Living HIV Poz and Hope

So living with HIV is not easy, people discriminate against you and so much more.One of the many things that disgusts me about living with HIV is that people seem to think that it is a gay disease, when it clearly is not.So many people label diseases with races and sexuality and base they're opinions on absolute fiction.Living with a chronic illness is not a punishment for being born who you are it is simply an act of fate.Unfortunately certain people seem to truly disagree with this,and many people see HIV as a death sentence , for the newly diagnosed I will say this, Do not give up on hope Life will be OK, Yeah things are going to be different for the rest of your life, but I promise that with patience peace of mind and a good support network Life will be OK, you can live a long healthy and happy life. For those of you afraid to be tested don't be afraid its better to be on top of your status and not let it sneak up on you. Be informed protect yourself and your partner. And for those of you who are neg get educated and educate others inform people that they must protect themselves and they're partners. And don't think that you know everything about this virus no one does this virus is deadly if left unchecked.You must always be informed keep up with the CDC and most recent information and remember HIV Hep-C and other viruses are out there if the city you live in has a needle exchange and you are an injection drug user get clean needles regularly and never share them. And almost every city has free clinics get tested get your free condoms Don't be shy if your going to have sex practice safer sex. Love yourself enough to protect yourself you are worth it and so much more. I wish I had someone to tell me these things when I was younger. You are love you are life You are beautiful no matter what anyone Say's you deserve to live a virus free life don't let anyone say hey I'm not Pos we don't need condoms or pressure you by saying we only need to use a condom if you got something, you are worth more than that trust me.use one every time. I know its hard but use em.
People often tell me that I am overly outspoken on this subject but i don't want anyone to go through what I went through. what I still go through every day for the last thirteen years, I have been blessed and led a very charmed life but was this virus worth it. Was the abuse worth it, I can tell you no it absolutely was not. Yes I will always have love for my ex's even the one who gave me my Virus but I let them go I had to if i didn't I would have gone mental Years ago.
Having said this I want to say that life is beautiful. Ans I am truly blessed I have touched the lives of several people and so many have touched mine. I have met some of the most remarkable people I will ever know On my journey in this world, and when it is time to make my journey home I know I will have left an empty Place in many hearts. and although  I don't see this time coming anytime soon it is a comfort to me to know I have been blessed and blessed the lives of other's by being apart of their lives and them enriching mine.Blessings come by way of may forms. Sometimes it is a good friend sometimes a wonderful lover sometimes an animal companion. But in all cases a blessing should never be turned away.Love is one of the most precious of all gifts.And also today IS the most precious gift. Remember yesterday is history tomorrow a mystery but today is a gift that's why it is called the Present.
I am love I am life I am a gift from the creator I am far from perfect yet at my core I was made perfectly so my spirit is perfect no character defects no flaws a beautiful spirit created in and of love and to love and be free and creative. Light surrounds me to the depths of my spirit and I will share this love this light my sage I will lay down my tobacco I will pray for all of you and that all be well in your worlds because you are loved and peace is in you. You are peace and light surrounds you and your creator made sure it would.May you never forget that and remember always.It took me many years and allot of reminding by good friends and family that this simple truth is a reality.It did not come over nite and I work on this every day it took me years to become angry and jaded and sad it took years to help me ot grow spiritually and to love myself. I write so that it doesn't take you the same amount of time take my words and grow form my experiences become the person you were meant to be. Love yourself protect yourself be happy being you.You are beautiful and loved you are in fact the very essence of LOVE.
I am never alone I walk in the light of the grandfather creator he is with me always and as i know he is with me so too should you know he is with you when you are too weak to stand he will give you strength,if you are weaker still he will be your legs and stand for you. Never fear Because I am never alone and neither are you alone.
And as for anyone with a chronic illness Take care of yourself please you have much yet to do as do all of us. A couple of years ago shortly after my mother passed on and made her journey home I became gravely ill I got serious pneumonia and was in a come for several days, Later I found out i died for five minutes I know I died because well when I was out my parents were there they asked me If I was ready to come home? If I was to come with them. They said I still did have work to do so I should make my decision they would not be angry either way but it was my decision to make they would wait patiently for me to come home to them if I so decided to stay there was no rush to make my journey I had time yet.I decided to stay and make my parents proud that day i started to change my life. I decided to face life on life's terms to face it head on and never sell myself short I know that i have a past but knew also that it is because of my past that I can reach others and in any way i Can i will reach out. I do not want people to heave to suffer the way that i did.
 So here I am telling my story a long and sordid Tale murder suicide darkness and lite birth and renewed  life so much has happened and i am still here when one door closes another one sure enough has always opened for me.
 For the LGBTI youth out there I know it is hard right now and sometime may seem like there is nothing out there for you but I assure you it does get better and everyday it is getting better with your strength and your love it will get better.There is work for everyone you are needed you are worth so much this world needs you in so very many ways.You will make a better future you will make a difference you matter no matter what the assholes in this world think you are valuable you are not a mistake Your perfect just the way you are. Be safe Love yourself and know that live is worth living. Look at me I am still here after going through the hell I have been through. You can make it especially if I did you can too.
 For the HIV/AIDS community we have lost Elizabeth a true spirit who fought for our cause and we have all lost many friends new and old to the virus we must rally together and say our prayers for those who have made their journey's home and for my sister Shana I say  a prayer for the loss of your dear friend Patty may she rest in the loving arms of the creator know you were blessed by knowing her she enriched the lives of many through education and the telling of her story I am only sad that I never had the chance to know her myself love light and peace to all of you may you all know your your worth and remember your value in this world.
for those we have lost you are gone but never forgotten creator take these spirits and lift them up to you may they fly free and be at peace in your loving kindness and may your light shine down on us all.
                          Love peace and blessings to you all

A companion for a lost Me

So I have been thinking allot on my life I have these two wonderful four leggeds in my life. I have been many places and been through much I was at a loss and an Impasse for so long. Now I have these two people who need me and I realize I need them as well. I was all ready to be completely alone but now I have these two beautiful and wonderful Companions.I am truly amazed and grateful for the gift from the creator.So I pray for my health and I know these guys will keep me healthy because they needs me. I know that love comes in so very many forms, and now it has been brought to me with these two.I no longer feel lost and confused so much.
I thought for so long that I needed a man in my life or something.But when every man turns into Mr Hyde once we are together its just too much for me to handle.So when these two come into my life I was like I cant handle this then well they kinda jus made me fall for em.I was a total wake up moment, and so I did I woke up and was like I needed that. Life throws you fast ball some times and it just hits you like a bat outta hell. And this time it hit me I just fell.I know they will keep me safe as long as I keep them safe.I have a feeling that the next guy I get with will have to go through them first lolz.Wawasum Is blind in one Eye it messes with his depth perception ie: he will attack a dog twenty times his size I can only Imagine what he would do to a person if they was all wrong for me.Animikee she is sweet till you piss her off no depth perception problems with her though but she will let you know she is there alright she let the big dogs know not to mess with her already.
I am really glad to have these two I know I didn't think I could handle it but well I have surprised myself.So I sit here thinking on my life listening to music and I am like wow I am getting somewhere now.I have started making plans again like real plans not just living day to day. Things are looking much brighter than they ever have in my whole life.And as I type this entry Make you feel my love by Adele starts to play and I realize that for my entire Adult life I have done this in every relationship I have been in, and all they were were warm body's next to me nothing more they tossed me aside like i was trash and I sit here and realize that these two Puppies have shown me that I am more deserving than that.If  I am to give so much I should get as much in return.My friends treat me better than the way my lovers have.and allot of them have treated me better than the family that I was born into.So from now on I will be setting my expectations higher than they once were even if it means I will be single longer.
There is no day but today so why waste it on a person who does not love you or think of you in the same way that you feel for them.So i will not look if love is to come he will find me.I will not want for a companion as I have two who love me more than life.So I have plenty of time and companionship.Life throw what you will my way because I know I am prepared for all of it.My therapy well is loving life and living in this world seeing everything and everyone for who they are the beautiful creations that they are.Life is so beautiful and so many of us lose sight of that when things start to look down but the ups are so much better than we give them credit for they get us through the sad and dark times.Take a long hard look one day you will see exactly what I see.So never be scared of loneliness it does not ever last.Life is full of beautiful things people friends and so much more.If your family lets you down there will be someone there who has your back.If you fall someone will be there to pick you up if you cant walk there will always be someone there to be your legs.Trust in that because of all people who know I am one.
I know I have had my share of falls and people helping me when i cant walk or see or stand on my own two feet.I am here to say that through it all I am here and alive and well and loved by many and I know that you are too so with that I will stop rambling and say goodnite and megwetch for reading love lite and peace. Aho.

companionship

Boozhoo all my friends family n followers today I was given a gift. A gift of companionship.Although I did not want the responsibility of an animal apparently I was in desperate need of companionship or so Leesa said. You see she brought home these two sad looking pups. Well they aren't really pups they are full grown but small lap dogs.and although i claim not to be an animal person they seem to have taken to me.especially the Male. You know they are quiet animals they raise no fuss they are sweet n good natured. So who am I to complain of the companion that comes to me.
   See today while Leesa was out she spied some guys with a gunny sack and they were placing rocks in it she saw the two sweet little dogs and got out of her car and asked Hey what do you think your doing.they immediately replied oh we r going to throw em in the river."oh the hell you say" replied Leesa and she took dem pups n brought em home.Now if you know Leesa she wont let anyone go without not two legged or four legged or winged . She truly has a heart of solid gold.so she brings these cute guys home n well we get em kenneled up n dey find der way out n follow me every wheres. I was like Leesa your doge keep following me they follow me to the front door and wait for me till i get back they follow me into the bathroom they wont let me be."Well hun you got your self a dog, You were tired of being alone weren't you?" was her reply I was like thanks " your welcome" replied Leesa matter of factly.So I am sitting here typing with these two sweet four legged brothers at my feet and everytime I so much as attempt to leave the room they are up and following me. So what to do I cant break their hearts now I guess I will keep at least one of them. Hell I should they adopted me right. I meen look at the legends of dogs they just come they are a gift you know so who the hell am I to look a gift in the face n say nah its all good ill stay alone here is one of the ojibwe legends of how dogs came to men:
                                                   The Ojibwe legend of How Dog Came To man retold

Two Ojibwa Indians in a canoe had been blown far from shore by a great wind. They had gone far and were hungry and lost. They had little strength left to paddle, so they drifted before the wind.



At last their canoe was blown onto a beach and they were glad, but not for long.



Looking for the tracks of animals, they saw some huge footprints which they knew must be those of a giant. They were afraid and hid in the bushes. As they crouched low, a big arrow thudded into the ground close beside them.



Then a huge giant came toward them. A caribou hung from his belt, but the man was so big that it looked like a rabbit. He told them that he did not hurt people and he like to be a friend to little people, who seemed to the giant to be so helpless.



He asked the two lost Indians to come home with him, and since they had no food and their weapons had been lost in the storm at sea, they were glad to go with him. An evil Windigo spirit came to the lodge of the giant and told the two men that the giant had other men hidden away in the forest because he like to eat them.



The Windigo pretended to be a friend, but he was the one who wanted the men because he was an eater of people. The Windigo became very angry when the giant would not give him the two men, and finally the giant became angry too. He took a big stick and turned over a big bowl with it.



A strange animal which the Indians had never seen before lay on the floor, looking up at them. It looked like a wolf to them, but the giant called the animal 'Dog.' The giant told him to kill the evil Windigo spirit. The beast sprang to its feet, shook himself, and started to grow, and grow, and grow. The more he shook himself, the more he grew and the fiercer he became. He sprang at the Windigo and killed him; then the dog grew smaller and smaller and crept under the bowl.



The giant saw that the Indians were much surprised and please with Dog and said that he would give it to them, though it was his pet. He told the men that he would command Dog to take them home. They had no idea how this could be done, though they had seen that the giant was a maker of magic, but they thanked the friendly giant for his great gift. The giant took the men and the dog to the seashore and gave the dog a command. At once it began to grow bigger and bigger, until it was nearly as big as a horse.



The giant put the two men onto the back of the dog and told them to hold on very tightly. As Dog ran into the sea, he grew still bigger and when the water was deep enough he started to swim strongly away from the shore.



After a very long time, the two Ojibwa began to see a part of the sea coast which they knew, and soon the dog headed for shore. As he neared the beach, he became smaller and smaller so that the Indians had to swim for the last part of their journey.



The dog left them close to their lodges and disappeared into the forest. When the men told their tribe of their adventure, the people though that the men were speaking falsely. "Show us even the little mystery animal, Dog, and we shall believe you," a chief said.



A few moons came and went and then, one morning while the tribe slept, the dog returned to the two men. It allowed them to pet it and took food from their hands. The tribe was very much surprised to see this new creature. It stayed with the tribe.



That, as the Ojibwe tell, was how the first dog came to the Earth.

So with that I will say he needs me n i need him we will be here for one another to heal each other now how do I pay for the things this friend n brother spirit needs I will find a way that is for sure. N my doc says that animal companionship is actually therapeutic so there you have it you know.Until I post again i will see You all soon Thank you for reading I am honored that you all do

A native story retold I love my heritage

Heron and the Hummingbird

A Native American Myth
(Hitchiti Tribe)
retold by
S. E. Schlosser

Heron and Hummingbird were very good friends, even though one was tall and gangly and awkward and one was small and sleek and fast. They both loved to eat fish. The Hummingbird preferred small fish like minnows and Heron liked the large ones.

One day, Hummingbird said to his friend: "I am not sure there are enough fish in the world for both of our kind to eat. Why don't we have a race to see which of us should own the fish?"

Heron thought that was a very good idea. They decided that they would race for four days. The finish line was an old dead tree next to a far-away river. Whichever of them sat on top of the tree first on the fourth day of the race would own all the fish in the world.

They started out the next morning. The Hummingbird zipped along, flying around and around the Heron, who was moving steadily forward, flapping his giant wings. Then Hummingbird would be distracted by the pretty flowers along the way. He would flit from one to the other, tasting the nectar. When Hummingbird noticed that Heron was ahead of him, he hurried to catch up with him, zooming ahead as fast as he could, and leaving Heron far behind. Heron just kept flying steadily forward, flapping his giant wings.

Hummingbird was tired from all his flitting. When it got dark, he decided to rest. He found a nice spot to perch and slept all night long. But Heron just kept flying steadily forward all night long, flapping his giant wings.

When Hummingbird woke in the morning, Heron was far ahead. Hummingbird had to fly as fast as he could to catch up. He zoomed past the big, awkward Heron and kept going until Heron had disappeared behind him. Then Hummingbird noticed some pretty flowers nearby. He zip-zipped over to them and tasted their nectar. He was enjoying the pretty scenery and didn't notice Heron flap-flapping passed him with his great wings.

Hummingbird finally remembered that he was racing with Heron, and flew as fast as he could to catch up with the big, awkward bird. Then he zipped along, flying around and around the Heron, who kept moving steadily forward, flapping his giant wings.

For two more days, the Hummingbird and the Heron raced toward the far-distant riverbank with the dead tree that was the finish line. Hummingbird had a marvelous time sipping nectar and flitting among the flowers and resting himself at night. Heron stoically kept up a steady flap-flap-flapping of his giant wings, propelling himself forward through the air all day and all night.

Hummingbird woke from his sleep the morning of the fourth day, refreshed and invigorated. He flew zip-zip toward the riverbank with its dead tree. When it came into view, he saw Heron perched at the top of the tree! Heron had won the race by flying straight and steady through the night while Hummingbird slept.

So from that day forward, the Heron has owned all the fish in the rivers and lakes, and the Hummingbird has sipped from the nectar of the many flowers which he enjoyed so much during the race.

havent posted in a few days

Well I finally quit smoking its been a rough couple days I will get through this though. I made a promise when my mom got sick that i would quit.So the day finally came that i said ive spent enough money on this sickness its time to free myself from it.So now I will only use tobbaco for ceromonial purposes like it was intended.I have tryed for years to quit.Even Prior to moms diagnosis.My whole family is very supporttive and so are my friends.I will be studying more on my ceremonies or taking time for them rather.I need a place to move too but that will come i have been praying on it.Things here just well they are too much for me i need to be nearer my doctors anyway and i need to have a support network.I love my friends here and they love me but I really need to be nearer people who understand my conditions and understand that there are good days and bad.I cant allways have good days and I have allot of bad days but i get by you know.plus living in the sticks is kinda hard on me especially when I am so far from my docs and sisters and nephews n neices.well thats really all i can say for now ill get back soon people thanks for readiing

Culture and Education In Our Native community

Many, many years ago when the world was new, there was a beautiful river. Fish in great numbers lived in this river, and its water was so pure and sweet that all the animals came there to drink. A giant moose heard about the river and he too came there to drink. But he was so big, and he drank so much, that soon the water began to sink lower and lower. The beavers were worried. The water around their lodges was disappearing. Soon their homes would be destroyed. The muskrats were worried, too. What would they do if the water vanished? How could they live? The fish were very worried. The other animals could live on land if the water dried up, but they couldn't.

All the animals tried to think of a way to drive the moose from the river, but he was so big that they were too afraid to try. Even the bear was afraid of him. At last the fly said he would try to drive the moose away. All the animals laughed and jeered. How could a tiny fly frighten a giant moose? The fly said nothing, but that day, as soon as the moose appeared, he went into action. He landed on the moose's foreleg and bit sharply. The moose stamped his foot harder, and each time he stamped, the ground sank and the water rushed in to fill it up. Then the fly jumped about all over the moose, biting and biting and biting until the moose was in a frenzy. He dashed madly about the banks of the river, shaking his head, stamping his feet, snorting and blowing, but he couldn't get rid of that pesky fly. At last the moose fled from the river, and didn't come back. The fly was very proud of his achievement, and boasted to the other animals, "Even the small can fight the strong if they use their brains to think.1

 Today as HIV and AIDS educators in the Native Community We all Have different Ways of working with the Public Or speaking with the elders.In our culture we have to work at things different.There is A great Program developed By Doctor Danette Macintosh of the Muskogee Creek. I have been blessed to take some of these courses to help the HIV and AIDS community.The Out reach programs are so few and far between.Here and Oklahoma there are new cases so many in the native community. I have Lived in Kansas for 10 years now And the seriousness of this Virus is still somewhat lost on people here.So many people forget about it or ignore it or are just plain ignorant of it.And those who do think about the virus are generally very uneducated about it.

 So Many Native Americans have varying traditions and the NNAAPC even States this In its opening.IE:There are many layers of diversity within any culture. When learning about Native cultures, it is important to acknowledge the differences between various tribes, nations, villages, and islands. These differences can occur among groups within a single geographical region or across various regions. Although it is impossible to learn the unique characteristics of each Native entity, it is possible to recognize and better understand a specific group’s customs, norms, beliefs, and values in order to gain a distinct cultural perspective.

 All Native cultures honor a traditional and sacred worldview, an understanding and respect for the circle of life. This worldview emphasizes the balance and connection of people, earth, air, water, and animals. It highlights respect, obligation, and responsibility. Native elders and ancestral wisdom are greatly valued as a part of this worldview. Most often these individuals hold the knowledge and resources that naturally promote community health. You can consult these respected community members in order to create more effective HIV/AIDS prevention materials. 

 These above statements are from the NNAAPC And i believe in the work done there I would not have taken the courses I took from them if i didn't believe in the work we all do.I am so honored to look at life in this way to be native and urban but to still put value in the traditions of my people.This is so important to us all. And education and prevention is a very big deal to me.

 Nutrition Is also integral to our health allot of people may disagree but I believe that the mind body and spirit are all connected and food feeds the body and spirit.And as a point of reference i will simply use NNAAPC module on this.

While there is no known nutritional means of curing or preventing HIV infection, appropriate nutrition can help to hinder the advance of infection. For example, several researchers have found that certain nutrients can help slow disease progression. Good nutrition for people with AIDS can help minimize loss of body mass and prevent vitamin and mineral deficiencies. Vitamins and minerals play an important part in maintaining proper function of the immune system.

Colonization dramatically changed the diet and nutrition of Native peoples. Native people were dislocated from their traditional lands and prohibited from hunting and gathering. Their traditional food system was replaced by the government commodity food program, which consisted of refined white flour, potatoes, sugar, and processed cheeses. Native people began to depend on high fat, high sugar, and heavily processed foods. These, in turn, contributed to high rates of diabetes, high blood pressure, heart diseases, and obesity.

As a response to the poor health and diet of many Native people today, communities have returned to traditional diets that include bison, a low fat and high-protein meat, salmon, roots, wild rice, and organic gardening. Many Native leaders and health professionals now realize that the health of Native people will continue to decline if they do not develop better nutrition. This is most important for slowing the progression of HIV to AIDS and for people with AIDS who must maintain a balanced diet for optimal health.

• Study the general state of nutrition in your community. What staples make up your community’s diet now? What staples did your community traditionally consume?

CASE IN POINT: The Agency for Toxic Substances and Disease Registry (ATSDR) conducts theAlaska Traditional Diet Project. The Project assists consumers of Alaskan traditional foods to make informed dietary decisions to prevent health problems. It incorporates both traditional and western scientific information.

 

  I also Believe that everything you put into your body really makes a difference people with diets of fast food and conventional foods are generally more prone to illness I don't know of any studies on this just My personal experiences with conventional verses Organic foods.I try to eat a diet of grain fed and free range meats as well as organic veggies and fruits.I really believe that my health has done so well because of the way I eat.

 There are many many ways to live healthy.But some of the simplest things I have learned Are 1Love yourself 2 Eat right 3listen to your doctor 4 keep your faith your traditions 5 be proud of who you are 6 accept what has come your way 7 never ever forget how strong you are.

  These are just a few of the amazing things that I have learned since i have been pos.And I am Glad to share them with all of you Natives and non natives alike we can all learn from one another.My uncle Always Says Mitakuye Oyasin  we are all related And I haven't forgotten that.So yeah don't forget life's little lessons we all have to learn them and I for one am grateful for the simplest of them.

  Never forget we are all here for a reason we all have a purpose.Everything happens for a reason.The good and the bad.Well I wanted to tell one more story but I cant remember it so I will try to remember it and if I am here tomorrow i will tell it then May all of you find this and have a good peaceful day.Aho.

 1.http://www.ilhawaii.net/~stony/loreindx.html

government issues

There are somethings that i just don't discuss generally because it upsets me such as gays in the military and politics on homosexuality in particular # 1 lets start with the policy called don't ask don't tell HM interesting you can be gay in the military if you are a closet case that is just plane crazy bullshit if you are gay and wish to fight in the military historically in the native American community you were honored for this you were a spiritual warrior and you tended to be more fierce a warrior for being one of these chosen warriors as well as being honored you were a leader in your community being gay was not a negative thing it meant that you were more in tune with the world the spirits and yourself and i will not not be put down for being gay if the military wants me then they had better make new policy because i will fight for the honor of my homeland but i will not be put down just because i am gay i would feel honored to fight for this country that i am born to but this country would not honor me in return just because i am gay which is total bullshit now onto #2 on my list policy on homosexuality in this country like umm the gay marriage issue you know traditionally this country really had no policy on marriage before colonization that is if you were with someone and you no longer wanted to be with them there was no divorce court you see you just put their things outside your lodging and they respected your decision and gay people were not looked at differently you could be with whomever you wanted to be with until the relationship had run its course so making policy on marriage in this country when you are Anglo (which the entire government is) is unfair to the first nations people IE(myself and my lover and my lover before that ) you know it should be first nations people making policy in that WHITE HOUSE of theirs because we are the people that have lineage that predates that WHITE HOUSE of theirs in a country that regulates our traditions and delegates our rights and constantly reneges on our treaties is completely fascist and we are the ones who suffer we have lost so much to the Anglo perspective and we sit back and do nothing so in my eyes policy on homosexuality is policy on the first nations people because we are the ones who should be making policy due to the fact that it is our country and was our country first before Anglo colonization we respected this land did not pollute this land could eat directly from the seas that border this land and could hunt and gather anything with out fear of tainted anything as well as fish the rivers and lakes that are now so polluted that when we eat from them we fear things like mercury poisoning and possible radiation these are Anglo problems we as first nations people and especially if we are of the two spirit world we have to stand up and say something or we will never be able to live life in the respect that we deserve.sorry for such a long rant people but it is something that i am absolutely adamant about.All of these are very serious issues.And the government funding on HIV and AIDS education and prevention measures are being blocked and locked medical help to the disabled is being locked out. People who really need the help are constantly denied and those people are suffering with out medical coverage.I dig down so deep and write to help others not fall into my position because I feel the government doesn't care about us the ones who suffer.They can make all these laws and bail out companies that have wasted others money and and they can help the very rich and very powerful but when it comes to us  the people who are here suffering and fighting sometimes for our very lives we are all left behind. And then when the supreme court finds in favor of people like Fred Phelps that its OK to protest at a private event like a funeral I mean really to allow jack asses like that to do as they please lord knows were it me i would be in jail. Like i said we the ones who are all on the front lines down to the soldiers that fight for this very country we are all left behind and no one does anything for any of us.But the rich and powerful get everything.

 And along these Lines I believe that Hate and Intolerance is a poison that we in this country suffer far too much of and from and the fact that the government does nothing but sit on its ass while our children are being bullied for being who they are and being of color is total crap.This sickens me so damn much.I was told that we are the adults we need to lead by example well what kind of example are we giving when we allow racist jackasses to rule this government. what kind of example are we setting for our children when we say its OK he is just a faggot he got what he deserved or she was a dyke she shouldn't be alive anyway.Or its OK that HIV exists it kills the faggots off. Do you have any idea how may times i have heard things like this. yet what does the government do nothing. HATE CRIMES omg they are still happening every day and all these laws that were passed for the safety of all are never enforced and in some states aren't even recognized what was the point oh put it on the books so we don't look small minded. Yeah OK like why is it a black guy or Mexican gets pulled over for speeding but a white guy just gets waved on through racial profiling and hate still abounds the whole of this country and god forbid you be queer and of color then your just totally screwed. What the hell is coming of this country. 

You know HIV is still a very serious issue in this country just look at the cdc results here ill give em to you .

CDC estimates that more than one million people are living with HIV in the United States. One in five (21%) of those people living with HIV is unaware of their infection. Despite increases in the total number of people living with HIV in the US in recent years, the annual number of new HIV infections has remained relatively stable. However, new infections continue at far too high a level, with an estimated 56,300 Americans becoming infected with HIV each year. More than 18,000 people with AIDS still die each year in the US. Gay, bisexual, and other men who have sex with men (MSM)† are strongly affected and represent the majority of persons who have died. Through 2007, more than 576,000 people with AIDS in the US have died since the epidemic began. HIV Incidence and Prevalence, US, 1977-2006 Hall HI, Song R, Rhodes P, et al. Estimation of HIV Incidence in the US. JAMA2008;300: 520–529. CDC. HIV prevalence estimates—US, 2006. MMWR 2008;57(39):1073-76. By Risk Group Gay, Bisexual, and Other Men Who Have Sex with Men (MSM): By risk group, gay, bisexual, and other MSM of all races remain the population most severely affected by HIV. MSM account for more than half (53%) of all new HIV infections in the U.S. each year, as well as nearly half (48%) of people living with HIV. While CDC estimates that MSM account for just 4% of the US male population aged 13 and older, the rate of new HIV diagnoses among MSM in the US is more than 44 times that of other men and more than 40 times that of women. White MSM account for the largest number of annual new HIV infections of any group in the US, followed closely by black MSM. MSM is the only risk group in the U.S. in which new HIV infections have been increasing since the early 1990s. Heterosexuals and Injection Drug Users: Heterosexuals and injection drug users also continue to be affected by HIV. Individuals infected through heterosexual contact account for 31% of annual new HIV infections and 28% of people living with HIV. As a group, women account for 27% of annual new HIV infections and 25% of those living with HIV. Injection drug users represent 12% of annual new HIV infections and 19% of those living with HIV. Estimates of New HIV Infections in the US, By Transmission Category, 2006 Hall HI, Song R, Rhodes P, et al. Estimation of HIV Incidence in the US. JAMA2008;300: 520–529. By Race/Ethnicity African Americans: Among racial/ethnic groups, African Americans face the most severe burden of HIV and AIDS in the nation. While blacks represent approximately 12% of the U.S. population, they account for almost half (46%) of people living with HIV in the US, as well as nearly half (45%) of new infections each year. HIV infections among blacks overall have been roughly stable since the early 1990s. At some point in their life, approximately one in 16 black men will be diagnosed with HIV, as will one in 30 black women. The rate of new HIV infections for black men is about six times as high as that of white men, nearly three times that of Hispanic/Latino men, and more than twice that of black women. The HIV incidence rate for black women is nearly 15 times as high as that of white women, and nearly four times that of Hispanic/Latino women. Hispanics/Latinos: Hispanics/Latinos are also disproportionately impacted. Hispanics/Latinos represent 15% of the population but account for an estimated 17% of people living with HIV and 17% of new infections. HIV infections among Hispanics/Latinos overall have been roughly stable since the early 1990s. The rate of new HIV infections among Hispanic/Latino men is more than double that of white men and the rate among Hispanic/Latino women is nearly four times that of white women. Estimates Rates of New HIV Infections, By Race/Ethnicity, 2006 Hall HI, Song R, Rhodes P, et al. Estimation of HIV Incidence in the US. JAMA2008;300: 520–529. * This fact sheet highlights key information about those most impacted by HIV and AIDS in the US. For information about other risk populations, visit www.cdc.gov/hiv. † The term “men who have sex with men” (MSM) is used in CDC surveillance systems. It indicates the behaviors that transmit HIV infection, rather than how individuals self-identify in terms of their sexuality.

Last Modified: July 20, 2010 Last Reviewed: July 20, 2010 Content Source: Divisions of HIV/AIDS Prevention National Center for HIV/AIDS, Viral Hepatitis, STD, and TB Prevention if you think this isn't serious it very much is and what is the government doing about it? I am so concerned about all this and so much more yeah some times I feel like we are beating our heads against a wall is anyone listening please tell me is any one else concerned about any of this. I know this has gone on far too long in this country we need to do more than we are people need to stand up. we need to step out of the box for our future or we wont have one we need to do more than what has been done in the past .Thank you all for letting me share and vent and write you're eyes off I hope you all get what i am saying because this is important to all people not just gay or Hispanic or black or white or native but this concerns  all people.  So many Americans think we aren't affected but we all are. And Yeah i don't discuss this often but none of really discuss any of these issues I am asking myself why they are important aren't they.Shouldn't we start talking more and more about these issues.shouldn't we be doing more about these issues.On a personal note I know i will be doing more for myself my people my country and for any one who needs the help or an ear or a shoulder i wish there were more I could do, Don't You?

Reflecting on my past the good and bad From yesterday I have reached today

So I am starting this one right after my last post I am going to start getting really into my past.I have loved allot in my life.Friends Family and I have had my share of lovers.I have suffered through addiction and co dependency.I have also suffered Loss.I have suffered the loss of friends and dear friends some i loved dearly.A few years ago I lost a dear friend he shot himself in the head I was so lost i did not know why my friend killed himself he was so full of life so talented so fun loving he was a great friend.He did not have the support i did i found out later his family thought they could send him to this place and it would make him no longer GAY.I thought to myself I am very lucky. later that same year My lover of four years left me that was a loss that was so hard for me to bear to be tossed aside like i was yesterdays refuse.Ive been knocked on my ass a few times in my life I've lost love and life the life of another friend was cut short on September 5th 2006 He was murdered it is a day that will remain in my mind till the day that i die See I found his bloody body.through all this I have come to terms with my chronic illness HIV Diabetes Lupus ms fibromyalgia mitralfibrosys and several other issues too long to list.On the outside i look quite healthy thanks to the steroids and healthy diet and all the pills i take.but appearances are just that appearances.everything is deceiving on the outside i look healthy on the inside I'm all messed up but I am blessed with people who love and support me and people who are here for me when i struggle I could not ask for more.I know I am Ill but I am not my Illness I've said before i live with it but it is not me it does not define me I am fighting it and i will beat it If any one in the world can beat what Ive got it will be me.I have never passed the virus to anyone else,I have had several relation ship with neg guys and they are all very much still neg.I have tried my best.i Will never give this to anyone that is my vow.I'm going to stop for now and save this till a later date but I will continue my story I promise.Ok so today I want to talk about how although i have suffered i have survived.I remember my first lover and how that relationship was not at all healthy.I want people to know that even though i struggled for almost six years I grew from this experience.I know now that when i was there i was in a very very dark place and I was able to get out I don't want people to feel like i did back then if you are hurting because of some one you are with you need to get out of that.i have been through such a time in my life i know we all have we all can get through it if i can so can everyone.I have survived for 14 years with this virus i am here and so can everyone who is in my situation we can persevere and love again and for those who are young please be safe it is your life that you put in the hands of another.you are worth so much look at how far that i have come you can be so much more.we constantly grow into the most wonderful beings in all of creation.My sister tells me all the time i am an amazing person i thank god for her everyday.Yeah i have been through some rough spots nothing notable to me n all but you know others see what you go through and they can be amazed when we are hey that's just life others are like wow how do you do it.for each of us life has its trials and for each of us we find coping mechanisms.and i have had good people to lean on and just plain be there for me and boy do i know how blessed i am.I have lost both my parents both sets of grand parent cousins and friends life has not always been easy but i have grown from each experience.And i know that there are places Ive been that have been very dark but i found the light again and i know all of us can do it.
Life has always been a little harder for me i guess but I know i am where i am suppose to be.I have had friends who have been through similar situations and have become very embittered I am glad i have grown into the person i am today. I often try to help others that aren't ready for change so I guess that's why i am here people can take it or leave it they can do as i have done and move on and forgive those who have done wrong unto them or they can suffer. we all do what we feel we need to to get on in our lives and well we grow at our own pace spiritually physically it all a matter of time.And yes time does heal all wounds even those very painful wounds.something that I learned with the passing of many people in my life.
 Let's do some back tracking now.I met the ex who gave me HIV in 1996. I contracted the virus and was diagnosed a couple of years after we had been together.I thought originally why me there were words exchanged.i stayed with him.He told me things like your not that cute and no one is going to want to be with you now your infected.I believed him you see i never thought very highly of myself.After 911 I thought to myself i need a change i called my parents and worked out a plan.They were supportive. So after another year of procrastination I packed up my car and made the 1669 mile drive from San Jose California to Wichita Kansas. Three and a half days on the open road and All could think was I'm Free I am finally free.But i wasn't quite yet free.my ex called me up and tried to work things out we tryed the long distance thing and it worked for a while because we didn't see each other everyday but things eventually went back to him being emotionally abusive.So i just stopped taking his calls and moved on.I met a great guy after that.but we were incompatible I think  A large part of it was my former abuse and I just could never be for him what he needed and i could never be you know what I mean I just wasn't at the point in my life where I could be stable for this wonderful man.The first year was so hard I lost my father and two friends and I just slipped into a depression.He couldn't help me but he tried Like i said he was a truly wonderful man and I am truly grateful to him for all he tried to do And i am so sorry that i wasn't a good person at that point.I was so very messed up in my head but i know I loved him very much and he would not have suffered through ME for 4and 1/2 years if he didn't love me.I stayed single for four years I needed me time and you know what 4 years wasn't enough I got with my last ex last Feb and well that didn't work out i wanted so much for it too but he was no where near ready for real commitment.and He did not love me the way I wanted or needed and my health was way too much for him to handle I know it will be a very special Man who will be able to be with me but it will come one day i know it. So i have sworn off relationships and men for a while I need my special reflection time I have had so many new diagnosis and so much to deal with internally that this is just got to be about me I have to work on Larry. I realize that if I am going to be the Man That I want to be for the Man that will eventually love me I must do some very hard work and I must find out who i am where my mind is and how to be that Man that I was always intended to be.
  Though it is lonely i know it wont always be, this is a road less travelled but i must travel it,not just for myself but for the people who love me and who will love me through it all.I have found a great support network people whom talk to me almost everyday and care genuinely care for who i am now who i am becoming and who I was truly meant to be.These people support me in ways so unexpectedly and they don't even know all that it is they do for me just being there for me.And I know that without them I would not be at this wondrous point of my life.yeah I still suffer from depression but no where near as bad as I use too but i have come to terms with allot in these last few months of introspect and reflection. If i can teach some one just one lesson it is take the time for yourself to find you find out just who it is you are inside because until you do you can never share yourself with another whole heartedly and I know what everyone wants is not just lust but love you cant have that until you love yourself and to love your self you have to know yourself.Don't rush it let it come to you gradually find yourself because it does get better I promise you it does you don't have to go through what i have gone through you can take a less traveled path and find yourself first know who you are what you are looking for you can find Love the love that we all seek the love of our creator/God the love of self and above all the love of others.and once you know just who you are it will be so easy and beautiful.take a damn good long hard look at yourself and say I love you and i can be better than i was once.you will find solace and peace and you will eventually find you the beautiful person that you are look at me I'm not even halfway there but I am still working and i know i will be better if I can do this so can each of you.

Short post working on something bigger for tomorrow

Ok just a short post for today.Life sends us into many peoples lives and many people into our lives for a reason I know this and everyone i know knows this its a simple truth.I have been working an a pretty long blog and its very personal.I think that it will be done soon rite now its rough and very raw and emotional.I know it will be allot for some people but I decided to this for people who need to learn from my experiences.So I need to talk more about my past and my self not just today and where i am at now because in order for even myself to know how i got here i need to remember my own past .and well I think that the words i write are some how beneficial I have had so very many people come and tell me how it has helped them.So for now its short and sweet because i got to get my biscuits made for dinner and get the kitchen and everything ready well till i see you later or rather till you read me later I will be back.

Reflections of my ideal love this is what i want for me one day

So there was some serious relationship Drama in this house Last night.All I can say is this is why I'm not in one because this is what i want.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIN0wnElh9Q If you follow that link you will see what I am looking for.I really believe in this type of love i believe that two people can be truly satisfied and content and complete with just on other person Yeah it takes work especially in a Pos neg pos pos situation as those are my only two options.In any world gay or straight Love does not come easy it is not all sunshine and roses it take work before you get the roses you must till the soil and get dirty your self love is remarkable you know.It is immeasurable it is unbounding it is wonderful and yes i want to be apart of that happy world one day but right now I am working on me taking care of what i need to internally and learning how to be a better person a better man.I want to be all that can be so that when that day comes when i find that one special person who takes me as i am and loves me and trusts in me well I want to be a better man for him so that i don't repeat the mistakes of my past relationships and I don't want to see my failures in life unfold all over again.I do not know how to tell a friend you know I just cant say what you do is right but i am not you and you gotta do what it takes to make it work between you two. I love my Friends and don't judge them I want them to find the happiness that i seek for myself because everyone deserves that in life you know what i am saying.I know many people think that i am out of my mind for taking care of me but i love who i am who i have become the man I am today.I like to think that everything that has happend in my life has led me here every person i know has helped me to grow in some way.I don't want ot distance myself from my friends i want to show them how good life is for everyone and that they should take in each and everyone of they're blessings.and yeah I am human I have done my share of very stupid things like revenge sex and other things.I have done things that have hurt myself more than anyone else ever could.I know that I have been down a road that others should not dare to follow i have walked the streets and been homeless and sold myself for a meal and a hot bed to sleep in i have done all these things I have made my mistakes in my life and i have grown from these things these are things that i have never told many people not even my parents.But i am a survivor i am a better man today because of the suffering i have incurred in my life.I have suffered to tell my story to others so they don't make the same mistakes i have.I am proud of who i am I may not be proud of some of the things i have done in my life but i own them i did them yeah but I am not my mistakes as i am not my disease i am simply Me.I know that some of the things i say come across as strong especially when i feel i am right.But moral or not we are all meant to be with someone but not before we are ready and not before we have fully explored ourselves we must know who we are what we are and how we are before we can start making serious decisions in life like will i spend the rest of my life with this person or is he/she just a passing fling.We must know our hearts and our selves we must be comfortable with who we have evolved into before we can say yeah I'm ready for this.Life can pitch us some curve balls so keep you eye on the prize and remember love is about quality not quantity.I have had my share of beautiful men and i have had any man I could want but none of them were worth me.because beauty and sex and lust are not what i am interested in I only want one thing LOVE real LOVE the kind that spans the ages and people write stories about for years and generations to come.Like I said Quality not quantity.The man i marry must be one hell of a guy and people will say he has class he has style he is humble and he is kind he must be born this way.The Man I marry will shine i will look at him when we are lying out looking at the stars and i will know he is the brightest shining star in the whole of creation and i will look at the beauty all around i will see him and know there is nothing more beautiful than him.his heart will be so big he would love me and my crazy ass family in all its glory our love will be looked at by my family and they will say yeah i want love like that.Not 18 year old love not grandma and grandpa love not mom and dad love but love that the fires burn in our hearts through out eternity the love that will surpass life and death that will keep us on in the after life and if we are born again in another life the love we shared in this life will move forward and draw us to one another in the next life.I believe that love truly exist like this i saw how my grandparent loved and my parents and even my brother and his wife my two aunts how they loved each other I want a drama free complication free love i know there will be work to do and I've got allot to do before i am ready to achieve this goal but that day will come i know it.and when it comes I will be ready I will learn from the mistakes of others i will bide my time work on me and be a great man when the day comes that i find the man that will make a home in my heart and a home for me in his.

Life's Conversations With Those I Love

Ok People I had a couple of really great conversations today.You know how your reminded everyday that things could be worse.Today is one of those days.Allot of my friends forgot that they are very very blessed and today i reminded a couple how blessed they are it really felt good pat myself on the back yeah yeah.But aside from that the genuine love they felt for me made me feel so good they don't realize how much they bless me by being in my life. to remind me to be grateful for everything I have.Never take anything or anyone for granted.Like my grandmother use to say be careful  how you talk to people you never know when you may be entertaining an angel boy! All the while today i was listening to great music it just made me feel so complete.Good music helps me to reflect on my life and my past helps me in my grieving and growing process you know we are all ways grieving over something you know what i mean .life is ever changing ever flowing we are ever constant ever growing evolving into these beings of love and light.You may think oh this guy is nuts to think like this I am HIV pos and I got all these health issues but I am truly at peace with my life i love me and those around me.Yeah life gets hard every day is a challenge but hell what would life be without that you know."some days are hard but it could always be worse you know I have a great life i am grateful for my life and I love who i am and who i have become even when i am physically weak I am stronger than i could have ever thought and i am grateful for that strength Ive been blessed with life could be easier but then what would be the fun in that where would i learn from what changes could i make in my life if it were all sunshine and roses you know you still need the rain to grow ti's all part of a never ending circle of life and love so if that means i am profound then I guess i am but its what I've. learned how to express myself without abandon and to not abandon who i am in the process of exploring who I will become in the future it is life a great big adventure you know what I am sayin?" I said this to a friend earlier in the day.To have the chance everyday to explore who i am who i am becoming every day how i am growing and changing.this is a beautiful process it is rich and full of wonder.You never know how good life can be when your only looking at the negative stressing the bad.I am in love with life today and everyday I am in love with who i have become i am constantly changing and growing in new beautifully profound new ways.The constant is the change and that is the course that life takes.my friends say i sound oh so profound.How because i have been reflecting on me growing becoming a better man.Well then so be it.I Love life i love me i love my friends and family and life is beautiful and I will not allow myself to forget that.And yeah some conversations with friends become repetitive and i feel like i am beating my head against a wall but eventually they hear what I've been saying out of the mouths of others and they understand it it can take distance sometimes to let change in but change is going to come either way,and i welcome it each and everyday.
  Some days I feel like life is so hard but I remember the days when I was homeless and on my own with nothing and no one to help me and I see just how blessed i am I am not eating out of a garbage dumpster or sleeping on the light rail.Trying to stay warm in the cold northern climate of northern cali granted there wasn't snow or nothing but it was still cold . Life is full of blessings I have been at the bottom and the only way to go from there is up and I like that concept.Life its a climb but its totally worth the effort in the end.one thing i have learned when you get the chance to love love with all your heart without abandon without fear trust in that love and trust in yourself love yourself your partner your creator and all will be as it should be.simple little truths that took me so long to learn but longer still for some others it could always be worse.well I guess I've said all I should today now to add a title for today and publish n post for you all remember I love you your creator loves you and you need to love yourself too blessings and light to all of you.

Love and abuse the two don't go together at all

So I got to thinking.Yeah big mistake me thinking rite.Anyway I was thinking how could people benefit from my life.You know well abstinence is the best and safest way to stay virus free but then the use of condoms when your not being abstinent.But then i was thinking there is even more ways Like my life experiences could be helpful.I was in a severely abusive relationship or two and well you can get out you can walk away from that.I have witnessed real miracles in life in my life with my eyes Ive seen love in all its glory.I have longed for it.But i have never found it.does not mean its not there just maybe i been looking in the wrong places.Being abused by my exes and then having them make me feel like it was all my fault Watching my sisters go through relationship after relationship I stop and think that is me too.I find myself thinking i am never going to have that love that honest to goodness love.Just another abusive guy after the next and they find a way to manipulate it so that its all on me.I know what to look for now. there are signs.you can get help even in the gay world you can get help.you have to want it though.You should follow your heart but only if it doesn't cause pain.Life is beautiful it is worth living and living with someone you love.Love is real i know more than anything i know its real I've seen it and i have been through hell and back and i still long for it I still deserve it and so does everyone.Finding yourself though through all the heartbreak and heartache that can be difficult but you can do it and in the end you can be a blessed and happy person I am a blessed and Happy person as well I know i don't need someone to complete me I am a complete person its finding that one person who knows your complete and know that they are complete and well you two mesh.I guess I want that together or separate you compliment each other you are able to feel each other and and know each other faults and all that is beautiful that is love not pain abuse addiction its about two people finding happiness together two different people living and being two people but together. I know there are other ways to learn from me but I'm talking about love today and I think love is out there for all of us and i believe all of us deserve that love.To have someone look at you in that way that says my god your the most beautiful person in the world and I wouldn't want to spend my life with anyone else that is amazing and beautiful and yes it exist I know it does.You got to work for it sometimes but it is worth it all in the end but keeping your self identity through it all.being two separate people while building a life together through trust honesty and love.

What Dreams do come

Sometimes I cant decipher dream from reality .I dreamt last night i was HIV neg it was so real I also dreamed that all my health issues were gone.I guess when your chronically sick its a reoccurring dream.It just felt so real the doctor saying why the hell are you in the ER your fine your wasting time being here you could be being productive.I wish i could just do whatever and be productive.Life gets so damn hard when i am just sitting doing nothing.And its not like i do absolutely nothing i do allot you know.Just sometimes it doesn't feel like it.I dreamt I went On a Vacation to some wild country it was awesome I was healthy I could enjoy every second of my trip.It was so real and i was there in my mind and all but I woke up in my camper and I was like damn man its not real again.I told myself one day I will be there.SO my goals are to be healthy again to travel again to enjoy life's precious moments.To not let the virus get the best of me to not let my heart fail before i get to go and do and see all that i want to see.I will do I will go I will be ME .I promise myself everyday i will not let the world the virus negativity anything get me down and there are days when it gets extremely overwhelming but that day is not today.Today Is a good day even though its not a dream day its a good day.Everyday I rise Is a good day.Every day i see with renewed sense of self these are good days.Each day I give myself a positive affirmation that is a good day and the days i need help to see the positive affirmations hell i woke up so its a good day especially when the people that love me send me a positive affirmation people love me enough to care that makes it a great day.Some days I may feel alone down and out but I get that phone call e-mail or fb message from a loved one a family member who is far away from me that lets me know they are still in my life and that they still give a damn that is a great day.you know life is never easy for any of us but every day I rise every day i see anew every journey I get to make that is a blessing and what dreams do come they are beautiful aspirations and one day i will see them come true to fold. Life is a wondrous journey to behold I am here against all odds and i am living my life to it fullest potential and i love each day each and every person in my life i pray I eat i love I am grateful and i am blessed allot of us forget just how blessed we are we fall into a darkness but If i can find the good in life with all the bad that has happened to me so can anyone I truly believe in that. we are all blessed in so many ways. The creator loves each of us in his own very special way and that is our blessing and out greatest achievements are to love our creator love our selves and to love others that is how our journey each day should begin believe me it helps to think this way I do it everyday thank you thank creator thank me i am blessed

As Far As I'm Concerned

Look I take every day as it comes.People sometimes look at me as though i am A leper or it could just be in my head.Some times I wonder why people are still so under educated about HIV. Why has this disease fallen off the Map.It seems as though no one talks about it anymore people who do think you can get it so easy. everyone who does know or talk about it acts as though they are an expert on the subject but half the time don't know the four ways of transmission.Hell people don't even get tested regularly anymore.Let me tell you as far as I am concerned Every One and i mean everyone should be informed on this disease.People should know how to use condoms to protect themselves and fuck what anyone else thinks of you for using one if your going to have sex cover it cause you don't want to live life like i do.some people think that if they eat my cooking they will get HIV how stupid is that.I am so open about my status I always have been I have never kept it from anyone especially someone i date.Its important that people know what they are getting themselves into.I wish I had known what i was getting my self into when I was younger and contracted the Virus. Well I guess it could be worse my cd4 levels are good I got 954 t cells the virus is undetectable in my system.I am all in all good when it comes to that. I have been good I take my pills I live each day as it comes. Hell today I smoked chicken baked a cake and made two types of salads pasta and potato and we all ate great food and had a good time.Today was a damn good day even though my body is not in the best of health i think i got the flu even though I got my flu shots and everything this year.My chest has been hurting like crazy and my heart has been hurting allot lately my back has not been the greatest but you know I wake up every morning and am truly happy to be alive.Life as I know it is constantly changing but so is life as everyone knows it.the only difference between me and most people is that I have some health issues But i am not my health issues I am me and i can get up each day and live each day as it comes.I know that if I die tonight in my sleep I will have lived a damn good life and not have taken anything for granted in thins life.I know that although life isn't easy for me life isn't easy for anyone so I really cant complain you know.I am truly grateful for each and everyday that comes and every person in my life these are my blessings and i have so many I cant count them.The good in my life definitely outweighs the bad.

Somedays

Some days I feel like I am at my wits end. Not all of them just some of them.Most day's I feel like i am Stuck.When you live with  chronic Illness no one knows what you are going through but others like your self.I have been pos for going on 14 years.I have had health problems my whole life.I have had diabetes since i was four and heart issues since before i was born.Yeah i was born before neonatal heart surgery was incepted.in fact the type of heart surgery that could have prevented me getting so bad off with my heart well it is currently still in its infancy but there is a decent success rate unfortunately it wont help my condition now.although since i have a hereditary disease it helped my niece i had the good fortune to tell all my family to test everyone in my family to test all their kids for my condition. 6 so far have been diagnosed and also treated the surgery's needed costed an arm and a leg thank god my sisters had good insurance to pay for the surgeries. I feel that people just don't understand me at all. But I know i have to count my blessings. I wish i could be perfectly healthy but i am not life didn't have that in the cards for me.

Great of all things

Every time I try to update my password settings on facebook crap happens.I got a brand new bed today it feels great to have something nice again.I am going to buy a tv as soon as I can.everyone seems to think I am ignoring them but i am not feeling too great physically I cant wait to move.you know the little things like i bought a bottle of chocolate syrup today and its gone and no one will fess up i just spent a small fortune on meat and then i am a user because i used my food stamps which will only feed me not the fact that i know how the fuck to shop and over stock things and Ive bought everything for everyone and when i want something i am being selfish so i want out if they don't give me my disability i quit i am going back to work if it kills me fuck the govt. cause they don't care i will quit paying taxes and they can put me in prison and pay for all my fucking med's that way and if i die in prison for lack of medical care i hope my family goes after the government for recompense i am so tired of being fucked around and the government in which i paid into don't want to take care of me or anyone else they don't seem to care about any of us I feel like its mass murder because they deny us what we need that which we have paid in to them and we need to live that denial is the denial of life. Isn't it so what if the government sees what i am writing i hope they do and say shit we are wronging allot of good people maybe we should make it right but they never will they only let the rich get richer fuck the working class the people who died like my mom because of multiple denials and my dad the same thing happend to him and my aunt and uncle and then my friend who died three weeks before he got his first check from disability these are common place in these united states while the government bails out mutli billion dollar conglomerates like agi and others we the people the real people suffer and die.How is this right the republicans seem to think its right I on the other hand think its dispicable. screw the rich that lose thier money gambling it away they fucked themselves but people genuinly sick who have worked you screw them instead so your friends can still party and have coctails with you that is wrong entirely.but i am the one in the wrong because i cant afford health care because i am terminally ill right. Well i am done with my rant i am tired of my living situation i am tired of the government mabe i will be lucky and die in my sleep one can only fucking hope in this hell.