Monday Morning and I am wicked tired

I went to sleep roughly at 1 am woke up roughly at 4 am my meds are really messing with my sleep cycles. The cocktail they have me on for my heart and depression supersedes the sleep aid they have me on and my HIV med. I am on such a multitude of medications for my depression anxiety pain heart and lungs as well as stomach and diabetes that sometimes my sleeping aid doesn't help. Now the Atripla should knock me out on its own but it doesn't so they put me on Ambien and 6 times out of ten that just doesn't work. I try to sleep I take all my pills as directed and I still have issues with my blood being to thick so I am going to look to see if predaxa is on the medicaid formulary cause then I wont need the constant blood work all the time. My insulin has kept my diabetes in check thank god. but there is so much more wrong with me. And the lack of sleep is really bothering me I rarely get a full nights rest and if i get more than 8 hours I am down for 2 to 3 days and then I am up for ever it sucks and I am constantly in pain from my pain disorders the methadone helps to a point but the muscle3 relaxers are barely doing their job either.
 I know living with this chronic illness is so frustrating that's why I wish it on no one.I often times find my self dreaming I wake up and I am HIV free but still have lingering issues I know I have the issues with my health for a reason to help me know compassion for others but do I really have to suffer like this all the damn time. No I don't raise My hands to heaven and curse the creator and I don't beg him to take it all back I suffer so others don't have too and maybe one day there will be a cure for everything I have and I will be completely free if not for me then for someone with similar issues one day I hope you come soon.
  I although wish I could find someone to share my life with and share my experiences with and someone to be with as a companion a lover a friend but as it stands with my health I am often discouraged that I will never find that especially being HIV pos. The biggest thing is I am so open about my HIV status like its the first thing I will make sure people know about me.I know it seems crazy but I feel I need to be 100% honest and upfront from the get go so they know what they might be getting themselves into you know it shouldn't bother people as much especially the fact that I take extra care so as not to infect my partner. its just often hard to find a willing person even a pos person to date but I know one day one day I will find love the real deal and not a compulsive chronic pathological liar like my last ex. Or a total reject which I have dated a few of those as well but I just want someone to love me and make love to me and be ok with it and love doing it I want the passion and the love and intimacy above all else I crave the intimacy of another human being who searches for me in the confines of our bed to share not just my bed or my home but to be my split apart the one that once we find eachother we just fit together.
 Its just so hard to do especially with everything I have and all that I do.I advocate HIV education the more you know and are aware the better prepared you are for it it has been said so many times that although HIV is no longer a death sentence it is a life sentence that's scary for people you know.I could possibly be somebodies life sentence that just doesn't sound too appealing to people you know. I would rather just be someones everything that which they long for and with my virus there is a wall that scares them all away.
Well  I guess I have babbled on long enough today at least I can say I am still here it is Monday October 24th and I am still here and I am still HIV pos till the day they find the cure I will remain here and I will help people cope and come to terms with their diagnosis as well as help others to stay HIV free I pray for an HIV free world its the prayer I pray every day thanks for taking the time to scope my blog I love you all and you could love your self too be safe play safe and be well till next time I am out

So Far I Am Still Here

 I know The title sounds a bit on the pessimistic side but I am not feeling well I have been having terrible sweats all day and its been a very chilly day. Living with chronic illness as well As my HIV is very Taxing at sometimes and I am always wondering to myself if I am still here for any reason any  reason at all then I get a phone call from someone writing a book and has asked me for some input so I guess I am still needed.Yet I find on days like this I tend to be a bit put off from the world in general especially when i am in so much Pain I am a total grouch but I can say today was still a gift a gift to see a new day a gift to be here in this world.
 I don't see myself Making my journey anytime in the near future I know I have a long way to go as long as I still have something to say and as long as my words reach at least one person I know I am getting the job done I am going to be here and doing this for a long while and I am proud of that.
 So just a bit of an update I have moved yet again its been rough but ultimately I am in a better place then I was and although I loved where I was there was just to much going on there for me to have to deal with on top of everything else. It is so hard to feel like I can just relax and everything will be aok cause it doesn't work like that not really life is never what you expect it to be and hardly ever fair I know i just have to play with the hand I was dealt and know in my heart that everything happens for a reason.
 I just wish these sweats and shakes would stop even for just one day if I could have a normal acting body that does what its suppose to do it would be great but well I gotta do what I gotta do with what I got. Its surprising to know who I can count on for things and the like Like Pre and Tabi and Deb all people who I can depend on in my darkest hours. Like I said life is utterly full of surprises.

I am Still Here and I am still positive

So I was Diagnosed 14 years ago with this virus I have never had a remission like you would with cancer I have never woke up thinking that I am cured I have never had the opportunity to be anything other Than HIV positive since My diagnosis.It is a curse I live with but its a blessing in disguise. What I have learned since my diagnosis is that life is very  precious and that we all have gifts to offer.
 It Has taken me time to come to the realization that I am worth more than just My virus or my looks or sex. For   a long time I had equated love with sex. Love is more much more than Sex, Love is life love is sharing your spirit with another love is all that and more.And I have so Much to offer more than just my experience with my virus and I have more to offer than just sex. I am worth something and I am a beautiful spirit and soul.
It has taken me time to realize this all these years living with the Virus I never thought I could find anyone or anything to share myself with. I live everyday as though it is my last because everyday could very well be its not just cause I am HIV positive it is because I am human I am mortal I have come to terms with my mortality because of my Virus. And that is a true blessing I know just how precious life is I have come to the realization that life is more than Just getting By to let life pass you by there is so much to do with the precious time we are given. I was given this virus to speak about it to educate on it to live and learn from it the lessons are good ones and I am Listening.
 I have learned that living is learning life is giving love is caring and we must all do what we must in order to be the best that we are in this world. Life is sometimes confusing sometimes crazy sometimes just plain great.. Living with HIV is difficult enough but stressing over random Life issues on top of that can be truly crazy.. Life is absolutely wonderful for the most part I believe I was blessed rather than cursed with this Virus I believe I was given this virus to help serve a much grater purpose than just to suffer. Many people believe that we are given things like HIV for suffering and to prove that Homosexuals are somehow wrong they fail to see that new infection rates are much higher in the straight communities not because we have straight Allys but because it is not just a Gay Virus it is a human Virus and we all have to work together to put an end to it.If we can not come together on a common ground and work to fight HIV together we will wind up in a tailspin falling and failing each other and the human race altogether.
 So yeah Here I am with all this randomness worried about so many things touching on hardly anything how Do I get through today one more day with HIV? I get through it by going through the motions that I go through everyday.
 Some days Are Harder than others that's for sure I know but I  get through each day with a prayer and I live each day for what it is I try to do whats right for me and I try to teach every day is a process of waking up and making due with the hand I was dealt. I can say life is never easy for any of us and its never easy for me but in the stead of sitting and complaining I am trying to make a difference and make this world a better place for having me in it. Life Is a gift each new day is a gift to me and I will be here to help for as long as I can I hope all my friends know they can come to me for advise. I am here for the newly diagnosed I am here for those who are still neg I hope people stay neg in order to do that then you must protect your self above all else this doesn't just go away you live with it for the rest of your life.