14 years ago

Yesterday was my 14 year anniversary of being diagnosed with HIV I am still here 14 years ago I had no concept of how I would make it through it all.I was 19 and Had heard nothing good to be said of the HIV cocktails at the time I was diagnosed in a time where people were still dying on a regular basis in fact RENT was still on Broadway I went and saw that show and hated it just fucking hated it due to the similarities in my own life I was struggling I was young I was Gay and I was Pos.I didn't want to go on AZT I swore I would never allow myself on HIV meds not as they were anyway. The meds that were currently on the Market at the time were all derivatives of Cancer drugs I knew what cancer drugs did to your body I had been there done that and I didn't want to go back to that . Especially not at 19 and to have to be on it for the rest of my life to literally poison myself like that I wasn't about to do this to myself I had my whole life ahead of me and I was alone in my battle I decided to talk to people inform them about protecting myself i went to the local gay and lesbian safe area for youth and I spoke to kids there about safe sex never have sex with out a condom its your life spiel look at me you would never yadda yadda yadda I did this for years at the Billy De-frank center as a volunteer.I never got paid for speaking i did it because I knew I had too.

I just didn't want anyone else to go through what I was going through an abusive relationship with the guy who had infected me and I stayed with that emotional physical and sexual abuser for 7 long years. I was angry all the time I was like why am I still here I shouldn't be here I should be dead I am not on meds not seeking treatment all I do is talk to kids about safe sex is there a plan for me is that the plan so I began my journey in education 14 years ago all because of that fateful day in doctor Stevens office where his partner in practice took me aside and said Larry we have got to talk. she had advised me of great HIV specialists I said no thank you I like my doctors that I have you guys can treat me here I am not going on meds they are no good anyway I was stubborn and bullheaded and angry and confused I was just 19 years old and had no Idea if i was going to have a future it was tough.People are often times seriously amazed at me and I wonder why because I am nothing out of the ordinary I am not extraordinary I am just your average guy trying to make a difference in the world the only way I know how too. I did Hide my status a while from my family only because I never wanted to worry them I had had friend with AIDS who had died when I was younger and I didn't want to worry my mom and dad that they would out live me a parent should never have to suffer that kind of grief. when I did come out to my family about being Pos they were accepting mom cried and said she was going to wind up burrying another child and i said no I would live not to worry about me my gramma said Now Sandi this is our lil Bum he is a Bender Comes from good strong stock he wont be going anywhere's any time soon.*note to the reader My moms name was Sandi My nickname as a child was Bum and my mother's Maiden name is Bender *

 So getting back to the point of all of this I decided I would do something with my life so I spoke about the affects of HIV on the people infected and the those who love them as well as the affects of the medications and how they can tear someone up real bad. Don't get me wrong I always told the newly diagnosed to seek treatment find a doctor in their area but I would not go on meds I refused it was a decision I had made for my self at the time after i had been HIV pos for some time fat forward to june of 09 I was in the Dr office my HIV specialist yeah I finally had gotten one. She had been talking to me for years about getting on meds and well she took me in the office and sat me down and said Larry I have some bad news your CD-4 levels have dropped down to under 300 we have to face the music now you have to go on HIV meds if you don't want an AIDS diagnosis that was that I could Handle being Pos but having an AIDS diagnosis I could not handle that no way no how and i said well what are the current meds

 14 years ago I couldnt tell you were I would be in a week or a month or six but today I can tell you I am here .