trying to strengthen my self back up slow goes it everyday

So after My whole Ordeal I have found my voice is very week I am trying very hard to strengthen everything in my body once again. It has been a long tough road I am working so very hard at my healing process. I am strong and never knew how much strength I had in me and one day I will be much stronger.So many people are so glad I am still here I am so blessed to be allot of people will know me for my writing allot will know me for who I am allot will have seen me in town or all over the country I cant go anywhere with out knowing someone. That's the beauty of being me. i am grateful that I am who I am and that I have been where I have been even in the darkest places. I know I am loved by my family n friends.so now with all this pretty much past me I will get stronger i am a great candidate for a transplant according to all the doctors now its just a matter of getting on the right insurance.As for my HIV my viral load is undetectable My CD-4 levels are over 900 shit its amazing how well I am doing there I am just amazed my A1C which is my diabetes was like 5.9 which is High normal I mean really I am doing great just a little Pneumonia a little too much for my body at once but I am here I am strong I am alive and I am not going anywhere they said 6 months I say hell no I got my whole life yet.
 I don't know when I am going to be called home I am not scared to be called home not one bit but I am scared that what will happen when I leave here who will continue my personal work I am so very much needed I have grown so much I am just totally amazed my my spiritual growth at my growth as a person I am the Man I am today because I have learned to care more about others than myself. i suffer for those who cannot. I would rather suffer than have someone else suffer.but I believe I have the strength to suffer for those who cannot. I am who I am because of my suffering.I know compassion I know how to love completely with no need for reciprocation.
So I guess that is all for today I have said everything I really can say as I have updated you all on everything now its time for my message.Just for today remember who you are that it is your body keep it strong love your self protect your self all will be as it should be.Walk with me one day and you will know my whole story.

OK So I am at my milronone infusion. this a long hard tough Battle but I do it twice a week its longer than chemo not as long as dialyses but its worth the fight I am a strong warrior I fight to live I live to fight. I help so Many I need to continue to fight to help my journey along. I am loved by so many people I am strong I will continue to be who it is That I am.
  Life is not subjective nor introspective we must all take care of ourselves because in doing so we are taking care of others. we each have a purpose we are here for a reason I know I am no one was truly ready to let me go So I am here I am still fighting the good fight I will be for a long time.
  Life is too short to give up at such a young age so give up I will not I will fight till there is no breath left in me. My strength is not my own it is the strength of my people the blood that runs through these veins is the blood of my people they keep me they keep me strong the eagle keeps me the bear keeps me my mother and father they keep me we are strong and I will be here because of them my family is a strong bloodline, and I wish My mother could see my battle here today and watch me win it I will win it but my other moms are here to watch me beat all the odds I am blessed I am a gift and my Creator he keeps me. so this is going to be a really short post as I am about to get started and people are just blowing up my phone trying to figure out how I am dealing with all this and I am like I am dealing with it one day at a time sometimes that is all one can do...
     Just for today I will listen to the wind and hear my blessed grandfather tell me I am good I am loved I am going to be just fine he knows best. Mitakuye Oyasin

I would like to sit with you for a moment to take a breath to be a friend. I Promote Safe sex I have for years I have every bit of paperwork On my diagnosis since the first time I was diagnosed. I am a longtime survivor of the virus. But I am also a Long time survivor of hate and discrimination. yet I am constantly feeling as though I have to defend Myself and against a member of my own Family. Its time to truly cut all ties she isn't my sister she is a stranger to me this is last time I shall ever allow her free rent in my head she truly hurt me for the very last time and she is in every way dead to me I pray she have a great life but not at my expense not anymore I am done shedding tears for someone who lies with no remorse and justifies her own actions without recourse. I have died and come back I am a walking living breathing miracle but I am Human and will not be treated like I am less than and she is better than I do not deserve this I have been doing my part to contribute and educate and be an advocate now to be treated like I am crap by someone born into my own bloodline no no more.
 I am a good person Or people from all over the world and people from all over would not have come literally to pray over me day in and day out while I was in my Coma. How dare someone call me a liar I never lie whats the damn point in it you always get caught. Life is a blessing we all take for granted yet I am here feeling the need to defend myself no no no more this will happen no more. For someone without even a GED to claim they are working On a BSN then quotes YouTube and other non reputable sites for they're information rather than an actual text book to cite as to what is wrong with everyone else well its laughable the sad thing is people actually believe the crap the lies not many but a few and that's enough. It pisses me off that people have shown up and my aunts and uncles houses looking for this relative she must have really done someone dirty to have people looking up who her relatives are and its kinda scary as well.Its hard to believe we were raised by the same people I turn out to be the man I am today while well we wont go there I pray for you is all i can say I'm done ever thinking we could be friends when every word that comes out of you is dripping with disdain and lies when your venomous and heartless at least I can Say I have a heart because I just had several surgeries on mine and people prayed for it to start working again people prayed I could breathe on my own again thousands of people litter ally so I know I am loved I have been hurt so much but i will never let you hurt me or my sisters again enough is enough I will not mention your name I know you stalk my blog I know you do your just that way but you know I have a better reason as to why I stopped blogging I wasn't going to fake school I wasn't lying to people I was in a Coma Fighting for my life and I am here and everyone is glad I am here my brain took a hit a hard one my heart my kidneys every single one of my organs I now have a pacemaker defibrillator in my chest but I am here and I have true people who love me so much they stayed with me round the clock praying for me or in the lobby or waiting rooms and even when the doctors were giving up they didn't they prayed over me they prayed for me they cried and said I am not ready to let you go Brother nephew friend I am here I love you please please stay with me I need you and I know you don't know that feeling why because you have never been there where you have people who really care for you that much to be at your side 24 hours a day if you rally needed them I have good friends and great sisters who never left me not for a second my little sister when she thought I wasn't going to make it she got so depressed but i came through and she kept going that's a sister someone who is there for you 24 hours a day if you need them they don't make up stories they love you unconditionally and that's why I have to let you go forever because you will never ever be that I let my love for you go I release you to no longer be my relation I will live on without you I have real family that loves me more than you ever could love anyone other than yourself yet I am the crazy one id rather be crazy that a Liar...
   Now as for today's message let those people go that are hurtful let those people go who want to do you harm love yourself more than anything and love will come to you in droves and never ever take anything for granted life is too precious a gift. Your body your decision make the right one Use a condom every time all it takes is one.. many blessings to you all mitakuye Oyasin 

Life as I see it

So I was in the Hospital for the last three weeks I had people from the world over Praying for me I had people come in round the clock to pray for me I was so blessed I am so blessed I have a good long life ahead of me I will be here A long long time. It was touch and go it wasn't nothing to do with my HIV it was my heart I have such a myriad of health issues well with my health issues and all i am going to be just fine I found out just how strong I am and how strong my Family is they prayed they needed strength for me and they found it within themselves through the creator you don't know how strong you are till you need strength you never though you had I have been here 34 years and by god I got through some really rough shit never once knowing that I could actually get through it. But I have managed every time they say I am a survivor no I'm not ready to go no where yet. and some people aren't ready for me to go yet so well as long as I am needed I am going wind up being here. So many people look for love like romantic love so much all the time well I haven't looked for that in years I don't need it. I got the best people in the world I got family friends amazing people in my life I got love I am not alone I am here I am strong I am healthy I am all that I am period and I am grateful for that which I have .Love the romantic kind isn't any damn thing i really need not now not ever I got more love in my life than I know what to do with trust I am gifted with nothing but Love.people don't know the blessings I have I have been so utterly blessed in my life that I know there  is no way I need anything else if it happens then it does ill be doubly and triply blessed.
 So for those people who have doubted in the past me and my strength my religious views or anything our ways are strong our people stronger they wouldn't let me go love is a powerful thing you need to know about and just how powerful love is its the most precious gift one can give my people showed tremendous love and support and prayed from all over to tell the truth you don't need physical locality to be there its a presence that is in the heart and the people who love me were with me in some way small or large there is the presence of those special people who love you more than anything .
so I have been on and off the phone today trying to figure a few things out I can tell you that I am doing what I always do thinking of others before myself why because that is who i am and will always be life is one amazing process I am going to be here a very goods long time and I can say allot of good things about so many people. In fact as its going to be a while till i can drive again I gifted my vehicle to my Aunt who really needs one. So as for being a saint no Ill never be that but a good person yeah that's something I can claim I am. I have spent a good deal of my life helping others and I will continue to do so every day of my life I will not take people and things for granted I will continue to live life to the very fullest and I will know that I have angles on my side life is not about self its about how you can benefit this world how you can continue to make it a better place for future generations as we do not inherit this earth from our ancestors but borrow it from our Children. so each day and every day I will be a good Child to my moms and aunts and family and I will be a good uncle to my nephew's nd nieces I will continue to be the good person I am for the rest of my life and if people can not handle my honesty my verver my good heart then screw them because this life is far too short to take anyone or anything for granted.

So today is canada's Pink Shirtday SO I am going to wear a pink shirt for canada here is my short post going to spend time with my support network my family

Its been a while allot has Been Going on

So well i thought I would post its been some time and so much has happend. I have been dealing with allot. I lost some family members recently. I have had new family members come into the world. I celebrated my sisters wedding which was amazing. I was in the hospital. all in the course of the last month and a half. Its been Life. It just Happens you know. People ask me sometimes things like what do you do now that your Positive? Sometimes I want to say um I live. Life goes on no matter what if your HIV pos or not. But i just say the truth i have been pos so long that it really is just one of those things that yeah I live with it we are here for the duration and well its like this I am here i am Pos like it or not take me for who I am not what I have. i mean really is it so hard to answer that question? yes and no. Cause I do I just live I often forget that some people dont know about my status cause I am so Open about it I assume everyone does.I have not even been concerned about My HIV I am more concerned about my diabetes my heart my asthma and things like that.
So yeah here is what happend with my hospital dealio I couldn't breath I felt like it was my asthma acting up real bad its how it starts everytime. I knew what it was I just was in denial and I hate the hospital. So I come out and say sis I need to go to the hospital I cant breathe I know its pneumonia. She is like your just having an asthma atack I am like no its pneumonia no ifs ands or buts so she is like do you want me to wait I am like nope just drop me off cause they will admit me guaranteed. and sure enough it was pneumonia. I was admitted. Then to top it off I had another attack of CHF and Tachycardia with RVR and then once I got to my floor omg new residents god I hate New residents i dont like change and Doctors that dont know me piss me off they did all kinds of test saying they thought the ER doctors were wrong and I said OMG R U SERIOUS.. they were like what I said I have been dealing with this for so long I know whats what.. This isnt my first walk in the Park I knew what it was before I even came I know its tahc I know its CHF I KNOW ITS PNEUMONIA. They were like how do you know I said look I know you went to school and all but trust me I know what I am talking about I get Pneumonia 4 times a year and have since I was 4 I get attacks of CHF and Tach and have forever I know what it feels like they took fucking arterial blood Do you have any clue how much that shit hurts? yeah they ran troponin tests they ran an Echo 2D they did every expensive test possible I was like what the hell they said we have to rule all this out I said No you dont. It is what it is. Do you know what its like to argue with a fucking doctor fresh out of school oh god yeah I wasnt happy... not one bit...
So then with every thing I am totally freaked of Course due to well no meds and wll but yeah read this and watch the Vid trust me its crazy but yeah I love you I am living its going to be ok life happens man Life happens ...

First Video Blog here is the New media

OK today I decided to ramble a bit on camera on my Hiv pos you tube Channel here is the link and hopefully Video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0keVs7pjWBY I am really Passionate So here it is please take a bit of time on my Ramblings I know it seems totally random but if you follow my Blog you Know I am random this is a start of many they will get better over time everything does thanks for reading and watching