I am A 33 Year old gay native/Hispanic Male Living with HIV for the last thirteen years.Some days I dont know where to begin and some days it feels like it might be the end But i am still here alive for a reason
Friday, April 29, 2011
A short pic post for everyone love light and peace to you all
letter to my future lover
I have been searching for you for what seems like an eternity. I have wanted to love you my whole life. And I still don't even know you. I know that When I meet you and when we find each other it will have all been worth the wait.
It seems I have been waiting so long for a Prince Charming or Mr Right in what seems like a world filled with Mr wrongs. I spend my days and and nights alone. Somedays I feel like I will never have what everyone else seems to have.But still I wait.It is sometimes so very hard to sit and wait but I do it and I pray.
I often look to the world for guidance in the trees in the grass in the small things.I know that what I am looking for is out there there is wonder in this world and lots of it.I know one day I will find everything I am searching for.I know a man exists that will take me as I am and help me to grow into the person I am truly destined to be.I know my past is filled with regret and sorrow but the future holds a wonder that i cant wait to see. Life is truly beautiful and even though I am just your everyday average guy with my own issues I know I am truly beautiful and worthy of something so much greater.
The world is such a big place and I only have this one life so i will go through it with love in my heart and a feeling of empowerment.I will be loved and love someone so special that it will have been so very worth going through the pain and stark sadness.But make no mistakes although I have had my trials and been through much I have lived a wonderful and beautiful life.I have made many mistakes on my road to love and happiness I know now what to look for. I have been very blessed in the good and the bad that I have been through for without it I would not be here today the me that i am now. Life will always be filled with many opportunities to make many more mistakes and to fall flat on my ass but I know I am surrounded by good people who will pick me up and help me achieve the goals that i am reaching for.
I do not reach for the stars I reach for the universe I reach for all the possibilities that are out there for me and I believe so should everyone.
I have seen miracles I have witnessed the work of the creator in my life and the lives of those around me.I know that for every action there is a reaction and that all things are possible with faith love and understanding. Yes I have been through allot and yes there is someone out there who will be able to help me to pick up all the pieces of the past and help me to mend the fragments of my heart.
Could you be him? Would you be willing to be? I know there is a maybe and a yes out there so I wait for you for the one who will sweep me off of my feet and say I don't care if I only get 5 minutes five days five years fifty years or more as long as I have the chance to spend those moments with you Larry that is all that Matters.So for you I will wait because I know you are real and you are out there and I know you will fill my heart with such joy that everything I have ever gone through will have been totally worth the wait.
Thank you guys for reading this post I know its a bit of much but we all have this in us and I believe we should all of us let it out so people know the real us I want you all to know the real me.I am HIV poz I am here I deserve love and to be loved like everyone else I am the face of HIV and I am the Face of everyman we are all one we are all related.
Mitakuye Oyasin .
thanks for reading thanks for the encouragement you guys give me thanks for everyday I have in this world to share with all of you blessing to you all I do love all of you.
It seems I have been waiting so long for a Prince Charming or Mr Right in what seems like a world filled with Mr wrongs. I spend my days and and nights alone. Somedays I feel like I will never have what everyone else seems to have.But still I wait.It is sometimes so very hard to sit and wait but I do it and I pray.
I often look to the world for guidance in the trees in the grass in the small things.I know that what I am looking for is out there there is wonder in this world and lots of it.I know one day I will find everything I am searching for.I know a man exists that will take me as I am and help me to grow into the person I am truly destined to be.I know my past is filled with regret and sorrow but the future holds a wonder that i cant wait to see. Life is truly beautiful and even though I am just your everyday average guy with my own issues I know I am truly beautiful and worthy of something so much greater.
The world is such a big place and I only have this one life so i will go through it with love in my heart and a feeling of empowerment.I will be loved and love someone so special that it will have been so very worth going through the pain and stark sadness.But make no mistakes although I have had my trials and been through much I have lived a wonderful and beautiful life.I have made many mistakes on my road to love and happiness I know now what to look for. I have been very blessed in the good and the bad that I have been through for without it I would not be here today the me that i am now. Life will always be filled with many opportunities to make many more mistakes and to fall flat on my ass but I know I am surrounded by good people who will pick me up and help me achieve the goals that i am reaching for.
I do not reach for the stars I reach for the universe I reach for all the possibilities that are out there for me and I believe so should everyone.
I have seen miracles I have witnessed the work of the creator in my life and the lives of those around me.I know that for every action there is a reaction and that all things are possible with faith love and understanding. Yes I have been through allot and yes there is someone out there who will be able to help me to pick up all the pieces of the past and help me to mend the fragments of my heart.
Could you be him? Would you be willing to be? I know there is a maybe and a yes out there so I wait for you for the one who will sweep me off of my feet and say I don't care if I only get 5 minutes five days five years fifty years or more as long as I have the chance to spend those moments with you Larry that is all that Matters.So for you I will wait because I know you are real and you are out there and I know you will fill my heart with such joy that everything I have ever gone through will have been totally worth the wait.
Thank you guys for reading this post I know its a bit of much but we all have this in us and I believe we should all of us let it out so people know the real us I want you all to know the real me.I am HIV poz I am here I deserve love and to be loved like everyone else I am the face of HIV and I am the Face of everyman we are all one we are all related.
Mitakuye Oyasin .
thanks for reading thanks for the encouragement you guys give me thanks for everyday I have in this world to share with all of you blessing to you all I do love all of you.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Stigma of living with HIV
Ok no its not thirty years ago and we all have a better chance at a healthier and happier life with the virus.Ok so its not twenty years ago and more people are educated today than back then. Ok its not ten years ago with all the experimental treatments. It is the year 2011 and it seems there are still idiots out there who either dont know or think they know everything about HIV. Recently A well lets say former friend said to me that they had no problem eating my cooking or even eating after me but if I were looking for a relationship from them they couldnt do it cause they couldnt be able to have sex with me!!!!WTF ok have we not heard of condoms even if I swung that way there are ways to protect your partner.And a dear friend mine points out yeah HIV is not a death sentance but definatrly a life sentance. You never get a break no not even from the stigma and the lack of education and if you are not living in denial of your virus I salute you but some of us have chosen to take the next step not only living openly POS but we are being active in the HIV community it did not occur to me till recently that I was an HIV activist and Have been for many years not only did I educate myself about my virus I educated my lovers and my family and they're families about my virus. So it was only logical to take the next step and well as i have always been open about being POS since I contracted the Virus in 98 I figures I would put my face in there with the others let people hear my story or rather read my story and How I live each and every single day with this virus.
Yeah some days are worse than others that is for sure. But what affects me the most is the ignorance and how this VIRUS has seemed to been put on the back burner now that we have treatments that extend life expectancies for many years. Dont you feel there is still a need to find a cure and a vaccine? Well?
Ok so I want a cure if not in my lifetime soon I want a vaccine if not in my life time soon! its not to much to ask not really.The future of the entire human race seems to depend on it I think. Yeah ! I put in my two sense there I seem to be ranting so let me get back to topic.Stigma even today in the year 2011 there is still stigma Why because of the scare tactic marketing of profilactics you dont want to be with a scorpian it could kill you yeah that picture really pissed me the fuck off I mean I dont see myself as a looker but I am definatly not a fucking arachnid waiting to sting my lover to death. Hello If anything I have always been careful about sexual contact and epecially blood spills I have always always used hazmat clean up procedures I keep gloves of all sizes on hand at all times I have all kinds of steril bandaging items so that I can stop my bleeding in the event of an emergency till help arrives and yes I have had my share of house hold accidents and i cleaned things up myseflf wouldnt let my lover or family near it I have always used protection. I have always been as safe as one can be. Yes it is sometimes a little difficult to not feel your lover 100% but you know what I love them enough to keep them safe.to my knowlege I have never passed my virus to another person.
so whats with I couldnt have sex with you shit dont you know how to be safe seriously. Anyway some people believe that HIV and AIDS are the same thing when they are not I have never yet had an AIDS diagnosis I have although come very close to one. and yes it bothers me when people say Larry hey dont you Have AIDS? NO I DO NOT HAVE AIDS I have HIV that is my diagnosis and when I get an AIDS diagnosis I will let everyone know be sure of that.people arent afraid of HIV anymore but they still look at AIDS like it is something to be scared of why Because of posters of people having sex with scorpians that label HIV/AIDS together. or label aids as HIV people dont talk about a cure or vaccine for HIV only for AIDS. its scary how many people dont see the difference I know we who are POS do cause till you get that AIDS diagnosis there is some kind of hope. For many once they get the AIDS diagnosis they start to fail very fast they lose all hope they start withering before your eyes not all but for allot.I dont know if i have the strength it takes to get through an AIDS diagnosis and stay positive and healthy you know and so far I have not been had my strength tested like that.Do i think that day is coming anytime soon ? To be honest I dont know.I will simply have to deal with it when i get there. I am 33 and on december the 28th of this year I will be 34. When I was a kid before my HIV diagnosis the doctors all told me I was very lucky very blessed I lived a charmed life I had many health issues but they were caught early and were treated and treatable like my diabetes and my heart condition things like my atshma and well you get the picture I have never been the epidomy of health But I have always had an inner strength that kept me going.
For years I saw my parents struggle with me I grew up I was full of well lets just say energy ie: I was the spawn of a demon seed for a while there. But luckily I grew out of that i found myself i became a better person and every day I am still becoming a better person.I live each and every day as if it could be my very last Why? you may ask not because Of my Virus no but because we need to take each and everyday for what it is a gift.In the immortal words of Madea "yesterday Is hitsory tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift thats why they call it the present." until you live your life knowing that at any moment the ones you love or even you yourself could be gone you will tend to take things for granted.many people waste thier time on stupid trivial things and forget to take a moment to stop look at the flowers smell the roses see everything under creation and just be amazed. life is perfectly awesome every day you get to wake up and take a new breath it is precious and when you label regular people like myself as outcast because of the AIDS virus HIV you may be letting the most amazing person slip through your very fingers.No not me But there are other pretty fricking amazing people out there me I am your average everyday joe or rather Larry.but you get what I am saying ? Rite?
So with that said I want everyone to take a breath and remember a simple little daily mantra
this is one i like to repeat to myself everyday and remember this about all people ok we are all beauty and grace we are all perfect in our own way so here is my little Mantra...
I am my spirit….In my flesh, my thoughts, my choices, my relations, and my humanness I am anything but perfect, but at my core, in my Spirit, I am perfect, as we all are. I am pure, I am whole, I am the universe, I am grateful, I am love, and I have nothing to fear. Everything is ultimately good. And so it will be.
I repeat this everyday and even when I am angry I recite it it is very beautiful and very true to the heart.
so with that I will close yeah I still have allot to say on stigma but you know here is what I will say even though there is allot of stigma out there never stop disclosing never be dishonest about being POS and for those of you who arent POS be safe you are so worth it love your self enough to protect yourself You deserve a life free of this virus. So even though you may be rejected be honest.Even though you are neg always protect yourself.Like my dear friend Maria Mejia say's no HIV iss no longer a death sentance but it is a life sentance many blessings unto all of you I love you all be good be safe be well be loved all day's and everyday .
Yeah some days are worse than others that is for sure. But what affects me the most is the ignorance and how this VIRUS has seemed to been put on the back burner now that we have treatments that extend life expectancies for many years. Dont you feel there is still a need to find a cure and a vaccine? Well?
Ok so I want a cure if not in my lifetime soon I want a vaccine if not in my life time soon! its not to much to ask not really.The future of the entire human race seems to depend on it I think. Yeah ! I put in my two sense there I seem to be ranting so let me get back to topic.Stigma even today in the year 2011 there is still stigma Why because of the scare tactic marketing of profilactics you dont want to be with a scorpian it could kill you yeah that picture really pissed me the fuck off I mean I dont see myself as a looker but I am definatly not a fucking arachnid waiting to sting my lover to death. Hello If anything I have always been careful about sexual contact and epecially blood spills I have always always used hazmat clean up procedures I keep gloves of all sizes on hand at all times I have all kinds of steril bandaging items so that I can stop my bleeding in the event of an emergency till help arrives and yes I have had my share of house hold accidents and i cleaned things up myseflf wouldnt let my lover or family near it I have always used protection. I have always been as safe as one can be. Yes it is sometimes a little difficult to not feel your lover 100% but you know what I love them enough to keep them safe.to my knowlege I have never passed my virus to another person.
so whats with I couldnt have sex with you shit dont you know how to be safe seriously. Anyway some people believe that HIV and AIDS are the same thing when they are not I have never yet had an AIDS diagnosis I have although come very close to one. and yes it bothers me when people say Larry hey dont you Have AIDS? NO I DO NOT HAVE AIDS I have HIV that is my diagnosis and when I get an AIDS diagnosis I will let everyone know be sure of that.people arent afraid of HIV anymore but they still look at AIDS like it is something to be scared of why Because of posters of people having sex with scorpians that label HIV/AIDS together. or label aids as HIV people dont talk about a cure or vaccine for HIV only for AIDS. its scary how many people dont see the difference I know we who are POS do cause till you get that AIDS diagnosis there is some kind of hope. For many once they get the AIDS diagnosis they start to fail very fast they lose all hope they start withering before your eyes not all but for allot.I dont know if i have the strength it takes to get through an AIDS diagnosis and stay positive and healthy you know and so far I have not been had my strength tested like that.Do i think that day is coming anytime soon ? To be honest I dont know.I will simply have to deal with it when i get there. I am 33 and on december the 28th of this year I will be 34. When I was a kid before my HIV diagnosis the doctors all told me I was very lucky very blessed I lived a charmed life I had many health issues but they were caught early and were treated and treatable like my diabetes and my heart condition things like my atshma and well you get the picture I have never been the epidomy of health But I have always had an inner strength that kept me going.
For years I saw my parents struggle with me I grew up I was full of well lets just say energy ie: I was the spawn of a demon seed for a while there. But luckily I grew out of that i found myself i became a better person and every day I am still becoming a better person.I live each and every day as if it could be my very last Why? you may ask not because Of my Virus no but because we need to take each and everyday for what it is a gift.In the immortal words of Madea "yesterday Is hitsory tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift thats why they call it the present." until you live your life knowing that at any moment the ones you love or even you yourself could be gone you will tend to take things for granted.many people waste thier time on stupid trivial things and forget to take a moment to stop look at the flowers smell the roses see everything under creation and just be amazed. life is perfectly awesome every day you get to wake up and take a new breath it is precious and when you label regular people like myself as outcast because of the AIDS virus HIV you may be letting the most amazing person slip through your very fingers.No not me But there are other pretty fricking amazing people out there me I am your average everyday joe or rather Larry.but you get what I am saying ? Rite?
So with that said I want everyone to take a breath and remember a simple little daily mantra
this is one i like to repeat to myself everyday and remember this about all people ok we are all beauty and grace we are all perfect in our own way so here is my little Mantra...
I am my spirit….In my flesh, my thoughts, my choices, my relations, and my humanness I am anything but perfect, but at my core, in my Spirit, I am perfect, as we all are. I am pure, I am whole, I am the universe, I am grateful, I am love, and I have nothing to fear. Everything is ultimately good. And so it will be.
I repeat this everyday and even when I am angry I recite it it is very beautiful and very true to the heart.
so with that I will close yeah I still have allot to say on stigma but you know here is what I will say even though there is allot of stigma out there never stop disclosing never be dishonest about being POS and for those of you who arent POS be safe you are so worth it love your self enough to protect yourself You deserve a life free of this virus. So even though you may be rejected be honest.Even though you are neg always protect yourself.Like my dear friend Maria Mejia say's no HIV iss no longer a death sentance but it is a life sentance many blessings unto all of you I love you all be good be safe be well be loved all day's and everyday .
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
the rantings of me
so much stigma still to this day about HIV. And Gays. so much Hate generated at your fellow man I dont understand why some people are jsut so hateful and selfish . And then you have those who act like or act as if but they make them selves out to be the victem you know what grow up take responsibilty for yourself and your own actions or inactions or inability but dont blame everyone else. You Know what I own my past It is a part of who I am and what I have been through has made me the person I am today, I dont blame anyone for my mistakes yeah I trusted in the wrong people my mistake I know.And yes I have had to ask for help from people and you know what this Is why I dont ask for help I amalways thier scape goat I am always their person that they lash out on and I am always the one who has to forgive cause its allway my fault that they lashed out on me.Noone takes my illness seriously but they love to call me Lazy and a burdon.so you know when I left that last place I was at I thought i was doiing the right thing yet I was the asshole the piece of shit and she told me to leave just leave then Larry she say's and when I do it is fuck you you did me dirty you did me wrong. Oh I never told you to leave I never treated you like that ok fine believe what you want I know the truth I know how you cussed me out for everything everyday and when I ddi everything you cussed me for that too you were never satisfied for anything you treated me like shit period but I was just suppose to take it because you were so graciously letting me live there.
Take a moment step out of your own box and look at just how you really treat others and how when others treat you badly you expect the world to come and fall at your feet and say oh poor you when all you want is sympathy and then as soon as something goes good for anyone else you get pissed off.I am not your puching Bag I am no ones door matt you want me to be this for yo well too bad I deserve better and I will go to where I am loved and cared for where I am respected where I am not expected to exceed my limitations for others. where I can get strong and healthy again.If you dont like it too bad this Is my life and I am taking control of it.
life is full of assholes and liars we know this but I am not one dont treat me like gabage I am a good man I love and bleed just like you do life is full of surprises and you will be surprised by me if you know what to look for I will be there for you always but dont tread on me dont take me for granted I may one day just wake up and say hey I am worth so much more than that and I think everyone should know it and i will turn and walk away from you.
Life is what it is a series of events that lead you to where it is you truly belong and here I am right here right now waiting for love waiting on love loveing myself and living each day in the moment and working through the bad to get to the good each and every single day. I know this one was a bit of a rant but thats how life has been lately so many bad people messing others around including myself and my roomate and we are suppose to just let others walk all over us like we are a door matt not gonna happen and we have eachother i got her back she got mines two good people living co-existing being there for eachother yeah thats what life is all about. It is because of people like us and others that makes everyday a good day and every day a gift dont take the good ones for granted you never know how long we will be around blessings to all of you I love each and everyone of you and you are with me in spirit and i with you everyday
Take a moment step out of your own box and look at just how you really treat others and how when others treat you badly you expect the world to come and fall at your feet and say oh poor you when all you want is sympathy and then as soon as something goes good for anyone else you get pissed off.I am not your puching Bag I am no ones door matt you want me to be this for yo well too bad I deserve better and I will go to where I am loved and cared for where I am respected where I am not expected to exceed my limitations for others. where I can get strong and healthy again.If you dont like it too bad this Is my life and I am taking control of it.
life is full of assholes and liars we know this but I am not one dont treat me like gabage I am a good man I love and bleed just like you do life is full of surprises and you will be surprised by me if you know what to look for I will be there for you always but dont tread on me dont take me for granted I may one day just wake up and say hey I am worth so much more than that and I think everyone should know it and i will turn and walk away from you.
Life is what it is a series of events that lead you to where it is you truly belong and here I am right here right now waiting for love waiting on love loveing myself and living each day in the moment and working through the bad to get to the good each and every single day. I know this one was a bit of a rant but thats how life has been lately so many bad people messing others around including myself and my roomate and we are suppose to just let others walk all over us like we are a door matt not gonna happen and we have eachother i got her back she got mines two good people living co-existing being there for eachother yeah thats what life is all about. It is because of people like us and others that makes everyday a good day and every day a gift dont take the good ones for granted you never know how long we will be around blessings to all of you I love each and everyone of you and you are with me in spirit and i with you everyday
Monday, April 25, 2011
one of them day's
So the last couple of day's have been pretty rough on me. I been hella tired and totally lethargic yeah i just used 2 words that mean excactly the same thing but I am beyond tired.I am so tired of all this I feellike a burden.In fact I have recently been called that. I was also told the the department of social and rehabilitation services in great bend told my roomate that I cant live with her or n her property because i am HIV positive. So how am I suppose to feel about this I just dont care anymore I think if I am homeless it would be better anyway.Ok to update on this I actually moved back to wichita and am living with an amazing friend thank god for her.She is really more like a sister.Again thank God for her I was approved for my disability and will be getting it soon thank Be to my creator for hearing the prayers. I have had it so rough and now life is finally looking better.I will be getting in home care and I get to keep my puppies well my two dogs I have found homes for the pups as soon as they are weened they are going off to theyre prosepective new homes and yes the homes are all good ones to good people they will be loved terribly spoiled and they wont be pets but members of the peoples families the runt of the litter is actually going out of state to a friend who I get a real good feeling from and well I know she will be taken care of.He will probably spoil her terribly lolz but its all good.
I have gotten in to my new place this well its sort of a down stairs apartment and she isnt charging me too much for rent in fact she is going to worry about the rent whne my money comes in which is great but it wont be too much she said you know so thats a good thing. I have talked to some family since i been back and my friends are well im waiting on them to hang out but i think I will wait a while longer till i get over this chest issue that i been having.
I know I have been truly blessed even through my hardships they have just shown me that I am worth more. Being alone is ok too. Most days it is anyway.There was an incedent today and we had to go file a police report but its all good I prayed on it and let it go I smudged myself and let the creator do his work. I vented and people listened I am loved and I am greatful. I am not lazy I know this I am just really truly disabled. And I accept that part of my life.I pray everyday and like when I pray in fact I love my conversations with God they really keep me going.I guess that really is all prayer is a private pesonal conversation with god my creator the grandfather of all.I am taken care of and I always will be. in that I will close this for now I lvoe you all love light and peace unto you mitakuye oyasin we are all related and we are all a part of the never ending Circle of life in that we are all connected good and bad so thank you all may blessings be upon you all and may the creator shine his light in your darkness I will hope to Read your comments soon
I have gotten in to my new place this well its sort of a down stairs apartment and she isnt charging me too much for rent in fact she is going to worry about the rent whne my money comes in which is great but it wont be too much she said you know so thats a good thing. I have talked to some family since i been back and my friends are well im waiting on them to hang out but i think I will wait a while longer till i get over this chest issue that i been having.
I know I have been truly blessed even through my hardships they have just shown me that I am worth more. Being alone is ok too. Most days it is anyway.There was an incedent today and we had to go file a police report but its all good I prayed on it and let it go I smudged myself and let the creator do his work. I vented and people listened I am loved and I am greatful. I am not lazy I know this I am just really truly disabled. And I accept that part of my life.I pray everyday and like when I pray in fact I love my conversations with God they really keep me going.I guess that really is all prayer is a private pesonal conversation with god my creator the grandfather of all.I am taken care of and I always will be. in that I will close this for now I lvoe you all love light and peace unto you mitakuye oyasin we are all related and we are all a part of the never ending Circle of life in that we are all connected good and bad so thank you all may blessings be upon you all and may the creator shine his light in your darkness I will hope to Read your comments soon
Thursday, April 14, 2011
A bad day and a sad day
I have been so tired lately.I went to court today to discuss my disability and well My attorney thinks I have a very good chance. The judge did not say that he thought that I wasn't disabled right then and there he said he would give me a decision after a period of time. My attorney thought that was a very good sign.I am praying to get my disability because I really need the insurance It has been so hard for so long on my body.
I know that for people who do not suffer the way I do think that someone my age is perfectly fine but it is so hard to do what i need to get done even on daily basis. Even Showering is hard some days i cant even lift my hands above my head to wash my own hair.And yeah I know that I am doing great on the HIV side my viral load is undetectable and my cd4 count is great but I am so tired all the time some days I cant even get out of bed and eating god I cant eat hardly anything anymore. Nothing sits well with my system.
And then there is my love life or lack thereof I know I deserve to be loved but I know it will take a very special person to truly love me so i have all but given up on that happening I am just a burden to many people in fact My roommate told me I was nothing but a burden.
I use to be so independent and I use to have so much and now I am lame.I know it is going to be hard it has been for years I have lived like this for so long and I know that my journey will be long and the road will be lonely and I also Know that I will come though this OK. Just because I always do. So for the last week or so I Have been in Wichita I have only seen a couple of people only a very select few have made the effort to see me and I kinda feel as though I am not so loved as I once thought. I know I go through things like this because that life is putting me through what I need to go through in order to survive But I want to do more than survive. I want to live a beautiful life.I want to find someone to marry and to love me and to be with me and only me. I want to find that love that will lift me up when i am down and to pick me up when i fall. I want to have a great quality of life I want to be able to once again travel and live my life to its greatest potential I know I am called to help others and in helping Others I know I will help myself but there is always that something I am lacking. I am left wanting for something more.
It has been over six months since he threw me away and I know he doesn't think about me I know he doesn't care he kept everything and left me with nothing.I know he used me but through it all I was not alone when he was there I was willing to settle with him even when he would tell me he hated me. just so I was not alone. I gave him my all and I got nothing in return. If I could get even half what i give back I would be happy. Is there someone out there who would be willing to love me with all that is wrong with me. Is there someone who would put in the work to be with me. Am I ready for that commitment? I am so scared to fall again and I think it is me holding myself back.
I got my b-12 shot the other day and still I am so tired what does it mean? I have no Idea but it is worrisome. especially the fact that I may be alone through it all . I know I don't want to do this alone But I know I will if I have to. I live this one life and I will fight HIV and the politics that keep underfunding things till the day I die I will fight for more education and I will fight for equal rights for all I believe we all deserve to be Happy hell the constitution even states you have the right to pursue Happiness why cant I why cant we why cant you? Think about it we all have that basic right why should i have less rights than anyone else because I am gay or HIV or native or whatever? Love is the biggest and greatest gift and I deserve it and so does anyone with the courage to be who they are no matter what.
I know that for people who do not suffer the way I do think that someone my age is perfectly fine but it is so hard to do what i need to get done even on daily basis. Even Showering is hard some days i cant even lift my hands above my head to wash my own hair.And yeah I know that I am doing great on the HIV side my viral load is undetectable and my cd4 count is great but I am so tired all the time some days I cant even get out of bed and eating god I cant eat hardly anything anymore. Nothing sits well with my system.
And then there is my love life or lack thereof I know I deserve to be loved but I know it will take a very special person to truly love me so i have all but given up on that happening I am just a burden to many people in fact My roommate told me I was nothing but a burden.
I use to be so independent and I use to have so much and now I am lame.I know it is going to be hard it has been for years I have lived like this for so long and I know that my journey will be long and the road will be lonely and I also Know that I will come though this OK. Just because I always do. So for the last week or so I Have been in Wichita I have only seen a couple of people only a very select few have made the effort to see me and I kinda feel as though I am not so loved as I once thought. I know I go through things like this because that life is putting me through what I need to go through in order to survive But I want to do more than survive. I want to live a beautiful life.I want to find someone to marry and to love me and to be with me and only me. I want to find that love that will lift me up when i am down and to pick me up when i fall. I want to have a great quality of life I want to be able to once again travel and live my life to its greatest potential I know I am called to help others and in helping Others I know I will help myself but there is always that something I am lacking. I am left wanting for something more.
It has been over six months since he threw me away and I know he doesn't think about me I know he doesn't care he kept everything and left me with nothing.I know he used me but through it all I was not alone when he was there I was willing to settle with him even when he would tell me he hated me. just so I was not alone. I gave him my all and I got nothing in return. If I could get even half what i give back I would be happy. Is there someone out there who would be willing to love me with all that is wrong with me. Is there someone who would put in the work to be with me. Am I ready for that commitment? I am so scared to fall again and I think it is me holding myself back.
I got my b-12 shot the other day and still I am so tired what does it mean? I have no Idea but it is worrisome. especially the fact that I may be alone through it all . I know I don't want to do this alone But I know I will if I have to. I live this one life and I will fight HIV and the politics that keep underfunding things till the day I die I will fight for more education and I will fight for equal rights for all I believe we all deserve to be Happy hell the constitution even states you have the right to pursue Happiness why cant I why cant we why cant you? Think about it we all have that basic right why should i have less rights than anyone else because I am gay or HIV or native or whatever? Love is the biggest and greatest gift and I deserve it and so does anyone with the courage to be who they are no matter what.
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