Suicide

Someone today asked me a question...How do u guys do it i mean live??????He meant how do you live with yourself Being HIV pos...He wanted to kill himself he had recently attempted Suicide.The thing is if you need someone to talk to there are people out there you can talk to before trying to take your fucking life
and how Do I live I live each day as it comes I know its blessing I know I am blessed  by the creator Life is a gift each new day is a gift yesterday is history tomorrow a mystery but today is a gift that is why it is called the present
you can not look at your past and allow your self to suffer you forgive those who have hurt you so you can move on with your life you can heal in your heart
You take each new day as a fresh breath you walk in the love of the creator you pick up the garbage in the street and put it in the waste receptacle you do one thing at a time you take one step at a time you just keep on going
every single day is something new and wondrous you get to breathe in a new day you get to see a new sunrise a different sunset you get to feel the rain on your face as it falls you get to experience all the wonders of life everything that the creator put here for you to enjoy and it is magnified because you have a greater appreciation for life as you now know your mortality
you accept it you move on you move forward you walk every new step and know that this is yet another gift you go on its all that you can do....
I mean I know its hard .. I know what its like to want to give up.. But I dont. Suicide is the most selfish thing a person can do. There Have been far too many deaths because of bullying and depression it affects all the people in your life like a domino effect. The death of one person can affect the lives of millions just as one person can affect the lives of millions.Just because you are HIV positive does not mean your life is over and just because there are many people who stigmatize HIV and are judgmental about the virus does not mean we must ourselves allow that hate to be spewed into our lives we can walk away or we can educate..Life is far to precious to give up for anyone.
 When you are down when you are lonely you just need to surround your self with beauty and light it does not matter where you are what country what city all you need to do is live well be a good person fill your world with love and light..some of the teachings of my people tell you to remember who you are where you come from and strengthen your self spiritually and I agree with this even if you are not an activist you are a warrior you are fighting an unseen foe you are stronger than you think you can continue to move on in your world..
 Life is so full of beauty and wonder you can do so much in this world you can see so much live each day to the fullest be exactly who you are meant to be. let nothing stand in your way be strong be good live well respect the earth respect yourself judge no one Else's actions be who you are and know in your heart that you are who you are meant to be....

Discouraging Days

it has Been Approxiamatly 88 days since I was apporved for my disability I have been living with a roomate I have a lease agreement about rent that I would owe her Back rent and everything cause she allowed me to live here and what not but the problem is the Social security Department has Failed to Pay me first they said my case waas under review then they released it then they said they needed this they needed that I have given them every single thing they have asked for I have jusmped throught hier hoops and yet nothing now I go there yesterday to the office and the lady is extremely ride pretty much called me an idiot well some days I cant even fucking walk and they say that i nbeed to come down they said everything has been processed and nothing no fucking check I am beyond livid this is years coming years and years I cant handle this BS they keep screwing up all the time and yet now they say your next check inst due till 8/1 well where is the first check hello i am so tired of being talked to like a fucking idiot I cant even get my meds with out cash i have a co-pay on my medicaid the lady said its not my problem yes it fucking is your problem I am making it your godamn mutherfucking problem dont you fucking get it  I will die without my medication I cant get my medication with out my co-pays and your telling me I am suppose to pull 200 dollarsd in co-pays out of my fucking ass what the fuck......
I am, under the impression that no one gives a fuck and now above all this that I have to worry about is my rent my meds let alone transportation I cant do jack shit and these people dont care and thne what I am just suppose to sit here with nothing
if I dont get that back pay I have to give my roomate my whole next months check to pay the back pay and then some on my rent then I dont have anything to pay for my meds or anything else so Im still fucked and they say its not thier problem not thier fucking problem what the fuck not thier goddamn problem like i am suppose to just sit here with out my fucking digoxin and my cardiazem and my lopressor and the rest of my heart meds you know that is all money money I dont have and if I dont get my meds what the fuck and to tell the evil fucking lady at the social security department that I need information its like I am a fucking stupid........I am seriously frustrated I can tget my meds cause the co-pays cost I am just beside myself I dont even want to be here like this anymore I am so fucking ready to be done

Some Days Are just Like Going through the motions

It has been a while since I have posted anything.So here I am with my mind on a million different things.I need to go to the Dr. I finally have insurance now that wont be a real issue.I have many concerns though as I am only getting so much money a month my income is very limited with my insurance I have co-pay's and every one knows how that can be.With all of my medications there will be some kind of co-pay.with the exception of my aids meds.I have been hearing and following the news about the budget cuts GA funding has been cut off completely in my state.Medicaid is sure to follow and possibly FS benefits. The department of social and rehabilitation services has been cut dramatically allot of people in social work have lost their jobs.Teachers have been cut Learning Programs have been cut so for the big guys in office it seems to cut the little people rather than take a pay cut themselves. How typical.they don't see the direct affects of the loss of these very important programs because well they were mostly born into money. And everyone is Bashing the President on all sides he gets no fucking slack what the fuck has he done ALLOT. But no one sees they see the fucking propaganda set by the republican party who is only out to keep money in their pockets this government is slamming the one person who is trying to make a real fucking difference and that is our damn President. first everyone was giving him bullshit and calling him a Muslim and so what if he was or a Jew doesn't this country have a freedom of religion act anyway. But that besides the point he is a christian and do I care no and I'M NOT CHRISTIAN.. Neither am I a Muslim or Jew but that's beside the point stop slandering the one person in charge of this country he is our commander in Chief and a damn good man too boot.He didn't cut ADAP he actually gave more funding to it in this budget crisis.He walked into office with allot of bullshit to follow the Last Thing President Bush signed into act was that stupid bail out and Obama had nothing to do with it the banks should have gone out of business that wasn't an Obama deal that was  Bushel of Bushit..Like my play on words i did..Any how so I get my disability and now there may be no money to pay me I paid in what the hell Man I am disabled I should get the money at least that which I paid in.But if we have social security why the fuck don't we have social medicine.. Oh we are not commies fucking commie this commie that really when every democratic nation in the UN has social medicine why the fuck is the United States of Fucking America the last one on board with the program.
 Hell of a rant rite it gets better.. So now with all this that I have to worry about just for myself Now I have to worry about my ex who claims I am trying to contact him left and right when for the love of Pete I have been avoiding the asshole like the fucking black plague.and he calls me out in a fucking Facebook message and cusses me in a cowardly fashion from someone Else's account fucking how much more psychological bullshit are you going to fucking put on me you asshole you stole over four thousand dollars in real property alone from me but you are the victim you fucking bastard...you throw me out of the house I got for us while I ma in the fucking hospital and use all my cellphone minutes while I am in said hospital so you can get the rest of my property from my sisters house and then have my bed to fuck you new boyfriend on while I am in said hospital, but I am the bad guy who caused all the damage... Really really. Well here is what I am going to say on that Creator forgive me for feeling anger toward this person who has done me so wrong Creator watch over this person and heal this person and make him see and take real responsibility for his actions and the wrongs he committed against me and others and as for myself creator take me and heal my heart of this anger and animosity and let me get through each day in a good way.And should I die tonight let me come home with no wounds in my spirit.should I wake in the morning let my heart be filed with renewed joy for all I can do is pray take all this away from me and give me peace and make my spirit clean..Aho...
 Now with that said and done I do feel a bit better you see I wish no harm on him I just want to be left alone by him and his family. I am tired of the Slander and bullshit from so many people I am tired of the anger and hate from people all around I am a good person I have allot of family which I love and respect and I have made I life here and I had to leave here to get away and where I went was in many ways allot worse than here no one deserves to go through all the bullshit I have been through but by cutting ties to the crap I can let go of the angst and hate if i let it go to my creator I know he will provide for me in all the ways that I need.
 I am grateful for my family and those of my readers who actually follow and comment on my blogs. I know sometimes I go off on tangents but this is what it is living with HIV just like you I struggle with the reality of daily life and other issues but on top of daily life I have this thing inside me trying to come to the surface and take over and eventually kill me that is why I need the ADAP and medical so i can have the treatment to keep me alive.
Many People no longer understand the severity of HIV and AIDS because there are so many medications that give us longer lives not healthier lives these drugs are harsh and we get no breaks from them its not like Cancer where you take the medication then go into remission it is the same strong medications day after day year after year taking its toll on my body and debilitating me further and further each and every day.And I go through this alone..I know I have friends and Family that love me but I am ultimately alone in my own private war against my Virus because it is me and my virus fighting to win not even coexist because I want to win this war....
 And this is a war that no one else can fight for me no one else can shoulder this burden because it is mine and mine alone to carry...this is why it is so important to be educated to practice safer sex methods to use condoms and to get tested every single day, and to seek treatment as soon as possible.... Get Tested Know Your Status Seek Treatment....have a blessed day and thanks for reading my rant...
                                                                  L.

Filming Today

So my cousin Delno put on FB he needed extras in his film today so I answered his call and I will be shooting today at noon.I am grateful to have so few worries now I can dedicate my life now to the things I love living life to the fullest you know just doing what I need to to feel good about myself you know.Acting and modeling and helping others in an setting even a Public speaking setting that has always been a goal in life to do something positive to make a difference and putting my voice out there my face to the virus acting and being out about my status will make a difference. I have no illusions of fame or grandure in fact I dont care if I have fame I just want to Make a difference in this world today for tomorrow so that I know that my life has meant something.
 So with that I will post this little post and I will pray that I have a great day and a good shoot it shouldnt be long just a couple of hours of them getting the shots and us getting done then back home to get the house ready for the fourth and just have a good fourth weekend.