Alone forever alone

I have lived this life in a constant ebb and flow I've been a lover of men I've been a lover of women I've never found what I've been looking for. I have lived a solitary life of often sadness but I've never regretted being kind and loving to others until recently. I am terminal and people have taken advantage of this I know that to keep from being hurt by humanity I must keep myself hardened and be free of anything that could bind me to another human being. This is the hardest decision I've ever had too make and that is my curse I am going to be alone until the stars fall and my eternal winter has come this is something I've become complacent with life may be lonely but I won't be hurt again as tears fall from my eyes in my solitude I'll find comfort in knowing that I'll be home soon may people understand that the kindest thing is often the hardest thing.

Death the next great adventure

I've been terminal now for a while I've been wishing for death and the end of my suffering for several months I'm in constant consistent pain. Yet still I am here I cry in agonizing pain every night I silently suffer don't complain yet state the facts. People think that I am just depressed yet the reality is I'll never have a heart transplant because medicaid doesn't cover it the government fought me on my disability in order too make it short term payout if I don't.qualify for the medically nessiserry surgery then I will get disability for the rest.of my life and because even with the surgery I'd still be permanently disabled this is shorter term paying our for a few years verses twenty thirty or more. I'm ready really if the world is so selfish too continue to let people die then help them live I'd rather go home anyway there's nothing here for me I've got no one too love or be with I'm glad to let go and go back into the loving arms of the creator that breathed me into life by giving me a breath and putting me here to see and learn what I have. I am ready now so when he calls me to take that journey he knows I'm ready and unafraid. What awaits is nothing to be afraid of its a glorious awesome and amazingly beautiful place. So when I go don't think it's a bad thing everyday is a good day too die. Death is just a journey through the process of shedding this skin I will be released unto the next world which is more spectacular than anything I can explain.

Not wanting to go on

I've been sick so long life hadn't been easy and I'm still here suffering I consistently get shit in by family and friends nothing I do is ever enough no one takes seriously that I'm dying. I'm tired of the slow painful I decided the other night too attempt suicide I lived I don't want to be here any more it's so fucking hard and I know I'm dying already why can't it just be quick. I'm tired of being in pain I'm tired of hateful people who only think ABOUT themselves I feel like No one cared about me ever. it's time.to.finally just be.done

Heartache

So it's been a while since I've posted its been a long hard year and a half I'm a horrible blogger. I know life catches up with so many of us.well I was not suppose to live to see my 35th birthday after what happen with my what was supposed to be very minor non invasive heart surgery well it turned into a nightmare I had pneumonia very bad fluid everywhere in my heart lungs they were honestly surprised I was alive well they tossed a pacemaker in and both doctors and relatives prayed. this is where I must stop and say on thing my life is and never has been my own I'm a living breathing miracle so God does exist. Yes I have been through allot but my life belongs to the creator and his will is all that can ve done that said back to my story. So I went into a coma I say I slept for a while cause that's what it felt like I  did. I made it back I made it through two birthdays and I've struggled to make ends meet that's life though living with my health conditions are a life sentence I suffer allot but it's for a reason I think that reason is to tell my story my struggles to people so they know to take care of themselves because getting tested seeing your doctor taking care of your health is so important life would not,be the same without you in it may light guide your way and may you find love and peace in this world may this journey we are all on find us one day gathered together in friendship and love be well be safe and take care of yourselves and eachother blessings to all L.