Somedays feel like forever

So I got upset with my family recently some of it was unwarranted but I had so much going on still do its not easy with all of every thing going on I really scared my family. Not because of my HIV but due to my other health issues yet through it all we were still a family now out doesn't feel so much like it my sisters are do damn over protective and shit  it just makes me feel extremely Emasculated and they don't understand it I am more than of age and this is my life yet they sit here and judge me or tell me to do things as they want them don't and when i lash out because its too much for me to bear its all yeah see what i mean so I am right your unstable and such I feel like the only reason my life has truly become unmanageable is because I have two sisters that act as though they are mothers to me and Ill be damned if that's the case My mom is my mom that's that my sisters are my sisters and need to stop trying to control my life. SO I finally spoke Via E-mail to one of them and she was telling me how what I said really hurt her well I ma sorry I never ever held her Choices against her never threw it in her face and I never told her she shouldn't try to find a relationship no matter her mental health yet these are things she did to me and when I pointed it out she said she would not own that she MADE me do anything but never once did she own the PRESSURE she put me under. her own choices affect me same as the other sister their choices and the pressure they put On me although out of love is sometimes very misguided and I can SNAP Under it I am after all only human yes I am writing about daily life things that just go on well this is my life my life living with HIV its all apart of one I can not separate the two I know there is discrimination I know there is stigma but this is my life. I have been on this earth for 34 years and more than half of that I have lived with this virus and so yes life goes on after HIV and all your other problems are still there your family Issues will be there your obnoxious siblings who think they know what is best for you.Your family will be there through the good and bad And yes I am still trying learning to communicate to my own about everything with out upsetting them you will find in allot of cases this is common families become ever protective especially if you come from a dysfunctional family Dichotomy where the older children took care of the younger children as in my very own family (hence why My sisters act like mothers too me) I do know the why the reason behind everything.
  Yeah I guess what I am saying is when your diagnosed sit with your family talk communicate tell them you are prepared for what comes next not be over worried or overburdened by the situations.just that when you speak to them use kind tones don't lash out cause you will be in my shoes where your not talking to your family and family is extremely important they will be your first lines of support .some days I feel like i lost mine sometimes I feel like i have nothing because i let my anger get the best of me cause I over react allot I am far from perfect I am only human I will only ever be human. So when I Lash out when I get angry at times remember I am just a person a normal feeling person I am just Human. Not super man not Jesus not some holy man but your average human being with human emotions and sometimes I do not know how to deal with them. SO thanks for today thanks for reading thanks for the time to see that life does go on all its mess and problems and know there are healthy solutions and we can all do well if we try. And for those who are Still HIV neg Stay that way Protect yourself protect your partner remember if you love someone you use a condom you don't treat them like a used condom.

trying to strengthen my self back up slow goes it everyday

So after My whole Ordeal I have found my voice is very week I am trying very hard to strengthen everything in my body once again. It has been a long tough road I am working so very hard at my healing process. I am strong and never knew how much strength I had in me and one day I will be much stronger.So many people are so glad I am still here I am so blessed to be allot of people will know me for my writing allot will know me for who I am allot will have seen me in town or all over the country I cant go anywhere with out knowing someone. That's the beauty of being me. i am grateful that I am who I am and that I have been where I have been even in the darkest places. I know I am loved by my family n friends.so now with all this pretty much past me I will get stronger i am a great candidate for a transplant according to all the doctors now its just a matter of getting on the right insurance.As for my HIV my viral load is undetectable My CD-4 levels are over 900 shit its amazing how well I am doing there I am just amazed my A1C which is my diabetes was like 5.9 which is High normal I mean really I am doing great just a little Pneumonia a little too much for my body at once but I am here I am strong I am alive and I am not going anywhere they said 6 months I say hell no I got my whole life yet.
 I don't know when I am going to be called home I am not scared to be called home not one bit but I am scared that what will happen when I leave here who will continue my personal work I am so very much needed I have grown so much I am just totally amazed my my spiritual growth at my growth as a person I am the Man I am today because I have learned to care more about others than myself. i suffer for those who cannot. I would rather suffer than have someone else suffer.but I believe I have the strength to suffer for those who cannot. I am who I am because of my suffering.I know compassion I know how to love completely with no need for reciprocation.
So I guess that is all for today I have said everything I really can say as I have updated you all on everything now its time for my message.Just for today remember who you are that it is your body keep it strong love your self protect your self all will be as it should be.Walk with me one day and you will know my whole story.

OK So I am at my milronone infusion. this a long hard tough Battle but I do it twice a week its longer than chemo not as long as dialyses but its worth the fight I am a strong warrior I fight to live I live to fight. I help so Many I need to continue to fight to help my journey along. I am loved by so many people I am strong I will continue to be who it is That I am.
  Life is not subjective nor introspective we must all take care of ourselves because in doing so we are taking care of others. we each have a purpose we are here for a reason I know I am no one was truly ready to let me go So I am here I am still fighting the good fight I will be for a long time.
  Life is too short to give up at such a young age so give up I will not I will fight till there is no breath left in me. My strength is not my own it is the strength of my people the blood that runs through these veins is the blood of my people they keep me they keep me strong the eagle keeps me the bear keeps me my mother and father they keep me we are strong and I will be here because of them my family is a strong bloodline, and I wish My mother could see my battle here today and watch me win it I will win it but my other moms are here to watch me beat all the odds I am blessed I am a gift and my Creator he keeps me. so this is going to be a really short post as I am about to get started and people are just blowing up my phone trying to figure out how I am dealing with all this and I am like I am dealing with it one day at a time sometimes that is all one can do...
     Just for today I will listen to the wind and hear my blessed grandfather tell me I am good I am loved I am going to be just fine he knows best. Mitakuye Oyasin