A random heart felt rant it just needed to be said and set free

So I've Had a bit of a Journey I keep well lets just say going Back and forth with things in my head.life isn't easy I know this but it shouldn't  be so damn difficult all the time either.This weekend hasn't been the easiest either. Lost a friend this weekend isn't it funny how we say Lost like we misplaced an item.Wow life it is so fragile.we can just lose it like its nothing.I don't know what I am feeling right now.Alone because I am single useless cause I am disabled? I just Don't know anymore.I have had such a Hard life but its never been anything I cant get through you know what I mean?There Are people in this world who have no real issues and they think they suffer I really wish they could trade lives with me for just a day.One very much in Particular could use just one day in my life to set that person Straight.People Often Take for granted their Families and friends they never know what is right before their eyes.hell so many people Take Life itself for granted.everyday when I wake up I realize that Life is a gift every day is precious.It bothers me so much when all these people say oh I just want to die I want to kill myself you know you wouldn't say shit like that if you were stricken with half the shit I have Life is a damn gift get over your bull shit for fuck sake do you know how lucky you are.Ungrateful people.
Yeah I am complaining about people who are perfectly healthy and have damn near everything they could ever want yet throw everything away every day and self sabotage they're very own lives and blame everyone else for it instead of taking responsibility for their own actions.Yeah and then turning it on me and other people when I was the one who got back stabbed aah well call your self a friend and turn on me god I really don't miss the damn Drama of other peoples lives.Life is full of surprises and when you constantly look nothing but negativity then your life will be full of negativity .
When your feeling down and that the only way for you to feel better is to tear another down then go take a good long hard look at yourself and remember your not perfect wither forgiver yourself and move on find the good in your life to dwell on and don't hurt others your just hurting your self.
I have felt angry and sad and just plain out of sorts there are certain people who do nothing but tear me down behind My back people who tear me down publicly but from afar.People who tear everyone else down and blame everyone for their problems and take no responsibility for anything they ever did to make a mess of their own lives its everyone Else's fault.and the lies the sheer hate and venom that spews from their lips and hands but I am to blame for your problems when You lie about everything period and you put yourself in the situations your in.I have real problems real issues to deal with not some fake fantasy of things that never happened to me and such.but I live in a world with HIV and meds and hospitals but I do it all for attention cause I like the attention I get yeah OK are you fucking serious are you fucking serious omfg.What the fuck ever.OK now that's out I have vented now this could pertain to any number of people in my life so well If you think its about you in particular well don't flatter yourself you aren't the only backstabber out there but if you felt it was directed toward you then obviously your doing something to make you feel guilty so go pray on it and think about the people not just me whom you have hurt but all the people you have lied to and stabbed in the back then pray for forgiveness don't worry I forgave you a long time ago for your ignorance and arrogance but don't try to apologize I wont accept your apologies nor let you back into my life your insincere and care only for your self you cant change your ways any better than a leopard could change its spots.I'm forgiving not stupid.
Anyway I am not the one you have to look to there is a bigger person out there the creator most of you whom I am talking about call him god some Jehowa others like me call him the creator see I told you there were  allot of you out there Like I said I am forgiving not stupid I know who everyone is talking about me behind my back starting the rumors spreading the lies to tear me down and I pray for each of you every day and especially when I go to sweat lodge I pray for you to find that peace with in yourselves to go about your lives and leave me out of them .
I don't need added stress I have serious health issues to deal with My life is full enough with out your drama so I let it go this is although the time I will post about it.Because many people don't understand that adding stress into the life of an unhealthy person deteriorates they're health even further.well I am not letting your venom in I am releasing your poison back to you swallow your bitter pills yourself I want none of them.I am good with what I got.Plus My therapist believes that by releasing my problems and not allowing others stresses to enter into my life I am keeping my mental health on the right track and if my mental health is good the domino effect trickles down to my physical health I know it wont heal me 100 % but it keeps me out of the hospital by letting go.Anyway Today Is National HIV testing day go out with some friends get tested know your status.yeah I went all over the place in this blog there was allot on my mind but you know I had to let it out Maybe it wasn't the most coherent way to do it but remember that In the depths of my mind in my heart I am keeping true to what I set out to do educate on the Virus on my Virus and to help people see I live just like everyone else and HIV is very real so get tested today Know your status and remember the earlier the detection the better the faster you can start changing your bad old habits and living healthy and getting the proper medical treatment you need.and for those of you who are Neg use safer sex Practices it is your body protect it and for the newly diagnosed your life isn't over trust me its only just begun live live every day breathe in everything around you see life for just how beautiful it truly is Blessings from the creator be upon you megwetch and aho mitakuye oyasin

Read about the HIV Virus

Read about the HIV Virus

there have been several areas of study in the Hiv community and today being pride and this being the month of pride it is important to have the facts so we can continue to celebrate pride in the future for those living with HIV this is important there are several websites that have great information on staying healthy while living Hiv positive. One of the Hardest hit communities by the virus is the gay community and we cant celebrate pride if we have no one to be proud we cant walk with honor if there is no one left. So get tested know your status if your positive seek treatment and protect your partner.If your untested get tested knowing your status is very important the sooner you know if your pos the better to keep the virus in check.Also if your neg you need to be protecting yourself it is just as much your responsibility to protect your body as it is your partners and if your partner wont put a condom on you have the right to say no and get out of there it is your body and your life HIV may no longer be a death sentance but it damn sure is a life sentance the medications are very harsh like cancer drugs like a constant chemo therapy coctail you gotta live on the rest of your life no breaks no remissions just good days and bad days and on a good day you can get up go about your business and live a normal life on a bad day I promise its not pretty protect yourself know your status seek treatment live good long healthy lives and remember a healthy diet is always the best thing for you pos or not its your body your life cherish it and treat it well.....

My responce to this article in the wichita eagle http://www.kansas.com/2011/01/23/1686975/officials-conflicted-over-hiv.html

You Are Probably none of you going to like what I have to say But personally I don't care.My Name Is Larry Estrada I have Been HIV+ for 13 years or so as far as I can tell.I was first diagnosed in California then I moved to Ks I was infected By a partner who did Not disclose to me his status until quite sometime into our relationship in fact I found out the hard way.Because of him I have never not disclosed My status as you see I use my full name knowing full well the repercussions of my act I damn well know the stigma and I don't give a rats ass in my opinion and mine alone the sorry piece of crap should be in prison for non disclosure but he infected me this guy did not infect the women he had intercourse with but he should be serving sometime as for a registry hey jaggoff you go register in the stupidity registry because I am pos you want me to go like a felon to a registry what is wrong with you you want some kind of marshal state get out of this country and go where ever they kill people for being different you people are adding to the stigma it is my responsibility to tell you this right here right now you morons some of us were victims in fact I know several people with the virus who contracted it through rape how much more pain do you want these people to go through I have a thick skin I can handle your blatant hate and animosity in fact I really don't care what you say to me but for the people out there who are suffering to this day with an atrocious act committed against them then to have to survive with the virus how dare you persecute them like criminals you people in fact in my eyes are worse than rapists your sick just plain sick it is criminal to invade someones very private lives like that how dare you get on your high horse and act as if your perfect because you are HIV neg.I don't think that people should have to register like felons and neither should you but I do agree they should always before they get involved in a sexual relationship disclose their status.

I do not agree with Much of what anyone said and particularly not with the Laws the laws are distorted to be perfectly honest.I also believe that it is not only the person who is HIV pos to disclose and protect their sex partner but also the sexual partners responsibility to say no if they do not or refuse to use a condom its your body your life your decision you don't know what anyone else has period you need to cover it and protect your self use safer sex practices at all times HIV is not a death sentence anymore but it for damn sure is a life sentence it is not like cancer you get no breaks no remissions you are on tough medications your whole life so think about it would you disclose your status really would you would any of you high and mighty people disclose your status with people like you all hate filled and anti people with HIV discrimination living in you think about your average person with HIV and how scared they are everyday look into your own selves before you Judge yes it is criminal to knowingly give someone this virus.But what would you do how would you feel in that situation.and as far as far as the guys attorney well I cant say he was or wasn't worth his salt he was defending a guilty man by the letter of the law you cant win every case like that.And I have mixed feelings about this law.I will state number one how many people are out there right now not getting tested because of the stigma and hate toward the HIV+ community and now with this kind of law how many more wont get tested because well they didn't know so sorry and how many will die because they didn't get tested or treated.thanks people for making my job even harder in HIV/AIDS prevention education and testing that much harder you guys are fracking awesome to fill this world full of your hate we who are openly pos and trying to make a difference in this world really appreciate your candor and stupidity really we do.Doctors and educators alike really really appreciate your absolute apathy and down right hate toward your fellow man thank you very much very very much to you all for saying we as HIV pos people need to register into a felony data base for your protection.What a great Idea.I am truly grateful to live in a society who blatantly hate me not only for being gay but for being pos too.yeah you are all great thanks.the best I can do for any of you uneducated and apathetic people is say a prayer for you a prayer for understanding and compassion.So Grandfather Creator I Pray to you humbly for these people who have such a lack of education and want to blame everyone else for their problems and fail to take responsibility for their own health and who will act irresponsibly I pray that you give them the intelligence to well know better and learn compassion and maybe volunteer for the HIV outreach programs get to know people and really find out that some people are just bad and others are really good and that just because someone has HIV they aren't the enemy learn to respect everyone not just some.A'ho Mitakuys O'yasin.

update on my ssi determination

So Disability decided to Review the Judges decision.The review board says this is totally Random they do this in every so many cases.Well as a total act of randomness It feels as though I am being Targeted.I am not saying I am angry just really frustrated.I would much rather go to work and that is just not possible with my health.it doesn't stop that feeling of being Targeted though.I feel like how many times do I have to get sick and be on the verge of death before they will pay me and give me medical help.I am at my whit's end with all of this.Today I can barely move.Laying here in bed with the laptop and propped up on pillows its like What can I do?
Well now its a waiting Game waiting for the social security department to say yay or Nay.Life is not easy never has been and I never expected it to be.But this feeling of helplessness always being sick having no phone nothing to really help when I need it no vehicle always having to depend on others to get me to one doctors appointment to another or from one hospital to the next for my constant procedures and having no money or insurance to pay.Its really ridiculous.
I have had health issues my whole life and well it is just not that easy to deal with. Being HIV pos diabetic having all these pain disorders its not easy the meds omg they really mess with my memory they mess with my body my mind.I don't know if I have the strength for it all but somehow I manage everyday to wake up.I know I am grateful to have these days even if they are full of pain and illness.Yet the doubts of help ever arriving in time to be of any use is just getting to the point of well non existence.
enough of the venting and negativity.Now I will just let out a prayer Grandfather Creator please see it that everyone out there in my situation gets the help they need bless those with the virus give them strength to go on each and every day bless the little ones to be strong make it so there are no new infections and new diagnosis and no child born with the Virus.Give the scientist's the resources they need to find a cure make it possible for the cure and vaccine to be made make it possible that all people affected and infected live long healthy and productive lives. You know what is in my heart you know I come to you in a humble way I ask this not for myself but for the world I Know you listen and I am here asking for this.If my suffering helps in some small way I accept that and ask you heal those with less strength than me first, I know all will be well and I know I am in your care i give all this to you and ask unselfishly and humbly to be remembered when the time comes.A'ho mitakuye Oyasin

Happy Fathers Day Dad I hope You get this In heaven

In preparation of the coming Holiday I am rememberin' My dad he was an amazing guy.He was by the time I came up done with his youthful exploits although my other siblings remember his radical drinking and disease I never really saw that. What I saw was A loving father who had quit his old ways. he knew he had made mistakes and never hid them. He was my best friend and My Hero.I know he had come up bad and come from mistakes and he had many mistakes in his past But he was a great Dad to me. I am not saying he was the best father and that he was perfect because he by far perfect at times he could be emotionally abusive but that was better than the alternative.I know I was a troubled Kid and My Dad well I pushed him passed his wits end.both My parents Had a hand full with me and my sister's they did the best they could and for the most part we all turned out OK My brother still Harbors resentment to My dad and I can understand Why he wasn't my brother's Father and well he was very violent and abusive to him. But My older brother turned out as ok as he could coming up the way he did.My Dad to me was my life saving grace he helped me to grow I dint know the bad from him I mean My dad when he would get pissed at me he would raise his hands up to god and ask what did he do to deserve such a kid and well he also did the same thing in a different tone when I pleased Him he would say how Have been so good to deserve such a son.
 My dad was not perfect but in his imperfections he was at his core the best Man for the job of raising me.He was loving and Caring and stood by me my whole life. Till the day My father Died He was there for me.I was blessed with the best dad I could Have asked for ever.
I have brothers and sister's that are both loving and a thorn in my side but I love them all no matter what.And each of them Know I would die for any of them no matter what.and if they don't well they should.I cant do much for them anymore as my health has deteriorated so severely but I can say My Dad n Mom taught me to stick by them and I do that the best I know how.I do know I have to take Care of myself now first before I can help anyone else and they for the most Part Understand I have serious limitations.thanks dad for teaching me to Honor My family as best as I can I honor my family. That is all I can hope to do.I am imperfect I know this and my parents were imperfect But they taught me to do the best I can with what i have.And that Is what I do.My sister's know that and they are there for me as best they can Be we all have our own lives and I know its tough on all of us.I do what I can with what I have.
I can say that when I came home and said I was gay My dad was trying to set me up with a friend of his to ensure I would be taken care of.When I came home HIV pos My parents took me in and said we would get through it together. I can say I have no horror story from my family tossing me aside for being gay,Or pos they loved me with their whole hearts and regardless.I was accepted and loved no matter what. So thank you Dad Thank you for being my Dad And loving me unconditionally and teaching me unconditional love.teaching me to love and not hate anyone.Teaching me levels of forgiveness for those who lie and hurt me and do me wrong teaching me the true meaning of compassion and tolerance and teaching me to pray for those who would do me harm to make them feel better.I was blessed with a real Father rite here who always tole me he loved me till the Day he died in fact the very last words my Father told me on the day of his death Was son I love you don't forget it.And I never Did. I love you too Daddy and on this day and every day I honor your memory by loving you as well.

May Have to go to the Hospital today

Ok so this Last week I have been helping my family out a bit.I have over done it some unfortunatley I thought I was really doing ok but today my chest really hurt's I have over extended Myself.I dont want to be an alarmist but I know my body I think I will unfortuanatly have to go to the hospital I really dont want to as I hate the Hospital with a passion I always feel like I am going to go in and well not come out.
Its a really scary feeling that when you go into the hospital and well really you may not come out that is the reality of living with my kind of health not just the HIV but the heart disease and diabetes and all the rest of it.Its not easy to be me in any way shape or form.I try and I try to eat right live right be right in the way I walk but its really a tough road to traverse.
I have been so sick for so long and gone through so much that well people often times think its unreal surreal they are in complete denial of my situation. But what can I do? Really ? Nothing I know the truth I know what life is like to be me to be in and out of the hospital been doing this on my own for so long.I know life will never be easy for me I know that but is life ever for any person not living with chronic illness my problems are just different I go through life Knowing today may be my last but I think everyone should be this way because we never know how precious anything in this world truly is.I don't complain about it I live I live every day like it is my last I never tell someone good bye but I will see you later and I never leave with out saying I LOVE YOU to those I love because I always want the last words someone hears from me to be that I love them they need to know no matter what that I do love them I may not have the chance to say it again.
No I am not saying I am going to die I am saying you never know when I might for that matter when you might. Walk everyday with the knowledge that life is short days are numbered and life is a gift and precious you will find it illuminating and you will find it wonderful.It can free you from constraint and help you live each day better.I know that I may have to go to the hospital today If I do I will say a prayer that I will get better so I can write more for you my readers I love you all wish me well I will let you know what is going on later.
Blessings and light to you all

Activists encourage safe sex

Activists encourage safe sex Shana Is My inspiration .Were It Not for my sister and her pretty much putting the Idea's in my head to do this I wouldn't be Blogging.I have always been out about my status I have always done some form of educational work in my local community but Shana She takes it so much further with out what She does god this world would be lost thank you Shana My beautiful Sister.So as for me I will continue to Blog and speak when and where I can. Thank you my friends and family for being My guiding light my inspiration and my saviors.Be sure to clock that link up there to see Shana's Article written by Teddye Snell In the Talequa Daily Press