I did Not Write this But felt the Need to Share it Take a moment to read it Thank You

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
PLASTER AND STONE.

I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO
IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.

THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.

WAS THIS THE HERO
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?

I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.

SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.

I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY.

THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
'SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS.'

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.

I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, 'CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE.'

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
'MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,!
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.'
This poem was written by a Marine. The following is his request. I think it is reasonable.....
PLEASE. Would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as many people as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our U.S. service men,women, and Canadian Forces for our being able to celebrate these festivities.
Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we
owe. Make people stop and think of our heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us. Please, do your small part to plant this small seed.

Chest Pains on a Monday morning

It feels like bronchitis coming on I feel Fluid in my lungs. I have been hurting all morning I have so much to do today and yet I feel so bad I can hardly breath or move. When I try to breath my chest feels like It's on fire moving hurts and I reel in pain the coughing convulsions rage through my body to the point of almost vomiting and its all because I can barely breath. I wonder silently if it will ever get better I pray the pain will eventually stop it never does. I often toss and turn in my sleep. Becsuse I find it hard to breath at night the doctor mentioned a sleep study to see if it is apnea but I don't think it is (rather I don't want it to be) I don't want to be on a breathing machine I dont want to be on oxygen. It's hard enough on me with all I deal with I don't need the added stress I dont think I am strong enough to deal with it.
I know im complaining at the moment but right now I need to vent my emotions it scares me so bad when I feel this bad when my body feels so low that I don't know what else to do but go to the emergency room. If you know me you know I try very hard to avoid hospital and doctors. It is not where I want to spend my time. Since I was young I've spent far too much time in a hospital of some kind for one thing or other.too much of my life has been wasted in them. Well im going to nap for a few put the finishing touches and celebrate my aunt and Uncle's day with them.

Saturday December 10th 2011 and how my Day went

So today has been a bit rough the cold decided to seep deeply into my bones today I have felt pain in my joints that I didn't know possible I have suffered with pain for so long that most pain I can handle with no issues what so ever but today it was the worst it has ever been. I am Preparing for my cousins Birthday tomorrow and My Aunt and uncles wedding anniversary on Monday I decided on what I was going to prepare and its going to be good. I did all this through the pain. I managed to walk to the local grocery store which is a bit more expensive than that of say walmart and Dillon's but it was close and convenient and I got the necessities.
 Lately I have been sleeping a bit more than usual but I am sure I will be OK on the Day I am going to prepare my aunt and uncles anniversary feast. And I am going to prepare the dessert tomorrow so that it has time to chill and set for them. I have everything Planned and I will probably spend tomorrow tidying up the whole house I plan on everything anymore even though I am not very big on planning ahead of time cause I never know if I am going to be here on said days. But I am even Planning my own birthday Its not going to be a big affair just me saying thanks on the day I was born its going to be just me myself and I maybe some family I don't know yet but just something small I don't plan on doing much just celebrating life and remembering life is nothing but a celebration of thanks giving for being here.
 Today I saw my Facebook friend Leslie Kinder and we had a great conversation it was amazing to know that there is someone else out there that has strong beliefs about the socioeconomic problems out there as I myself have. its a blessing to to meet people who feel as strongly as I do in these situations and who realize we are all part of that 99% Living on such a budget is very hard but I manage its tough but what in life worth anything isn't tough Right?
 I know how blessed I am to know so many people who feel the same way and can relate to the same issues as I myself have to deal with.it takes allot of little people to speak allowed so they'/re voices are heard just like all of us living with the Virus shouting out to the government to make sure that we get the proper care we not only need but deserve with out Making our voices heard we would get nothing.as it stands with all the federal budget cuts there is a huge wait list for ADAP in so many states luckily there isn't one yet in Ks. Small blessings small wins but every small win is a win in and of itself. I have learned over the years that we have to keep speaking about being in that percentile and being in the lost paperwork cause if we don't we don't get anything done with out our voices and with out making ourselves known the politicians forget who we are we can not be forgotten we must be heard and the people out there who say its easier to just cut the budgets and such need to be out shouted in my opinion.
 well that's my rant my day its literally what I did today and what I am preparing to do in the next couple of days and this is why I tend to ramble allot because my days are generally like this random but at least I am willing to admit it to myself and the world I hope you have enjoyed reading me and I hope you have a wonderful and eventful day and weekend be well love peace and light may it guide you all thanks for your time all and Mitakuye Oyasin

So Its that time of year again

In about 19 Days I am going to have yet another birthday I was thinking about all the great birthdays I have had through the years. And I got to thinking what were the best gifts. Well I never really got a whole lot on my birthday just cause its so close to Christmas but I always had a great celebration and the best one was when I was about 10 or so well that is until recently but I will get to that. You see when I was young my family was very big and we had just enough but mom and dad always made an effort for the holidays to make sure we all had a Christmas and such well this year in particular My mom My aunt and uncle and my dad and older brother Made a very special effort for my Birthday and my older sister kept me busy all day so they could get things together and I remember My sister taking me on the bus to stoneridge shopping Mall where Farrell's was it was this Ice cream Parlor place that well you could have birthdays and such it was old timey and when we finally got there every one was there with presents and cake and Ice cream my whole family all made this huge effort just for me and I know it must have cost a bundle cause this place wasn't cheap but they all helped to make me remember that that was my special Day. these are the memories i will keep and cherish from my child hood remembering my whole family cared so much to do something just for me they were all there for me even though that it was Christmas time and we were all broke My whole family came together to celebrate my special Day If I could have one thing this year on my birthday it would be my family coming together to celebrate the joys of life to be with me and enjoy our family and each other.
 Well of course there is another very special gift I was talking about and that is a more recent Story it was an unintentional gift My sister gave to me on my birthday. See My older sister Has been in recovery for several years now and early on in her recovery She found out she was pregnant. and I was very excited for her that year we found out My Nieces due date was something like the 24th of December or Christmas day and I told my sister nope your going to have that baby on my Birthday I just know it. I helped plan her baby shower and got all these super expensive gifts for her I got her one of them diaper Gene's and so much as a damn Wipey Warmer I said my baby's tooshie will never be cold lolz and when Christmas time came around my sister was like i am going to have this baby i know it and I said nope she is going to be born on the 28th no doubt and we argued in a playful sibling banter but lo and behold My beautiful niece was born on my birthday a celebration of life on my day in my family Suzie never expected to have her on that day and she will never know just how much it means that I was honored by the Creator that her daughter was born on my birthday to remind me that life is a gift that My day of birth was the first gift I ever received and that I am also a gift to my community my family and my people so my niece is that reminder that we are all precious gifts everyone of us are a gift from the creator and everyday is a gift.
 And so with my Birthday coming I would like to thank my mom my dad My sisters and brothers my nephews and nieces and cousins aunts and uncle for always being there reminding me how precious life is and I would like to thank them all for being a part of my life my celebration of the Creators love each and everyday. 14 years Positive and I am still here able to celebrate birthdays and holidays with my family how amazing is that isn't that the best gift in and of itself to be able to spend it with the ones you love and to cherish each and every single moment whether its your next or your last knowing that Life is a celebration that is what I want for my birthday the reminder that Life is a celebration of being.......

organic versus conventional and the debate begins

So s over the years through books and articles.
It is not to be considered as medical advice or 
information to be used for self-doctoring.
All diseases and illnesses presented herin or 
implied should be treated

Why Eat Organic?

By choosing organic foods, you are choosing to bring more health into your life. Eating organic foods helps to build immunity, increase strength and promotes recovery from chronic conditions.

While organic food is mainstream now and can be found in nearly all grocery and health food stores, visiting Farmer's Markets is one of the best ways to find organic foods and support your local community and you'll get far fresher foods than those that have been shipped from all parts of the country.

Organically grown meats and poultry's are also becoming more available.

What's the difference?

Just as with vitamins, there is always "something" that eludes a manufacturer. The makers of chemical fertilizers cannot reproduce in their correct proportions the essential trace elements that go to make up the good earth.

Modern large-scale food production methods have made it almost impossible to obtain a really pure and unadulterated product of nature. Chemicals act like a tonic and give plants a sharp uplift, but the effect soon wears off and the soil is left as impoverished as before.  Ground without any organic treatment is also devoid of earthworms, which are essential to the health of the soil.  Earthworms are the greatest gardeners of all.  They eat soil to a vast extent and make about their own weight in the finest fertilizer everyday. Their castings are much richer than the actual soil they take in. Chemicals kill earthworms!

After 100 to 300 years of cultivation, our soils are worn out! And, there are still claims that "evidence is lacking" that chemical fertilizers and pesticides are detrimental to our health.  The FDA and the US Department of Agriculture regulate about 60% of the food produced in the United States and individual states are responsible for the rest. Of the 70,000 chemicals produced, the EPA lists 60,000 as either potentially or definitely hazardous to our health!

The argument that "evidence of toxicity is lacking" is not valid because evidence of safety is even more lacking! The tremendous increase in illnesses, especially cancer, may in part be correlated with the hundreds of millions of pounds of pesticides added annually to the billions of pounds already in the ground, bits of them carried by soil solution into every cell of our foods.

Nitrates from commercial fertilizers destroy or decrease the vitamin C content of plants.  In our bodies they can be changed to nitrites, which have caused serious illnesses and even fatalities.  Government regulations set "parts per million" restrictions which lull us into complacency but a number of insecticides have induced many health problems such as liver and kidney damage.  Laboratory research has shown that pesticide residues can be found in the brains of rats but has not been studied in the human brain.  Apparently, the body fat of everyone contains poison residues.  Single foods exceeding the so-called "level of safety" cannot be marketed, but the cumulative amounts ingested over prolonged periods cannot be controlled.

Three hundred million tons of waste is generated annually by industry.  The EPA estimates that 90% of this waste is disposed of improperly.  Much of this waste finds its way into our air, water, soil and food supplies.  We must learn how to be involved and support efforts to heal and purify our earth and its people!

Food plants from high acre yields, forced by chemical fertilizers, contain more carbohydrates and are lower in protein and minerals.  Potassium in the form of chemical fertilizers, or liming the soil, unless done with a magnesium limestone or dolomite, both cause such a severe lack of magnesium in food plants that magnesium deficiencies in humans have become widespread.

Calcium, magnesium, potassium and iron contents of vegetables from mineral-rich organic ground have ranged from four to many hundreds of times higher than those grown on soil long under cultivation. Foods from land rich in natural minerals and humus have a greater protein content than those grown in chemically fertilized soils.

Foods grown on healthy soils appear to produce superior human health.  Furthermore, plants grown on well mineralized, composted and mulched land have a remarkable ability to remain healthy and are little bothered by pests.  Thousands of organic farmers have proven that the use of chemical fertilizers and pesticides are not needed.  One of the factors detrimental to health is the passing of the home garden!

If space permitted, example upon example could be given as to the detrimental effect of chemical fertilizers, pesticides and additives.  The destruction of amino acids, vitamins, minerals and proteins in our foods is high.  The cumulative amounts and reactions of one chemical with another are magnified through additives.  Some foods, such as white bread, are said to contain no fewer than 30 different additives.  The soothing "no evidence for alarm" may well continue until irreparable damage has been done, if it hasn't already!

There is some evidence, for example, that sorbic acid and its salts, which are common preservatives, can combine with nitrites, popular food additives, to produce a chemical compound that may cause genetic mutations.  Any toxic substance can harm the liver.  Since all of us consume, with our foods, pesticides, additives, preservatives and nitrates, it's believed that everyone has liver damage to some extent.  Any form of liver damage causes increased susceptibility to cancer.  Also, susceptibility increases tremendously when diets are deficient in protein or essential amino acids.

Physical health, which is the basis for mental, emotional and spiritual development, cannot be maintained without adequate nutrition.  Sound nutrition is your fortress against disease. 

Here’s why organics are healthier in one word – “pesticides”…

How healthy can food grown with deadly pesticides be?

Seriously. Yeah, there may not be ADDED health benefits to eating organics. You won’t run faster or get better eyesight (well maybe) but the point these reports are missing is what you LOSE by eating organics. You lose pesticides. Pesticides are poison. Pesticides were created to kill. Pesticides have been shown to cause nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, wheezing, rashes and other skin problems, chronic adverse effects on neurological function, cancer, reproductive harm, reduced growth and development, birth defects and more.

In children alone, pesticide poisoning is so serious that it’s been mistaken for issues such as brain hemorrhage, head trauma, diabetic acidosis, severe bacterial gastroenteritis, pneumonia and whooping cough.

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that NOT having all the above health conditions is way healthier than having them.

According to the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) and the National Academy of Sciences, standard chemicals are up to ten times more toxic to children than to adults, depending on body weight. So if you think your adult organ systems are vulnerable imagine what toxic chemicals are doing to your kids.

Blood samples of children aged 2 to 4, have shown that concentrations of pesticide residues are six times higher in children eating conventionally farmed fruits and vegetables compared with those eating organic food.

The US Centers for Disease Control reports that a main sources of pesticide exposure for children comes from the foods they eat.

Worse the folks spraying crops with deadly pesticides really don’t care if they cause harm or not. The EPA doesn’t care if your family eats pesticides. In fact the EPA wanted to test low-income children by giving them MORE pesticides until people called them out as insane. Some of theparties who are supposed to certify organics don’t care. The USDA and FDA most certainly don’t care.

The OCA notes that the US Department of Agriculture “Strictly prohibits mixing different types of pesticides for disposal, due to the well known process of the individual chemicals combining into new highly toxic chemical compounds.” That said there are zero regulations when it comes to mixing pesticides for use by consumers and studies report that 62% of food products tested contain a measurable mixture of residues of at least three different pesticides. Nice!

Make no mistake, it’s up to YOU not any government agency to keep your kids safe from pesticides. Well, maybe the President’s Cancer Panel is taking some responsibility – see Reducing Environmental Cancer Risk: What We Can Do Now (pdf). That’s a start.

In any case, a heaping platter of pesticides sure sounds like healthy fun to me.

Other reasons why organics are healthier:

• Most people I know who tend to shell out bigger dollars for organics cut back in other food areas – i.e. processed foods, chips, etc. The cost difference ends up making organics a healthier choice when folks cut back eating non-nutritious food so they can afford organics.
• Organics don’t pollute our land, air and water systems.
• Organic farming doesn’t harm farmers and their families.
• Pesticides in non-organics may be linked to ADD and obesity.

One last thing – nutrients are a seriously weak point when it comes to health…

Organics and conventional foods may overall contain the same amount of nutrients (although many believe organics really do contain more nutrients) but nutrients aside, once you put toxic chemicals into the ground, which then goes into the food, which then goes into your body, it changes your body for better or worse and no amount of nutrients will help you out.

If you’re healthy to start with, hopefully your body will absorb the max amount of nutritional value from the foods you eat. If you’re sick because you’ve been munching on toxic pesticides, maybe your body is functioning worse and you’ll be less able to soak up all those healthy nutrients.

You so don’t have to be a scientist to know that eating poison means your body won’t function well. When I was in college for nursing we learned that when you’re sick you’re not absorbing the best nutrients possible plus when your body is under attack it may respond by feeling less hungry.

To sum up: I don’t care if organic foods have more nutritional value than conventional food or not. Hell, organic food could be LESS nutritious and I’d still feed them to my family over conventional. I’d rather have them lose a few nutrients and give them a multivitamin than have them eat poisonous pesticides.

What do you think? What’s more important about the whole conventional vs. organic debate – nutritional value or pesticides? 
   So I saw some of these articles and this is My conclusion. Eating Organic Is basically pennies different that conventional I feel strongly that Organic is tons better for your body digestive tract and your health. My personal experience has proven that when i personally eat a balanced organic Diet verses the conventional Slop that is what passes for food in the Grocery stores I feel healthier stronger and My meds have less interactions with my body in other words less side effects and I am able to keep a healthy body weight and healthier life style. But Please Tell me what you think as for me my diabetes is in better control my HIV is undetectable I have less headaches and my stomach doesn't hurt from peptic ulcer disease or gerd so please leave a comment talk about this when it comes to just a few cents difference in the wallet isn't  it better to spend the extra penny for more flavorful and better for you food? Tell me what You think ........

by a qualified professional.

Atripla Dream Or Vision I dont know

So it was winter snow all around driving in a caravan up to South Dakota My Family had finally accepted they're Native roots and I was to go into Rabbit lodge to speak to the elders and Hear they're wisdom My beloved Uncle was there My aunts and cousins and my sisters and they're children On the way up there I was driving Bear and Apache my two cousins were in the very Back seat and Jena was in the middle with a bunch of the kids in a big rented Pow wow Van Apache and Bear were being silly saying that old adage are we there yet and I took my eyes off the road and said "NO WE ARE NOT THERE YET" I turned around and lo and behold  haoyolka the elk was there right in front of me with a herd I had no choice but to hit him destroying the front end of the Van but no one was hurt it was a miracle. But there was no room in the other cars fro any of us so we sent the kids off with the rest while we waited for help it didn't take long for a tow truck to get to us and get us to another dealer and into another vehicle we eventually got there but I needed the ceremony more than ever. then I woke up and I decided to shower cause I needed spiritual cleansing I started with my body it scared me it just truly scared me there are other parts of the dream so vivid but I am losing them now I just don't know how to interpret them.
Now I created this blog to help with accepting my HIV and who I am but part of it is the traditional part my native heritage with out which I would not be here today... SO i need to see what comes of this I must ask my beloved elders to confer on this and tell me the meaning so I am going to go into prayer for the love of my family the love of my people for people who suffer with the virus I need to get to the bottom of this so I can finally know I f I am on the right path my dreams are my own and the medication has never taken over before but this time I wonder if the medication just might Have I have come to terms with living with my virus we coexist co habitat in the temporary body of ours but are the medications taking from me that part of my spirit and sullying it. Taking away my dream ability I do not know and it scares me so much Cause I can not live with out my dreams my abilities that I was gifted with my whole life.
yes it scares me but I do want to live does it mean I am a bad person that I would try to keep the gifts I always had that I am selfish in this way I do not know so I will go in to prayer confer with the elders I have come to know those few who I trust. I want to live I need to live I have the desire and will to live. I would do anything to be free of this virus to be just me again but I know the reality is I live with it and I need to just continue to accept it.so till the day come I will educate about everything I know about myu virus and my meds as they come and go hopefully this is a medication dream, and I am not on my way to this folly if so I will be on look out for the signs on the trip I pray for the good to happen now I am going back to bed to try to rest in my restless lonely nights. Love to you all Pielamaya Megwetch and A'ho all who have taken the time to read my dream ramblings

Mondays Random Rambling

I don't Know where to begin today Has been extremely cold I woke up about ten times in the night. I long for the night I can sleep through. I never thought when I was younger how much sleep affected me that and the lack thereof . People often forget how a good nights sleep really refreshes the Human body. I have had a hard time eating anything and all that that has been bothering me too. Just nothing sounds or tastes good anymore.I love to cook but when I cant taste what it Is that I am cooking whats the point. I hate not feeling at the top of my Game my meds are doing a number on my body I am going up and down in my wight And I really cant stand it. When I look in the mirror I see a stranger staring Back at me bags under my eyes and the weight on my face I just don't see me anymore. I often wish I wasn't getting older that I could go back and freeze time where I was once and I know it seems so well shallow but I am not the guy I use to be physically or emotionally. I guess I have grown from  place deep in side and I have changed enormously I am not saying I have grown in a bad way at all with the exception of my weight I just wish I was youthful and hopeful again. In some ways I have never lost any hope at all but then there are the times where I am like my body feels the weight of itself and the weight of the world. The cold the heat it seeps into my bones and I feel it all the pain in peoples Eyes the sadness lurking in the people around em I feel it all its not that I am extra sensitive its that i just have always seen it. I feel it an it hurts.
The good thing is I don't feel so alone anymore I know I am never alone I have faith in good people and the Creator I know that No matter what no one can tear me down no matter how hard they try I am doing good work By telling my story. people have thanked me more than once So I will continue to tell my story never giving up or giving in its what keeps me strong.I don't go out seeking others to tear them down or try to contradict what others do that is on them not my place I never judge its not my place I live everyday the best way that I can I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am always there for some one in need Life has been good to me I am very blessed that Is how I see it. I have been working on me and I have been who I am for as long as I can remember. So I do this with respect to those who are not HIV pos and those who are newly diagnosed or who just need to know they are not alone.
It seems to me allot of People who are HIV pos are so afraid to let others know their Status well its very important to know your status its important for you and your partner  if your in a pos neg relationship you need to protect your partner and you need the support of that partner life is never going to be easy it never gets to the point of breaking even when you feel like it is it doesn't I say this because I have been so down before I didn't know how strong I was but i am here I am stronger than ever I am alive and I see the best that life has to offer even when my darkest hour was upon me I know it wasn't a breaking point because if it was I wouldn't be here we all have ways of looking at things differently that is what makes us all unique in our own ways but I am unique in the fact that I have survived where other people couldn't I have a strength that others may not have or could not bring out in them selves I have will to live love and fight. I could spend my life feeling sorry for myself locking myself away from society but I wont I don't I go out and I tell I share my story and i live everyday knowing this doing this being me getting stronger Day By day moving forward living each day as it comes and being grateful for each new day that comes my way I know I have been blessed and i know That through it all life will never give me more than I can handle at one time so there is my Monday rambling i hope it helps you I know that blabbering has helped me thanks for reading

Sunday Morning

It is after 1 am I took My sleeping pills and I am still wide awake Why? I still have yet to figure out why I have insomnia why I sleep only 2 to 3 hours and then I am up all damn day and Night it has been like this for allot of years I am still working on all of this. I can say that throughout my life I have had these issues long before  I was positive I was an Insomniac long before I was pos I was a diabetic and had many other health Issues. It totally sucks cause while my body refuses to sleep I cant seem to think properly my thoughts are totally random and I cant keep up with them I am always trying to make sense of what goes on in my damn head but I have yet to do so.
So suffice it to say I have serious issues with my body my sleep schedule and well everything. So we had a fantastic Dinner tonight I have yet to put anything away I don't want to I am too fucking lazy yes I admit I have a problem that Problem Is sheer Laziness. I feel as though I do enough allot of the time but not enough most of the time yeah a total contradiction see what I mean total randomness.
 I just cant get my thoughts to seen to stay right at the moment. Life is just at time a series of Random events I am hoping to go to sleep soon god the commercials at night are so freaking weird gah I don't know what to think at the moment and my cousin is sitting here making me laugh so off i ma going to go for a rest thanks for reading tonight morning

Love and Life

I Have always been told take your time in love.Well when you have so little time in this world with out the virus why then should we take our time why not Fall just flat out Fall head over heals and feel the euphoria of love and let it completely encompass who we are? I just don't see the point of Taking your time when time is so precious for all of us living with or with out the Virus.Love heals a fragile Shattered battered and bruised life. After everything all of us go through why not allow Love to heal us make us better People. It seems to me to Shy away from love is folly. Love is a gift that should be seen as such for what it is.and I believe that there is no greater gift than love we should not turn from it but embrace it. Love yourself first love your family love your partner love your children have faith in the fact that this is the greatest gift out there...
 So with that Said yes I think I have been blessed with the gift again taking it slow isn't my strong point but I will slowly look forward to what unfolds. I am going to be as patient as the tree is waiting for the rain soaking in the sun. I will stand Tall and be glad by the embraces. I will not judge I will accept what comes I will be who I am with who  i am with and I pray that I am good enough for this journey I have been healing for more than a year from my shattered relationship and now I am going to embrace what comes my way. If it is meant to be then it is meant to be if not I know we will remain friends cause this is one that I am willing to do that with but this is a gift a true gift to know this person my special one I know how blessed I am and I am told that I am not the Lucky one He is he says it all the time. What remains is a blessing from the creator that I have not known in such a long time I am so glad that He found me and gathered the courage To ask me to be with him I would have not ever thought in a million years he of all people would but wow.
So with all that said I have had the Talk with him although he knows everything about me before and and he was more than willing to follow all the rules and was glad I made it a point to be safe he just wants to be with me. And the fact he accepts me for who I am the me inside and all that comes with me and accepts everything I know how blessed i am. It is so important to me to protect my partner and to continue to live by example it has been a life changing experience but not so much that I can not continue to grow and change for the better from everything and this is an experience that even today I would not change for the world my virus has been my blessing it has changed me for the better it has made me a stronger man a stronger ndn and a more compassionate person all together as well as taught me my own self worth above all else it has made me who I am today. Through it all I am here for those in need for those who have lost hope who fear what next shall come I live my life with no more fear no more regrets with my heart on my sleeve with the ones I love nearer to me everyday there are so many reasons to be grateful and I see this Virus for what it is not a death sentence but a learning experience for me for you for all those out there to learn from my experience for all of us and I am truly and utterly blessed not just in love life or luck not just today but everyday and Gitchee Manidoo tungusila Wakonda Creator he has blessed me with the warrior spirit I have today and given me everything to live for everything to learn from everything to be me who i am right now and for this i am always grateful

World AIDS DAY 2011

World AIDS Day 2011 has started great it has been eventful but I am grateful to see it to have been blessed to see this glorious day To know I have helped others to know that My words reach so many that I have inspired others around the world it touches my very Spirit . I was taught that you give of yourself unselfishly and So I do so regardless of the criticism of the people who call me a liar and say I am killing myself with the very treatment that is saving my life. Today is a day of awareness to know your status to teach others how to be safe and to protect themselves. I remember the day I found out I was not in shock or denial I accepted it I was a little angry and disappointed but I am stronger for it I have accepted my virus I live with it I own it for now we both coexist in this body that we share and each Day I know I am here I am positive and I am doing what ever it takes to help others not become positive and the newly diagnosed to seek treatment as soon as possible.I wish I could have the money to travel around the world to speak in front of people to tell my story to teach those people how to protect themselves and to help those who need it seek treatment and accept their Virus so that they can continue to live long healthy and productive lives. I still wait for the day that there is no more HIV that no child is born with it and that it is eradicated from this world until the cure is found I will be here speaking and teaching and doing all that i can for HIV and AIDS awareness ....