Tuesday Morning Aug 16th 2011 and I am still positive

So I was Diagnosed 14 years ago with this virus to this day I have never had a remission like you would with cancer I have never woke up thinking that I am cured I have never had the opportunity to be anything other Than HIV positive since My diagnosis.It is a curse I live with but its a blessing in disguise. What I have learned since my diagnosis is that life is very  precious and that we all have gifts to offer.
 It Has taken me time to come to the realization that I am worth more than just My virus or my looks or sex. For   a long time I had equated love with sex. Love is more much more than Sex, Love is life love is sharing your spirit with another love is all that and more.And I have so Much to offer more than just my experience with my virus and I have more to offer than just sex. I am worth something and I am a beautiful spirit and soul.
It has taken me time to realize this all these years living with the Virus I never thought I could find anyone or anything to share myself with. I live everyday as though it is my last because everyday could very well be its not just cause I am HIV positive it is because I am human I am mortal I have come to terms with my mortality because of my Virus. And that is a true blessing I know just how precious life is I have come to the realization that life is more than Just getting By to let life pass you by there is so much to do with the precious time we are given. I was given this virus to speak about it to educate on it to live and learn from it the lessons are good ones and I am Listening.
 I have learned that living is learning life is giving love is caring and we must all do what we must in order to be the best that we are in this world. Life is sometimes confusing sometimes crazy sometimes just plain great..

New Days

http://www.facebook.com/groups/235947083116443
 So today I decided to Make  new Facebook group so that people can express themselves freely its a safe place where you dont have to be guarded and can feel free to be you you can use what ever language you like as long as you dont attack other members of the group.Living with HIV is difficult enough and if your gay or a human rights activist on top of the virus somehow being in your life whether it is you living with it or someone you know we get frustrated we get angry we get upset and we are all human and should be ok with speaking our minds yes we are educated most of us butt then again we can just str8 up lose it.
 And I feel its ok to lose it sometimes I feel that if you dont show your ass sometimes your just not human.we have to feel free and safe in order to be us.Someone says lies on you and your not suppose to get mad you know just how does that work I would really like to know. So I stomped and screamed and yelled and cussed. I am over it is done I can now move on.There its pretty simple. I am a loving guy and I get angry sometimes its who I am part of me I can be all rainbows and gumdrops but life isn't always rainbows and gumdrops life hurts life is angry life is all of the above thats what keeps us moving forward.
 Am I afraid of life HELL NO.Am i afraid of death HELL NO.. It is all a never ending circle our jobs is to do the very best we know how when we can and how we can we are going to make mistakes and when we go home then and only then will everything come to full fruition the creator will tell us what we did right and what we did wrong even in the best of intentions.
 I dont Hate anyone not even morons I hate their actions and all but I dont hate them.Life is too fukking precious to waste on hate..My time is precious and I need to vent sometimes and let it out and then move on its all I can do..

Keepin It Real

So I have been very angry lately about allot of things I know why because I feel a sense of moral outrage. Hmmm Apparently I am not suppose to be human and speak out of line I am not suppose to cuss when angry i am not suppose to do this or that I am suppose to be bland and mindless because i am suppose to be a damn robot emotionless cause it is the proper thing to do. News flash I am neither prim nor proper I have sex wait I get down and dirty and str8 up fuck sometimes oh my goodness am I not suppose to be human. We all do it we all cuss we all make mistakes while venting our hearts but oh wait its inappropriate..
 Sorry If I am not plastic enough for your tastes Maybe thats why I only have 20 or so followers on my blog because people are afraid to say they read someone who expresses themselves when I cry I cry when I scream and stomp I scream and stomp when I wail I wail and when I bleed I bleed. Plain simple to the point I am  Human Being far from perfect. but in my spirit at my very core in my imperfections that is what makes me perfect   I will stand by you when you need me I will catch you when you fall but very few have caught me when I fell with out something in the back of their minds like there was going to be something in it for them.
 I have never asked someone to pay me back even when I really needed them too but I am on hard times and I have people telling me "maybe you should stop poisoning myself with the AIDS meds and get off disability and get a fucking job" number one I was given disability due to several non HIV related issues and one of which was a severely messed up Back from a long term injury as well as my diabetes and heart disease that both stem from birth.I am 100% insurable outside of disability. and working is no longer an option for me.
Do you honestly think I dont like working I have loved almost every job I ever had aside from being a server for the Brief period of time.that all aside I do what Ic an to educate this is not therapy for me this is a place I write so others can learn from my experiences to protect themselves to see what life has in store for them if they dont take the necessary precautions.
 I am not here for recognition I am here so that people put there who are neg stay that way and those who are newly diagnosed well that they seek the proper treatment.There is no reason that you should not be seeking treatment president Obama just gave several million dollars to the federal adap budget and plans to raise the adap budget over the next two years.so there is no reason to not seek the proper treatment.
 Now that said I suggest everyone get proper HIV education and get tested regularly.You need to protect yourselves and remember its your body you need to take care of it it is your responsibility to take care of you if a person wont wear a condom the your answer to sex is no no ifs ands or butts no means no if they wont wear a condom or let you wear one then its time to bounce out..
that said I am done here for today just keeping it very real...

14 years ago

Yesterday was my 14 year anniversary of being diagnosed with HIV I am still here 14 years ago I had no concept of how I would make it through it all.I was 19 and Had heard nothing good to be said of the HIV cocktails at the time I was diagnosed in a time where people were still dying on a regular basis in fact RENT was still on Broadway I went and saw that show and hated it just fucking hated it due to the similarities in my own life I was struggling I was young I was Gay and I was Pos.I didn't want to go on AZT I swore I would never allow myself on HIV meds not as they were anyway. The meds that were currently on the Market at the time were all derivatives of Cancer drugs I knew what cancer drugs did to your body I had been there done that and I didn't want to go back to that . Especially not at 19 and to have to be on it for the rest of my life to literally poison myself like that I wasn't about to do this to myself I had my whole life ahead of me and I was alone in my battle I decided to talk to people inform them about protecting myself i went to the local gay and lesbian safe area for youth and I spoke to kids there about safe sex never have sex with out a condom its your life spiel look at me you would never yadda yadda yadda I did this for years at the Billy De-frank center as a volunteer.I never got paid for speaking i did it because I knew I had too.

I just didn't want anyone else to go through what I was going through an abusive relationship with the guy who had infected me and I stayed with that emotional physical and sexual abuser for 7 long years. I was angry all the time I was like why am I still here I shouldn't be here I should be dead I am not on meds not seeking treatment all I do is talk to kids about safe sex is there a plan for me is that the plan so I began my journey in education 14 years ago all because of that fateful day in doctor Stevens office where his partner in practice took me aside and said Larry we have got to talk. she had advised me of great HIV specialists I said no thank you I like my doctors that I have you guys can treat me here I am not going on meds they are no good anyway I was stubborn and bullheaded and angry and confused I was just 19 years old and had no Idea if i was going to have a future it was tough.People are often times seriously amazed at me and I wonder why because I am nothing out of the ordinary I am not extraordinary I am just your average guy trying to make a difference in the world the only way I know how too. I did Hide my status a while from my family only because I never wanted to worry them I had had friend with AIDS who had died when I was younger and I didn't want to worry my mom and dad that they would out live me a parent should never have to suffer that kind of grief. when I did come out to my family about being Pos they were accepting mom cried and said she was going to wind up burrying another child and i said no I would live not to worry about me my gramma said Now Sandi this is our lil Bum he is a Bender Comes from good strong stock he wont be going anywhere's any time soon.*note to the reader My moms name was Sandi My nickname as a child was Bum and my mother's Maiden name is Bender *

 So getting back to the point of all of this I decided I would do something with my life so I spoke about the affects of HIV on the people infected and the those who love them as well as the affects of the medications and how they can tear someone up real bad. Don't get me wrong I always told the newly diagnosed to seek treatment find a doctor in their area but I would not go on meds I refused it was a decision I had made for my self at the time after i had been HIV pos for some time fat forward to june of 09 I was in the Dr office my HIV specialist yeah I finally had gotten one. She had been talking to me for years about getting on meds and well she took me in the office and sat me down and said Larry I have some bad news your CD-4 levels have dropped down to under 300 we have to face the music now you have to go on HIV meds if you don't want an AIDS diagnosis that was that I could Handle being Pos but having an AIDS diagnosis I could not handle that no way no how and i said well what are the current meds

 14 years ago I couldnt tell you were I would be in a week or a month or six but today I can tell you I am here .

PLaying for Change Amunition beautiful song