Monday Morning and I am wicked tired

I went to sleep roughly at 1 am woke up roughly at 4 am my meds are really messing with my sleep cycles. The cocktail they have me on for my heart and depression supersedes the sleep aid they have me on and my HIV med. I am on such a multitude of medications for my depression anxiety pain heart and lungs as well as stomach and diabetes that sometimes my sleeping aid doesn't help. Now the Atripla should knock me out on its own but it doesn't so they put me on Ambien and 6 times out of ten that just doesn't work. I try to sleep I take all my pills as directed and I still have issues with my blood being to thick so I am going to look to see if predaxa is on the medicaid formulary cause then I wont need the constant blood work all the time. My insulin has kept my diabetes in check thank god. but there is so much more wrong with me. And the lack of sleep is really bothering me I rarely get a full nights rest and if i get more than 8 hours I am down for 2 to 3 days and then I am up for ever it sucks and I am constantly in pain from my pain disorders the methadone helps to a point but the muscle3 relaxers are barely doing their job either.
 I know living with this chronic illness is so frustrating that's why I wish it on no one.I often times find my self dreaming I wake up and I am HIV free but still have lingering issues I know I have the issues with my health for a reason to help me know compassion for others but do I really have to suffer like this all the damn time. No I don't raise My hands to heaven and curse the creator and I don't beg him to take it all back I suffer so others don't have too and maybe one day there will be a cure for everything I have and I will be completely free if not for me then for someone with similar issues one day I hope you come soon.
  I although wish I could find someone to share my life with and share my experiences with and someone to be with as a companion a lover a friend but as it stands with my health I am often discouraged that I will never find that especially being HIV pos. The biggest thing is I am so open about my HIV status like its the first thing I will make sure people know about me.I know it seems crazy but I feel I need to be 100% honest and upfront from the get go so they know what they might be getting themselves into you know it shouldn't bother people as much especially the fact that I take extra care so as not to infect my partner. its just often hard to find a willing person even a pos person to date but I know one day one day I will find love the real deal and not a compulsive chronic pathological liar like my last ex. Or a total reject which I have dated a few of those as well but I just want someone to love me and make love to me and be ok with it and love doing it I want the passion and the love and intimacy above all else I crave the intimacy of another human being who searches for me in the confines of our bed to share not just my bed or my home but to be my split apart the one that once we find eachother we just fit together.
 Its just so hard to do especially with everything I have and all that I do.I advocate HIV education the more you know and are aware the better prepared you are for it it has been said so many times that although HIV is no longer a death sentence it is a life sentence that's scary for people you know.I could possibly be somebodies life sentence that just doesn't sound too appealing to people you know. I would rather just be someones everything that which they long for and with my virus there is a wall that scares them all away.
Well  I guess I have babbled on long enough today at least I can say I am still here it is Monday October 24th and I am still here and I am still HIV pos till the day they find the cure I will remain here and I will help people cope and come to terms with their diagnosis as well as help others to stay HIV free I pray for an HIV free world its the prayer I pray every day thanks for taking the time to scope my blog I love you all and you could love your self too be safe play safe and be well till next time I am out