just another morning in my life

Ok so here is the  deal I am having issues with sleep allot of the time I don't dream one of the side effects of my medication is that I will have vibrant dreams well I don't have that at all ok erm, allot of the time I just fall into a black abyss this is why I stay away from the sleep state I can say though I have had allot of memory issues but I don't know if its due to my meds or not and the imbalances in my well my Bm's man some days it really sucks one day or for sometimes three days I cant go and then there are days when I am on the pot for like days on end I hate it.But no one ever said that life was ever going to be easy and you know the thing is that its never easy with any kind of chronic illness and that's what HIV is a chronic illness its just some days are better than others you know what I mean.
 So I was suppose to go to the doctors today or so I thought lmao funny thing my appointment is the 15th god my brain I really someday just cant believe all the crap I go through internally externally uuurrrrrgggg well I am just going to have well just be ok with it accept it and keep moving forward its not like I have much choice but to make the best of the situation and be grateful for each new day you know what saying I know sometimes it seems as though I ma complaining but I am not I am venting if anything you know i am telling it like it is this is life with HIV there is no getting out of it its my life If I am going to live I have to keep going like this. I know I will never give in or give up that's for sure I don't quit that easy.so Here I am back in bed just laying here working on the blog wondering does it get better will the loneliness go away I am sure it will life always gets better doesn't it I just have to keep going to know for sure don't I ?
 I was talking to god last night and I said "Creator I will make you no bargains I will not give you an ultimatum but here is what I will do I will keep living when I rise in the morning I will pour my tobacco and say a prayer for the ones who cant i will keep going I will keep moving forward I will keep living i will not give in or give up I will be strong not because your going to take this from me but because these are just the trials I must get through and keep serving the community and our youth for you". I never receive answer's but I get the feeling i am doing the right thing for the creator.
I know this is my life to have these struggles and to keep going to build strength of my spirit through moving forward in this world with the troubles and with the struggles we all stumble but most of us have someone to help pick us up in some way or other and i have so many people that are here that pick me up every single day and for that I am grateful. I have been asked how did you feel when you found out you were HIV pos and honestly I can say i accepted it and I just kept moving forward. Life was never going to be easy for me it was never meant to be easy the roads I was meant to travel were always meant to be my own and I was always meant to stumble and fall so that the Creator could send people into my life to help pick me up and it is my job to let them and to be grateful for it.
I think Red Jumpsuit Apparatus has it right when they sing " I will never let you fall" in guardian angel that song reminds me of my life because I have had so many guardian angels in my life and I have been so blessed that all I can be is grateful even with everything all my struggles I am grateful.