A bad day and a sad day

I have been so tired lately.I went to court today to discuss my disability and well My attorney thinks I have a very good chance. The judge did not say that he thought that I wasn't disabled right then and there he said he would give me a decision  after a period of time. My attorney thought that was a very good sign.I am praying to get my disability because I really need the insurance It has been so hard for so long on my body.
 I know that for people who do not suffer the way I do think that someone my age is perfectly fine but it is so hard to do what i need to get done even on  daily basis. Even Showering is hard some days i cant even lift my hands above my head to wash my own hair.And yeah I know that I am doing great on the HIV side my viral load is undetectable and my cd4 count is great but I am so tired all the time some days I cant even get out of bed and eating god I cant eat hardly anything anymore. Nothing sits well with my system.
And then there is my love life or lack thereof I know I deserve to be loved but I know it will take a very special person to truly love me so i have all but given up on that happening I am just a burden to many people in fact My roommate told me I was nothing but a burden.
 I use to be so independent and I use to have so much and now I am lame.I know it is going to be hard it has been for years I have lived like this for so long and I know that my journey will be long and the road will be lonely and I also Know that I will come though this OK. Just because I always do. So for the last week or so I Have been in Wichita I have only seen a couple of people only a very select few have made the effort to see me and I kinda feel as though I am not so loved as I once thought. I know I go through things like this because that life is putting me through what I need to go through in order to survive But I want to do more than survive. I want to live a beautiful life.I want to find someone to marry and to love me and to be with me and only me. I want to find that love that will lift me up when i am down and to pick me up when i fall. I want to have a great quality of life I want to be able to once again travel and live my life to its greatest potential I  know I am called to help others and in helping Others I know I will help myself but there is always that something I am lacking. I am left wanting for something more.
 It has been over six months since he threw me away and I know he doesn't think about me I know he doesn't care he kept everything and left me with nothing.I know he used me but through it all I was not alone when he was there I was willing to settle with him even when he would tell me he hated me. just so I was not alone. I gave him my all and I got nothing in return. If I could get even half what i give back I would be happy. Is there someone out there who would be willing to love me with all that is wrong with me. Is there someone who would put in the work to be with me. Am I ready for that commitment? I am so scared to fall again and I think it is me holding myself back.
 I got my b-12 shot the other day and still I am so tired what does it mean? I have no Idea but it is worrisome. especially the fact that I may be alone through it all . I know I don't want to do this alone But I know I will if I have to. I live this one life and I will fight HIV and the politics that keep underfunding things till the day I die I will fight for more education and I will fight for equal rights for all I believe we all deserve to be Happy hell the constitution even states you have the right to pursue Happiness why cant I why cant we why cant you? Think about it we all have that basic right why should i have less rights than anyone else because I am gay or HIV or native or whatever? Love is the biggest and greatest gift and I deserve it and so does anyone with the courage to be who they are no matter what.