Today is a bad day I wish for the better ones

I am always saying some day's are better than others.Today Its  a pretty bad day for my pain and my body.I have a new symptom something that i have never had before.A huge and very Painful Knot on my butt cheek the doctor thinks its a cyst great.so i have to call and get in to see a physician here in GB asap. Like that is very likely .Still no insurance no disability nothing I am at my whits end.It hurts to move. It hurts to sit my asthma is acting up i cant hardly breath.Hell My lungs feel like they are on fire and whats worse is nothing is helping.I wish I were healthy instead of chronically sick.and oh yeah Ive got another yeast infection. This living Pos isn't easy but at least i am alive.and I found out that the people i live with get chronic mrsa like i need that in my life really.I hate being in constant pain i really do i hate going to the hospital i hate it when people act like because i look healthy i am healthy what goes on inside isn't easy its hard.Very hard .But i just have to deal with it Ive spent so much time of my life that last ten years I have spent literally in the hospital so much I am on first name basis with the entire er staff .492 er visits in the last 10 years 269 hospital stays for more than a week at a time and 110 hospital stays for three days at a time. But the federal government says i am perfectly healthy when you get admitted to the hospital for 39 days how is that healthy.for the last three years i have spent 8 months of every year physically in the hospital now that is just ridiculous. I wish that things would get better I really do I cry so often because its so hard to cope at times.But i am here I am alive and for that i am grateful i really am.I know things will get better but its when will they get better i wish I had somewhere to go that i could be physically and emotionally and spiritually happy cause where i am at this time its hard.But i cant complain i have a roof over my head and food in my stomach when i need it I just wish things would get better soon.have you ever felt like you have no where to go?Have ever been on the streets with out even a dime in your pocket?that's where i am at right now.If it were not for Leesa I would be homeless.But i cant take all the criticism everything i do is completely wrong i could clean the whole house for her and it wouldn't be good enough. I know she has ocd but damn it when i do anything its always wrong in her eyes and she wonders why i feel like not doing anything at all.and i feel like I cant talk to her and I am having serious memory issues i cant remember simple things any more i feel like a damn retard any more i feel as though i am losing my identity and well these kids of hers always so fucking rude and hateful will i start to become like them from the exposure.I have tried so hard to stay on a healthy loving healing and spiritual path its just so hard when you constantly bombarded with malice hate envy and downright negativity.If I had money right now i would move far far away and just get on my feet but till i get either healthy enough to go back to work or get my disability i am stuck.and i guess I'm stressed to because i am single with no one to really love me well at least not the way i feel i need to be loved but who really understands that not many people do any more well i Gus that is all for now later days .Peace Love and Frybread Grease