so this is the reason I haven't posted in so long so I have been praying on whether to post this or not

So its been such a tiring experience I mean really its been truly exhausting this treatments over the last five months have taken so much out of me. Some days I truly wonder is it all worth it sometimes if its all worth it ..It often baffles me how much I go through for this .I am always so tired after these treatments.often times I just get this feeling of utter discouragement as I am so fatigued and then I see the news and what is going on in the world and I feel as though it is such a waste for me to be here shouldn't a good heart go to someone far more worthy ? I don't know life is just so confusing and I have so many conflicted feelings. I have not been blogging because Of a relative who has to continuously stalk me and say vicious and evil things about myself and the rest of my family and all she does is spread filth and lies so why the hell should i keep fighting ? I mean really when my own family is so fucking evil I know her kids are going to be like that kid who shot up that movie theatre in Colorado as fucked up as she is living in a motel these kids have never known anything other than homelessness but she is the stable and sane one in this family both of my sisters I live near own their own homes and I have a very stable living environment I pay my bills with out assistance but I am the fucked up one I don't live in the fantasy of a past she has dreamt up but I am the fucked up one it seems that all there is is jealousy and disloyalty and it tears at my spirit cause she is so blatantly hurtful and evil EVIL yes I have seen the face of EVIL and it is she.. She lacks Loyalty for her family and because she lacks said loyalty my other siblings would not do a damn thing for her and now because of her lies and such like TELLING  PEOPLE I STOLE FROM MY MOM I never took a dime from my moms account that lying bitch needs to get her facts straight I was putting money in my moms account every single paycheck upwards of 500 dollars a check what ever my mom needed I gave her.I took my mom to her dialysis every other day I was up with her at 5 am taking her to her appointments and then to her Chemo who do you think you are to lie like that when you were over a thousand miles away how dare you lie like that you say that you know My ex and I was abusive to him you were in Kansas when I was with him and in Vegas you weren't even around get your facts straight you lying little bitch this is the first time I am letting this out because I am tired of your unwanted viciousness there is so much more like how i robbed your bank account when we were kids and the fact we had a joint account and my checks were direct deposited into the acct and you stole my paycheck more then once and you opened credit accounts when you lived with me in my name and you ruined my credit you are the one who stole my dads credit card number and made illegal purchases against his banking account yet I am the Liar and what did my parents do and tell me to do not take legal action against you for being a thief cause your family. fuck that I should have prosecuted your ass to  the fucking ground you little lying bitch and for the record I have all my paper work from the CDC I have had HIV since before 1998 from date august 5 1998 was my diagnosis you keep telling people I am lying about this for fame you little ungrateful piece of trash I DON'T WANT TO BE FAMOUS FOR HAVING HIV  and if you knew anything you would know that I have HIV not AIDS you say your going to nursing school yet you don't even know the difference between the two, Lord knows your sick you have done nothing but tear this family apart from day one you are ungrateful for anything anyone has ever done for you and as for My aunt Liz who let you live with her rent free and you stole from her and Kenny those are Kenny's words not hers so you are going to call him a liar too . You made your bed I pray your kids get removed and get put into a better home then what you provide for them as they deserve so much better then you as a mother. My sisters take care of their kids and are loyal to their families and you I'm glad your so far away cause if I ever see you again I swear by all that is holy nothing will stop me from ripping your eyes from your head and cutting your tounge out for spreading such filth and hate about my sisters who were there for me while I lye dying in a bed how dare you you ingrate. your cursed because you are evil to others you will never rise above the shit hole and quagmire you live in because you are truly the lowest of the low you are just plain trash and I pity you and whats more I pity your children for having to be your children they are so unfortunate and oh yeah getting married will never make you better than my sisters one of whom has several kids with several different men and the other who has three babies daddy's but you know what their husbands are better men then you will ever have for yourself and my sisters are better than you will ever imagine you could possibly be. your hate is going to do nothing but lead you down a road of disaster.and yeah I'm dying from a birth defect in my heart not AIDS you idiot if you knew anything you would know that ..and this is why I don't blog anymore this is why I stay away this Is why I don't even want to do my treatments anymore cause of the evil in my own family who is she who must not be named why because at least I who tell the truth wont name her and put her on front street like that because i Know so many of the people who she manipulates read my blog and so does she and even though what I write is the truth I wont say her name out of grace because she knows who she is and what lies and deceit she has done and what evil havoc she has wrought onto herself and her children. how you manipulated a man who had had a vasectomy and made him believe Vincent was his son all the while you were cheating on him and then went back to your sons father who impregnated you again and left you again no one will ever help you why because they cant trust you no one in my whole family will so much as let you in their homes...but I am welcome in every ones home I am asked to visit people come from across the country to see me in my family because they love me and I have shown I am a good kind loving person and worthy yet you are nothing but a thief who has unsavory people looking for you I know they came to my house and I let them Know your in FIFE Washington yup you show know loyalty I show none in return when they came looking for you here at my door and at my uncles and cousins doors I told them to let them know your in Washington and to google you and yeah so when your kids get took by the state cause you have this crap going on you probably robbed the wrong person and they want their money back and they aren't using cops or hell it could be the kids dad trying to get his kids back who knows cause you never properly filed custody on them and you forgot their biological dad has legal rights so he could be after you too so yeah good luck with that......
So I debated on if I should post this and Have decided I will its important to clear the air and get these feelings out as I have been slandered more than once by total hate speech yes there is freedom of speech But to blatantly openly publicly print such filth that is called Liable its in print and I have full rights to take full legal action against you for printing in an open forum such filth and lies about me and MY FAMILY which you will never know.You have brought such feelings of angst and animosity into my heart when all any of us ever wanted especially MY MOTHER Not yours since you disowned her and slandered and defamed her character after her death you coward. you don't deserve to call MY PARENTS yours cause you are nothing you are not a member of this family any more you have nothing ever if you ever need anything I mean anything don't contact anyone in MY family EVER .. We will no longer ever help you and your phelpian ways. My the Good Lord Tankasila Love because you have blackened our hearts to you I pray My nephew and Niece will one day be better people then you ever could be Tankasila look after these two innocent children may they not suffer from the abuse of a paranoid schizophrenic mother with serious delusions who refuses to get help Now that said I just had to let it out to let go of it May she be at peace because she has finally hurt far to many of us for too long..