Sort of Sworn Off guys altogether

I know it sounds ridiculous but after my last couple of relationships i feel like well I am just not one to have one.I am not one of those few lucky ones who will find a relationship that lasts until the stars fall.I look to my whats that word roll models like my parents they were together for like a million years before my dad died.And I am sorry that bullshit that gay years are longer and relationships in the gay world just wont last well it a crock because My aunt was with her wife for like forty years so yeah it may not be the norm but they can last I don't care what people say.I think its today's view on relationships period once it gets hard people fu@#^&$ run to the damn hills.Well I am tired of shisty men who run at the first sign of trouble yeah I got Baggage and well its a burden but who in the Sam hell doesn't I am HIV pos does that mean i don't deserve love and understanding? Rhetorical question duh.And Yeah I suffer from Diabetes and heart disease and a multitude of other health issues but I deserve love like everyone else I am just not lucky.I know life isn't easy I know love takes work but why is it that everytime i am in a relationship its 80 20 and i am always the one putting out the 80. what the hell ever happened to equal partners. Yeah I am moody and dysfunctional at times but hell i am depressed and with good reason its not like i have diagnosed depression i am depressed for a valid reason hell i got health problems and every time i go to the doctor they say oh well this is acting up or that is acting up you should be admitted to the hospital how would you feel if you spent 8 months literally 8 months out of every year in the hospital seriously tell me you wouldn't be depressed and i will show you a liar.Not to say that everyone is a liar but there is no one in this world that can live like that and be happy.and yeah life isn't easy Mine is far from it.and if you were me and been through the hell i been through you would feel the same. I have an open mind and I love people all people equally but i am kind of shy of being in a relationship and for crying out loud really I don't miss the sex.Yeah yeah yeah your calling me crazy right now but I don't miss it not one bit.and you know if you were me you would feel the same and if you went through what I've gone though i think you would feel the same way too.Its times like this that I really wish My parents were still alive but like i said life is not easy I've had to really live and go through allot without them for a while now and you know its hard but i am still here.I wish people really understood how much they really need positive influences in they're lives and you know my sister's would disagree but my parents were a very positive influence in my life maybe they weren't for them but they were always there for me when i needed them.Hell here i go rambling again well hey that's life I am off to bed i guess gotta love it Life in the fast lane got me where i am today and i wonder if that is a good thing.No man no home living in a camper on my friends property and Missing my family with baggage to make anyone run I guess I am not the lucky one no not the lucky one at all.