Fuck Life I Want it to be over

Constantly feeling beat down and emotionally abused I am sick of being treated like shit because my sisters abusive ex is treating her like dog shit. I cannot support someone who is unwilling to stop allowing someone else to control her via manipulation and hated . then to be talked down to when I ry to help in some way. so fuck it I am looking for a new place to stay as of today i dont want to do this shit with her anymore. I am tired of being overtly hated because I am trying to help when someone doesnt want the fucking help. maybe I might just fucking take a walk and then jump off a fucking bridge no one would miss me because its obvious I dont matter to anyone.Especially not my family.

Trial and Error

   So some of you may not know that I have moved in with my sister to help her with her kids since she got her divorce from her husband. It has been extremely difficult to deal with him in particular especially when it comes to the kids. Its very unfortunate the way he has become. He has grown extremely abusive to every one in my family verbally and has started threatening us with legal actions. well he has not hired any attorney to do whatever he plans to do but lets just talk about last night which is one of many stunts hes pulled;

      Last night he was supposed to come and pick up the girls to take them for the night well at a reasonable hour he decided he could show up at 9:30 on a school night then when I told him they were in bed asleep he said then fine I will tell them good night i said no you wont you will not come in this house he tried to forcibly enter and I stood my ground he backed off and started calling me B.S. names. I am sorry but what man comes at 9:30 at night on a school night to pick up thier kids then wants to wake them up and say good night not one who is in his right mind. ( mind you Ive been seeing a new therapist for the last two months because i realized that this stress was really getting to me and I needed to work on myself to be a better brother to my sister and uncle to her children and not let this type of behavior truly get me out of sorts.) So I spoke to my therapist about this latest of really outlandish episodes of his and it turns out that No I am not in the wrong for not letting him in my house at 9:30 at night that he indeed had no right to show up unannounced and try to come in to get the girls I refuse to let them go in his care when he is like this but he believes that I was in the wrong that he can do what ever he wants that he doesn't have to respect our home but we have to respect his. that we are responsible for the electronics he gets for the girls but hes not even responsible to give the girls their medications as prescribed when they are in his care . thats the kids responsibility. 

     this shit goes on and on and has me stressed as shit on top of all that he sends these hateful e-mails to my sister on an hourly basis he insists on being cruel and hateful to her to attempt to intimidate her and scare her. And he wonders why I want to kick his ass like every ten minutes cause he is just so easy to get along with right but your abusive to my sister bitch that is why I want to beat you to a pulp But i have yet to act on my feelings. thank god I have a lot more patience.

A few months back

So today I spent most of the day in the emergency room but it was not for me my niece was very ill today . Today its been nearly 4 years since i almost lost my life on the operating table in april of 2012 I went in to the hospital because all of my internal organs started to shut down. it was a very harsh and scary experience for both myself and my family. they were so afraid that they were going to lose me that month I was there for quite some time i had multiple surgeries to save my life and I barely made in fact my heart had stopped 30 times and I was legally dead aftger one time when i went over 7 minutes with no blood circulation to my brain. they were afraid that i would be brain damaged but luckily only my memory was affected i lost some of my short term memory and some long term memories I still hhave what  ilke to call my ahah moments where I rememeber somthing from my youth or a memory of my past . I have many flooding emotions as if they are fresh as the day they happend like the day my ex and I broke up. but with the good memories that flood back so too must the sad flood back. with out pain and suffering there can be no compassion I have learned that we must have the bad times in order to appriciate all the good times and the blessings that come our way.
    so with that i will come back to the beggining i took my niece to the er today she had heart pain she is suffering from her current relationship her boyfriend is toying with her emotions playing her like a second rate fiddle and it so fucking frustrating. it causes her heart to hurt and she is broken inside and there is nothing that i c an do except be supportive I took her to a couple of intuitives I know here and they helped her they shed some light on her situation they were loving and kind and caring and gave her constructive projects to teach her self love . my niece you see hace the most radiant smile when she smiles she smiles from her very core from her spirit that light shines through and she can make anyones day better with the flash of her very spiritually beautiful smile. she is one of the most beautiful people on this earth and no its not because i am biased its because it is the truth . No one can light up a room like her. she shines litterally shines with the light of what you might call god or creator but she shines beyone anyone you will ever meet. I like to believe that i had something to do with that because i taught her to shine from her very spirit. even when she is at her darkest her light is so very bright and i showed her how to let it shine through. Of that i am truly grateful .
    when i look back at everything that has happend to all of us its not as bad as others have had it but it left its mark on each of us.

A New Chapter

Well its been quite a while since I have blogged. its mostly because I have a hater in my family who insists on dragging my name through the dirt along with many other peoples names in my family. It's unfair to me and my readers that i feel like I must hide away from my blog my space to hide from her.  So I have decided that I will continue in my blogging journey and will make more posts.
    Living with HIV has not been easy there is a ton of stigma far too much lack of education and far to many people just sweeping HIV under the rug. While HIV is no longer a death sentence it still is a life sentence with the introduction of PrEP Many people have begun to let go of the stigma dating in the HIV pos neg world has gotten easier people are educating themselves and its refreshing . There is still a lack of education in LGBT youth of course because no one wants to hear it at that age. I've been blessed to have many people thank me for my posts about statistics and facts. also about my personal experiences . It is very refreshing when people take the time to read what I have to say and take it seriously .
    I truly believe the more we talk about it with each other our partners our children the more chance of us beating this virus. I refuse to give up the fight even with all my other health conditions I want to be the face of change I want to see an effective cure in the future I want so much to see the end of this virus and continue to live in a world where people respect and love each other. that's all I've got for now..
    Thanks for reading I hope to have more to say in the near future.

Alone forever alone

I have lived this life in a constant ebb and flow I've been a lover of men I've been a lover of women I've never found what I've been looking for. I have lived a solitary life of often sadness but I've never regretted being kind and loving to others until recently. I am terminal and people have taken advantage of this I know that to keep from being hurt by humanity I must keep myself hardened and be free of anything that could bind me to another human being. This is the hardest decision I've ever had too make and that is my curse I am going to be alone until the stars fall and my eternal winter has come this is something I've become complacent with life may be lonely but I won't be hurt again as tears fall from my eyes in my solitude I'll find comfort in knowing that I'll be home soon may people understand that the kindest thing is often the hardest thing.

Death the next great adventure

I've been terminal now for a while I've been wishing for death and the end of my suffering for several months I'm in constant consistent pain. Yet still I am here I cry in agonizing pain every night I silently suffer don't complain yet state the facts. People think that I am just depressed yet the reality is I'll never have a heart transplant because medicaid doesn't cover it the government fought me on my disability in order too make it short term payout if I don't.qualify for the medically nessiserry surgery then I will get disability for the rest.of my life and because even with the surgery I'd still be permanently disabled this is shorter term paying our for a few years verses twenty thirty or more. I'm ready really if the world is so selfish too continue to let people die then help them live I'd rather go home anyway there's nothing here for me I've got no one too love or be with I'm glad to let go and go back into the loving arms of the creator that breathed me into life by giving me a breath and putting me here to see and learn what I have. I am ready now so when he calls me to take that journey he knows I'm ready and unafraid. What awaits is nothing to be afraid of its a glorious awesome and amazingly beautiful place. So when I go don't think it's a bad thing everyday is a good day too die. Death is just a journey through the process of shedding this skin I will be released unto the next world which is more spectacular than anything I can explain.

Not wanting to go on

I've been sick so long life hadn't been easy and I'm still here suffering I consistently get shit in by family and friends nothing I do is ever enough no one takes seriously that I'm dying. I'm tired of the slow painful I decided the other night too attempt suicide I lived I don't want to be here any more it's so fucking hard and I know I'm dying already why can't it just be quick. I'm tired of being in pain I'm tired of hateful people who only think ABOUT themselves I feel like No one cared about me ever. it's time.to.finally just be.done