Reflecting on my past the good and bad From yesterday I have reached today

So I am starting this one right after my last post I am going to start getting really into my past.I have loved allot in my life.Friends Family and I have had my share of lovers.I have suffered through addiction and co dependency.I have also suffered Loss.I have suffered the loss of friends and dear friends some i loved dearly.A few years ago I lost a dear friend he shot himself in the head I was so lost i did not know why my friend killed himself he was so full of life so talented so fun loving he was a great friend.He did not have the support i did i found out later his family thought they could send him to this place and it would make him no longer GAY.I thought to myself I am very lucky. later that same year My lover of four years left me that was a loss that was so hard for me to bear to be tossed aside like i was yesterdays refuse.Ive been knocked on my ass a few times in my life I've lost love and life the life of another friend was cut short on September 5th 2006 He was murdered it is a day that will remain in my mind till the day that i die See I found his bloody body.through all this I have come to terms with my chronic illness HIV Diabetes Lupus ms fibromyalgia mitralfibrosys and several other issues too long to list.On the outside i look quite healthy thanks to the steroids and healthy diet and all the pills i take.but appearances are just that appearances.everything is deceiving on the outside i look healthy on the inside I'm all messed up but I am blessed with people who love and support me and people who are here for me when i struggle I could not ask for more.I know I am Ill but I am not my Illness I've said before i live with it but it is not me it does not define me I am fighting it and i will beat it If any one in the world can beat what Ive got it will be me.I have never passed the virus to anyone else,I have had several relation ship with neg guys and they are all very much still neg.I have tried my best.i Will never give this to anyone that is my vow.I'm going to stop for now and save this till a later date but I will continue my story I promise.Ok so today I want to talk about how although i have suffered i have survived.I remember my first lover and how that relationship was not at all healthy.I want people to know that even though i struggled for almost six years I grew from this experience.I know now that when i was there i was in a very very dark place and I was able to get out I don't want people to feel like i did back then if you are hurting because of some one you are with you need to get out of that.i have been through such a time in my life i know we all have we all can get through it if i can so can everyone.I have survived for 14 years with this virus i am here and so can everyone who is in my situation we can persevere and love again and for those who are young please be safe it is your life that you put in the hands of another.you are worth so much look at how far that i have come you can be so much more.we constantly grow into the most wonderful beings in all of creation.My sister tells me all the time i am an amazing person i thank god for her everyday.Yeah i have been through some rough spots nothing notable to me n all but you know others see what you go through and they can be amazed when we are hey that's just life others are like wow how do you do it.for each of us life has its trials and for each of us we find coping mechanisms.and i have had good people to lean on and just plain be there for me and boy do i know how blessed i am.I have lost both my parents both sets of grand parent cousins and friends life has not always been easy but i have grown from each experience.And i know that there are places Ive been that have been very dark but i found the light again and i know all of us can do it.
Life has always been a little harder for me i guess but I know i am where i am suppose to be.I have had friends who have been through similar situations and have become very embittered I am glad i have grown into the person i am today. I often try to help others that aren't ready for change so I guess that's why i am here people can take it or leave it they can do as i have done and move on and forgive those who have done wrong unto them or they can suffer. we all do what we feel we need to to get on in our lives and well we grow at our own pace spiritually physically it all a matter of time.And yes time does heal all wounds even those very painful wounds.something that I learned with the passing of many people in my life.
 Let's do some back tracking now.I met the ex who gave me HIV in 1996. I contracted the virus and was diagnosed a couple of years after we had been together.I thought originally why me there were words exchanged.i stayed with him.He told me things like your not that cute and no one is going to want to be with you now your infected.I believed him you see i never thought very highly of myself.After 911 I thought to myself i need a change i called my parents and worked out a plan.They were supportive. So after another year of procrastination I packed up my car and made the 1669 mile drive from San Jose California to Wichita Kansas. Three and a half days on the open road and All could think was I'm Free I am finally free.But i wasn't quite yet free.my ex called me up and tried to work things out we tryed the long distance thing and it worked for a while because we didn't see each other everyday but things eventually went back to him being emotionally abusive.So i just stopped taking his calls and moved on.I met a great guy after that.but we were incompatible I think  A large part of it was my former abuse and I just could never be for him what he needed and i could never be you know what I mean I just wasn't at the point in my life where I could be stable for this wonderful man.The first year was so hard I lost my father and two friends and I just slipped into a depression.He couldn't help me but he tried Like i said he was a truly wonderful man and I am truly grateful to him for all he tried to do And i am so sorry that i wasn't a good person at that point.I was so very messed up in my head but i know I loved him very much and he would not have suffered through ME for 4and 1/2 years if he didn't love me.I stayed single for four years I needed me time and you know what 4 years wasn't enough I got with my last ex last Feb and well that didn't work out i wanted so much for it too but he was no where near ready for real commitment.and He did not love me the way I wanted or needed and my health was way too much for him to handle I know it will be a very special Man who will be able to be with me but it will come one day i know it. So i have sworn off relationships and men for a while I need my special reflection time I have had so many new diagnosis and so much to deal with internally that this is just got to be about me I have to work on Larry. I realize that if I am going to be the Man That I want to be for the Man that will eventually love me I must do some very hard work and I must find out who i am where my mind is and how to be that Man that I was always intended to be.
  Though it is lonely i know it wont always be, this is a road less travelled but i must travel it,not just for myself but for the people who love me and who will love me through it all.I have found a great support network people whom talk to me almost everyday and care genuinely care for who i am now who i am becoming and who I was truly meant to be.These people support me in ways so unexpectedly and they don't even know all that it is they do for me just being there for me.And I know that without them I would not be at this wondrous point of my life.yeah I still suffer from depression but no where near as bad as I use too but i have come to terms with allot in these last few months of introspect and reflection. If i can teach some one just one lesson it is take the time for yourself to find you find out just who it is you are inside because until you do you can never share yourself with another whole heartedly and I know what everyone wants is not just lust but love you cant have that until you love yourself and to love your self you have to know yourself.Don't rush it let it come to you gradually find yourself because it does get better I promise you it does you don't have to go through what i have gone through you can take a less traveled path and find yourself first know who you are what you are looking for you can find Love the love that we all seek the love of our creator/God the love of self and above all the love of others.and once you know just who you are it will be so easy and beautiful.take a damn good long hard look at yourself and say I love you and i can be better than i was once.you will find solace and peace and you will eventually find you the beautiful person that you are look at me I'm not even halfway there but I am still working and i know i will be better if I can do this so can each of you.