you were in Kansas when I was with him and in Vegas you weren't even around get your facts straight you lying little bitch this is the first time I am letting this out because I am tired of your unwanted viciousness there is so much more like how i robbed your bank account when we were kids and the fact we had a joint account and my checks were direct deposited into the acct and you stole my paycheck more then once and you opened credit accounts when you lived with me in my name and you ruined my credit you are the one who stole my dads credit card number and made illegal purchases against his banking account yet I am the Liar and what did my parents do and tell me to do not take legal action against you for being a thief cause your family. fuck that I should have prosecuted your ass to  the fucking ground you little lying bitch and for the record I have all my paper work from the CDC I have had HIV since before 1998 from date august 5 1998 was my diagnosis you keep telling people I am lying about this for fame you little ungrateful piece of trash I DON'T WANT TO BE FAMOUS FOR HAVING HIV  and if you knew anything you would know that I have HIV not AIDS you say your going to nursing school yet you don't even know the difference between the two, Lord knows your sick you have done nothing but tear this family apart from day one you are ungrateful for anything anyone has ever done for you and as for My aunt Liz who let you live with her rent free and you stole from her and Kenny those are Kenny's words not hers so you are going to call him a liar too . You made your bed I pray your kids get removed and get put into a better home then what you provide for them as they deserve so much better then you as a mother. My sisters take care of their kids and are loyal to their families and you I'm glad your so far away cause if I ever see you again I swear by all that is holy nothing will stop me from ripping your eyes from your head and cutting your tounge out for spreading such filth and hate about my sisters who were there for me while I lye dying in a bed how dare you you ingrate. your cursed because you are evil to others you will never rise above the shit hole and quagmire you live in because you are truly the lowest of the low you are just plain trash and I pity you and whats more I pity your children for having to be your children they are so unfortunate and oh yeah getting married will never make you better than my sisters one of whom has several kids with several different men and the other who has three babies daddy's but you know what their husbands are better men then you will ever have for yourself and my sisters are better than you will ever imagine you could possibly be. your hate is going to do nothing but lead you down a road of disaster.and yeah I'm dying from a birth defect in my heart not AIDS you idiot if you knew anything you would know that ..and this is why I don't blog anymore this is why I stay away this Is why I don't even want to do my treatments anymore cause of the evil in my own family who is she who must not be named why because at least I who tell the truth wont name her and put her on front street like that because i Know so many of the people who she manipulates read my blog and so does she and even though what I write is the truth I wont say her name out of grace because she knows who she is and what lies and deceit she has done and what evil havoc she has wrought onto herself and her children. how you manipulated a man who had had a vasectomy and made him believe Vincent was his son all the while you were cheating on him and then went back to your sons father who impregnated you again and left you again no one will ever help you why because they cant trust you no one in my whole family will so much as let you in their homes...but I am welcome in every ones home I am asked to visit people come from across the country to see me in my family because they love me and I have shown I am a good kind loving person and worthy yet you are nothing but a thief who has unsavory people looking for you I know they came to my house and I let them Know your in FIFE Washington yup you show know loyalty I show none in return when they came looking for you here at my door and at my uncles and cousins doors I told them to let them know your in Washington and to google you and yeah so when your kids get took by the state cause you have this crap going on you probably robbed the wrong person and they want their money back and they aren't using cops or hell it could be the kids dad trying to get his kids back who knows cause you never properly filed custody on them and you forgot their biological dad has legal rights so he could be after you too so yeah good luck with that......
So I debated on if I should post this and Have decided I will its important to clear the air and get these feelings out as I have been slandered more than once by total hate speech yes there is freedom of speech But to blatantly openly publicly print such filth that is called Liable its in print and I have full rights to take full legal action against you for printing in an open forum such filth and lies about me and MY FAMILY which you will never know.You have brought such feelings of angst and animosity into my heart when all any of us ever wanted especially MY MOTHER Not yours since you disowned her and slandered and defamed her character after her death you coward. you don't deserve to call MY PARENTS yours cause you are nothing you are not a member of this family any more you have nothing ever if you ever need anything I mean anything don't contact anyone in MY family EVER .. We will no longer ever help you and your phelpian ways. My the Good Lord Tankasila Love because you have blackened our hearts to you I pray My nephew and Niece will one day be better people then you ever could be Tankasila look after these two innocent children may they not suffer from the abuse of a paranoid schizophrenic mother with serious delusions who refuses to get help Now that said I just had to let it out to let go of it May she be at peace because she has finally hurt far to many of us for too long..

its been a while I know lifes been a bit crazy of late

So today was a great day it was Rosin's Birthday I went to Eva's Spot and dropped him off a cake I was so glad I was able to do that. I love doing for my family its such a precious gift to be able to give.Life isn't always about doing for yourself I know I cant do everything for everyone I just don't have the finances for all that but it feels so good to be able to do what I can. I cant wait till i can go back to work once I get a new heart I can go back to work i will be so much better off if i can just go to work. This 698.00 a month just doesn't pay all my bills and its just not enough I am so use to getting paid so much more and this is ridiculous. But one thing I can say is now I am doing a great job with what I have I have been able to help allot of people with what little I do have and that is an amazing feeling to be able to give back.
   Although I have been missing My birth mom Lately I have a great adopted mom who well is my biological aunt but she is now my mom in the Indian way so those of you who may get confused I have a living mom my birth mom did although pass away. I know its hard for many to understand My culture but its not hard for me I live on my path I love my traditional lifestyle and Yes I am who i am because of all of it .
  I must take a moment to apologize for not blogging in so long as many of you know I have an Internet stalker who happens to be my biological sister and who is a serious blight to me and My family she sits here and slanders us I know she will read this and then try to slam me on her blog she says things like I am not POS but turns around then says I have aids and doesn't even know the difference between the two. Then makes accusations against my entire family and well Its really hard to be a free speaker when you have a person with psychotic delusions tearing you down at every turn I am sorry she feels this way and has come to the point in her life that she is at but she made her mistakes and she turned her back on her family and used them up till every bridge was burned there is nothing that I can do to help her so I pray for her with that said I don't want anyone to be hurtful to her as she is living in a fallacy and a fantasy she can do no harm because she is a liar and cannot do any more to hurt me or the rest of my family she has at every turn gone to great lengths to do harm and she says she is going to school to be a nurse but one of the first things you learn is do no harm well she will not succeed as long as she is out to do harm so I pray for her she lives in a hotel motel or something like that she is homeless with her two children and her husband so I truly feel sorry for her me and my other family are all in our own homes and have it together even though I am ill she tries to diminish everything I do to help others and its just not working her jealousy over the fact that she has nothing and we have a whole lot more is what drives her hatred for us which is in fact hatred for herself because she has never been successful at anything she has tried her hand at because she cant get over her Idea of our families past. So that said I pray for my sister whom I do not mention her name because I am not like that I do not slander her I do not name her but when she reads this Of course she will know its she I am speaking of just know I pray for You i hope nothing but the best for you...  
     So now to let you know about my health I was in emergency on Friday for my heart the first time i had a real issue in months but i am OK no raised troponins my HIV is still undetectable and I still have yet to be given an AIDS diagnosis so all in all My health is doing OK I am rather sure of myself that I will make it through to my birthday in December and I am sure I will make it to my medicare date of April 1 once I get there i go on the list for a new heart so till then it is eat right keep my diabetes in check keep my kidneys and liver function good and then from there I am home free.I really cant wait till all this is behind me I am hoping for a functional cure to come soon for HIV there have been two patients who have so far to date been Cured of the virus I am praying for the day to come that it is a functional cure for all so one day that will come till then it is my obligation to teach ...