Today is a bad day I wish for the better ones

I am always saying some day's are better than others.Today Its  a pretty bad day for my pain and my body.I have a new symptom something that i have never had before.A huge and very Painful Knot on my butt cheek the doctor thinks its a cyst great.so i have to call and get in to see a physician here in GB asap. Like that is very likely .Still no insurance no disability nothing I am at my whits end.It hurts to move. It hurts to sit my asthma is acting up i cant hardly breath.Hell My lungs feel like they are on fire and whats worse is nothing is helping.I wish I were healthy instead of chronically sick.and oh yeah Ive got another yeast infection. This living Pos isn't easy but at least i am alive.and I found out that the people i live with get chronic mrsa like i need that in my life really.I hate being in constant pain i really do i hate going to the hospital i hate it when people act like because i look healthy i am healthy what goes on inside isn't easy its hard.Very hard .But i just have to deal with it Ive spent so much time of my life that last ten years I have spent literally in the hospital so much I am on first name basis with the entire er staff .492 er visits in the last 10 years 269 hospital stays for more than a week at a time and 110 hospital stays for three days at a time. But the federal government says i am perfectly healthy when you get admitted to the hospital for 39 days how is that healthy.for the last three years i have spent 8 months of every year physically in the hospital now that is just ridiculous. I wish that things would get better I really do I cry so often because its so hard to cope at times.But i am here I am alive and for that i am grateful i really am.I know things will get better but its when will they get better i wish I had somewhere to go that i could be physically and emotionally and spiritually happy cause where i am at this time its hard.But i cant complain i have a roof over my head and food in my stomach when i need it I just wish things would get better soon.have you ever felt like you have no where to go?Have ever been on the streets with out even a dime in your pocket?that's where i am at right now.If it were not for Leesa I would be homeless.But i cant take all the criticism everything i do is completely wrong i could clean the whole house for her and it wouldn't be good enough. I know she has ocd but damn it when i do anything its always wrong in her eyes and she wonders why i feel like not doing anything at all.and i feel like I cant talk to her and I am having serious memory issues i cant remember simple things any more i feel like a damn retard any more i feel as though i am losing my identity and well these kids of hers always so fucking rude and hateful will i start to become like them from the exposure.I have tried so hard to stay on a healthy loving healing and spiritual path its just so hard when you constantly bombarded with malice hate envy and downright negativity.If I had money right now i would move far far away and just get on my feet but till i get either healthy enough to go back to work or get my disability i am stuck.and i guess I'm stressed to because i am single with no one to really love me well at least not the way i feel i need to be loved but who really understands that not many people do any more well i Gus that is all for now later days .Peace Love and Frybread Grease

Catoosa

So I've Been Invited to move to Catoosa Oklahoma to be nearer my sisters and their families I like the Idea of being closer to my support groups.Its really hard for me at times not to be around people that are spiritual and I would love to be there. I know I would miss Kansas but it would not be that bad  I don't think I just wish I had my disability already so financially i could be stable already it truly would make all the difference in the world.Now I feel that if i have the chance to be in that situation I should really take advantage of it.I love the people I am around but i feel it is spiritually unhealthy for me to be here and i know they wouldn't understand what that means and it would hurt them that i said it but if you don't have a relationship with the creator its hard to understand that point.And Ive been in relation ship after relationship with people who did not have a relationship with the creator and emotionally its hard especially when they try to use your spirituality against you like my last relationship did.But that is neither here nor there I know i need to get out of here and soon I know that I have allot to deal with physically and mentally and spiritually .I just wish I could tell my best friend that its not anything that she has done but rather for my own well being and have her understand that i am not leaving to hurt her but to keep me healthy.It makes me feel like I am not a good person when they think it is about them.you know and its hard for me to accept help because the obligatory feeling that is left behind.Its so hard to have this feeling in side like its all my fault that things are going wrong to have someone always yelling behind me that nothing is going they're way when every time i tell em you have to cleanse your self of the chaos there is an argument and i am wrong and i should just shut the fuck up cause i don't know what i am talking about.you know its never easy but shit you don't got to keep yourself down its going to kill you .and I just cant live like this anymore its killing me spiritually.and my spirituality above all else has been the thing that has kept me healthy for allot of years.and with out that I know i am nothing and some people just don't understand that about me.It can be difficult at times but I know everything will work out as long as I continue to follow my path and stay spiritually clean and keep my heart mind and spirit open to the creators will.because his will is all that really matters as he is the creator and has a perfect plan for each of us.I really want to be free of all this pain the emotional repercussions are very much upon me and i know that if i move although my friend here would be upset she may actually understand that i am doing the best thing for my own health

Sleep

So I am  an insomniac I have been for years.I get so little sleep unless I take a sleeping pill it kind of sucks but there is nothing to do for it other than follow a prescribed regimen from a doctor.So unless i take these pills I am always up and even when i do it takes hours for me too sleep.some of my physicians think it is totally psychological due to my youth and the abuse i suffered when i was younger I think they are full of it personally My dad had insomnia and so did my mom.I say its fucking hereditary but who listens to me.So along with my log very long list of health issues this is a simple truth Life is just that Life deal with it so i only got two hours of sleep last night it hasn't killed me yet that i sleep so little i am still here whats the big deal.OK done with that yeah sometimes i wish i could sleep without meds but well its my life i just have to deal some times yeah i would like to wake up fully rested but that's my life its just how it is.I don't live a pampered nor sheltered life i just live .and I guess that is enough for me.

Sort of Sworn Off guys altogether

I know it sounds ridiculous but after my last couple of relationships i feel like well I am just not one to have one.I am not one of those few lucky ones who will find a relationship that lasts until the stars fall.I look to my whats that word roll models like my parents they were together for like a million years before my dad died.And I am sorry that bullshit that gay years are longer and relationships in the gay world just wont last well it a crock because My aunt was with her wife for like forty years so yeah it may not be the norm but they can last I don't care what people say.I think its today's view on relationships period once it gets hard people fu@#^&$ run to the damn hills.Well I am tired of shisty men who run at the first sign of trouble yeah I got Baggage and well its a burden but who in the Sam hell doesn't I am HIV pos does that mean i don't deserve love and understanding? Rhetorical question duh.And Yeah I suffer from Diabetes and heart disease and a multitude of other health issues but I deserve love like everyone else I am just not lucky.I know life isn't easy I know love takes work but why is it that everytime i am in a relationship its 80 20 and i am always the one putting out the 80. what the hell ever happened to equal partners. Yeah I am moody and dysfunctional at times but hell i am depressed and with good reason its not like i have diagnosed depression i am depressed for a valid reason hell i got health problems and every time i go to the doctor they say oh well this is acting up or that is acting up you should be admitted to the hospital how would you feel if you spent 8 months literally 8 months out of every year in the hospital seriously tell me you wouldn't be depressed and i will show you a liar.Not to say that everyone is a liar but there is no one in this world that can live like that and be happy.and yeah life isn't easy Mine is far from it.and if you were me and been through the hell i been through you would feel the same. I have an open mind and I love people all people equally but i am kind of shy of being in a relationship and for crying out loud really I don't miss the sex.Yeah yeah yeah your calling me crazy right now but I don't miss it not one bit.and you know if you were me you would feel the same and if you went through what I've gone though i think you would feel the same way too.Its times like this that I really wish My parents were still alive but like i said life is not easy I've had to really live and go through allot without them for a while now and you know its hard but i am still here.I wish people really understood how much they really need positive influences in they're lives and you know my sister's would disagree but my parents were a very positive influence in my life maybe they weren't for them but they were always there for me when i needed them.Hell here i go rambling again well hey that's life I am off to bed i guess gotta love it Life in the fast lane got me where i am today and i wonder if that is a good thing.No man no home living in a camper on my friends property and Missing my family with baggage to make anyone run I guess I am not the lucky one no not the lucky one at all.

I dont know where to start

Well My sister told me I should start blogging. So here goes I am 33 years old been hiv pos since I was 19 years old.I guess ive been really blessed lucky and had alot of amazing grace in my life. I am currently Living in Great bend kansas with a really great friend and I thank god for her everyday. There are many places that i can begin my story but I am going to just start at today i have never blogged before at least not like this i was told i should blog on thebody.com but i dont know how. to be honest I have not had the patience to work with blogging. But My sister says there are many people who could benefit from my story. I dont know how people can benefit from me I am just me you know. I have had alot of experiences yeah ive li8ved with hiv for alot of years but how does one benefit from that.I tell people all the time cover it if your gonna play around cause you know I always thought that when your in a commited relationship you just do as your partner says and i wish i could have said no but i didnt so well here i am living pos. I am Native american Gay and pos yeah a real minority right. I am also the one one of my sibs who identify as native and the only one who has looked into our past. I hav found i have a huge famiy on the native side its really funny my whole life my mom told us we were white and mexican and my dad said dont tell no one my grandmotehrs were fullbloods well many people think that wrong but I found out alot about my family as to the why we didnt claim being native.and i feel like i am rambling like i said i dont knwo what i am doing here i am just telling my personal story. its really hard cause I really have so much to say but dont know what order to put it in.Well i got my lab work results after being pos for thirteen years I am undetectible which is in and of itself great. I talked to my attorney today about my disability hearing he is really postive about the outcome not only am i HIV positive but i have many other health issues. life can be really hard with my health issues but i get through it one day at a time sometimes i really wish i had another life but i a glad to be me.