The Terms of my mortality

So many people do not understand death I have come to embrace the fact that I am going to die much sooner than most I know I will not live more than a few more years if I get that. I'll be lucky to reach age 50 and it doesn't scare me, I have come to terms with the fact that death is just another journey that we as spiritual humans have to take. Some people think that I am depressed or niahalistic but I am niether I have jus tcome to terms with the fact thet my death will come sooner than others. When death does come to take me I will meet death as an old friend not a foe I shall not fight him but embrace him lovingly as one does an old friend and we will walk on into the night and he will guide me on my journey to that next world. I dont fear it am I ready No honestly I dont think any of us are ever ready to take that journey but do i fear what is next No its just the next phase of my spiritual growth.
 It doesnt make me sad or angry that i will take that journey sooner than most I have had a good Life I have lived and done many things so many others never have the courage to do.So as I prepare every day for this amazing next step I live each of these days as though it is my last because one never knows what the next sunrise shall bring. Life is a series of many wonderous events for some they are very unfortnate ive had the oppoutunity to have both good and bad things happen to me I take the bad with the good and vise versa for everything I go through has made me the person Ive evolved into todaythis is something I will eternally be grateful for nothing will or can ever take that from me and I am forever grateful for everything that has and ever will happen in my very full life and yes my life is and has been full.

allot going on lately

So Life has taken a drastic turn Ive had many changes and its been like being on an huge roller coaster for the past few years. I still have my good days and I still have my bad days . I have days racked with pain and then there are days where I feel really good living with a chronic pain disorder and HIV along with the myriad of other things that I have going on is not easy I have stopped going to therapy only because I stopped having a stable living and day to day environment its hard enough to work on yourself when you have a stable environment but when you are literally couch hopping and feeling more worthless than ever therapy  is the last thing n ones mind I am not saying that it was the best decision I could have made but its why I made the decision. I know I still have allot to work on and get over in my life I am working on me everyday using the tools i learned in my therapy but still I have to just take every moment as it comes. Life isn't easy it never will be especially when you have a very dysfunctional family that you just cant let go of because no matter what you love them.
 I know its not going to be easy its not going to be an easy journey on my own when I move to Boston but I know Ill eventually be alright its going to be tough on my own but i know I will make it I always make it on my own I am a survivor I always have been. I have set a plan into motion to get me to Boston and into a good housing situation there. I haven't asked for help not for me anyway and I know I never will I will be ok on my own. I know in the past I've asked people to help my sister and her kids or other relatives I never ask for help for myself because I can do me on my own I can take care of myself. I don't turn peoples help down don't get me wrong when someone offers to help i will accept it but I don't ask because I know i am grown and can do it myself I am tired of people thinking I am a beggar and a mooch again another reason I don't ask for help from people. So I know I am totally rambling but theres allot I have to say and so much to catch people up on.
 As I get ready for this big 1400+ mile move from Kansas to Massachusetts I keep getting more exited and nervous something is just going to go wrong and I am going to be stuck here I don't want to be stuck in Kansas any longer there are so many better housing programs in ma and the medicaid program there is the best in the nation I mean I will have far better opportunities there than I have here in the mid west and maybe just maybe after I get a transplant I can go back to work and I will feel more productive. I know I have allot to share as a human being and I know that there is more to life than just the Internet I one day plan to tell people my story to help change lives to help change the face of HIV I want t to help end HIV and End the Stigma of it. and that all starts with education.
anyway I am gonna sign off for a while Ill post again soon.