What It means To be Native Two Spirit And Living with HIV

As an Urban gay Native I am not trying to to get anything extra no new rights I am trying to re-claim the rights the honors that my people had Prior to European colonization.This is what the Two Spirit Movement is all about re-claiming what we lost taking our places (taking my place) our right full places as educators and such me sharing my HIV story and trying to help keep our youth from contracting this Virus.Trying to break the stigma that it is only a white or black disease that it doesn't affect the red man. Trying to break the fear and stigma and teach knowledge about the truth.You see traditionally Two Spirit People were people who were looked on my the tribe as educators mediators Marriage counselor's gender Identity was looked at by what role you had in the tribe if you exhibited both gender roles you were both it wasn't what you were born with but who you were it wasn't looked down upon it was respected.

Our Elders tell us of people who were gifted among all beings because they carried two spirits, that of male and female. It is told that women engaged in tribal warfare and married other women, as there were men who married other men. These individuals were looked upon as a third and fourth gender in many cases and in almost all cultures they were honoured and revered. Two-spirit people were often the visionaries, the healers, the medicine people, the nannies of orphans, the care givers (Roscoe 1988). They were respected as fundamental components of our ancient culture and societies. This is our guiding force as well as our source of strength. This is the heart of Two-Spirited People of the 1st Nations (2 Spirit Nation of Ontario) This paper explores what we know of the past of two-spirit people, compares that to the present experience and looks forward to the role that two-spirit people could play in the future of First Nation's people in Canada and across North America.

It was often said that two spirited people gave Names Kept sacred grounds and taught the traditions and such.Today being Gay Urban and HIV positive I have a role to play I educate people about this virus. I feel it is my duty to my people.It is hard to be open about my HIV status and well it makes for difficult times finding anything more than a one night stand allot of the time but I feel one day I may be lucky in the love department.And until then I always have my speaking.I am one of very few Natives who is publicly out about their HIV status and I am proud to go out and educate.It is scary to for us to be out it means that we have to face the truth we have to be honest with ourselves about what we have.Not only that it means we can no longer live in denial that we are pos. I understand why people wouldn't be publicly out about they're HIV status.I do really.I also do not judge those who cant yet be that way.I am who I am and will speak out and share how this virus affects me each and every day.This is my roll to fill My part to play.This Virus is my burden not anyone Else's.So I bear the load and try to keep those out there who are not positive negative and to educate the newly diagnosed to take care of them selves properly.

No I do not try to recruit the newly diagnosed to speak that is not ho wit works.I do although try to comfort them and help them find the resources in their area's.in some cases it is a mouse click away in others its hard work finding the resources.In all cases it is rewarding to help people who truly need the help. The small part I play is a beautiful gift to me.

So although today being a two spirit person is not the same as it was in the day's prior to colonization, but it still has its place.We are still strong people we are still honored we still have parts to play and we still do what is best for the tribe as a whole.

I am blessed to Be native and Two spirit.Many people in white society throw us away they toss their own children out and that's just for being gay hell some even tell their kids they should go get AIDS and die.And for those young people who get tossed out well often times it leads to the streets where you do anything to survive and yes they go home infected and their own families still shun them.For those it is to Me sadder for the families who shun their children.Why you might ask? Because they are wasteful and they do not know how blessed they are to have that beautiful person spirit in their family. As Joe Medicine Crow, a Crow traditionalist, told Walter Williams, “We don’t waste people the way white society does. Every person has their gift.”And Many people today forget that all too often that not only does every person Have their gift but every person is a gift.

and remember Protect yourself stay negative if your negative and if your positive ask questions find a good doctor get treatment as soon as you can.And above all else remember your beautiful your are loved you are perfect the way you were Made there is nothing wrong with who you are nothing at all.And for those of you who get bullied remember your stronger than you know and it will get better everyday. 
Mitakuye O'yasin Aho 

Memorial Day What excactly does this day mean

Among Many people we get together and celebrate our families those we have lost along the way in memoriam.But today I would Like to remind You of all the people who died in service of this country in the days before Natives were recognized as citizens and even recognized as people there were Warriors strong and fierce who died protecting our people there were two spirit emissaries who died in service of their tribes there were code talkers who Died in service of a country who did not appreciate them there were people in this country who Have died along the way to fight for you and for me.Today I am grateful for the lives lost for our people all our people all my relations thank you creator for everything you have blessed me with in this turbulent time a family that has brought honor to its people my relations who serve this country with no questions asked.these are the true hero's of our world they fight so I can speak of peace so I can teach about my illness so that I may live without fear.To all the warriors out there the people who serve and those who die for this land and our freedom I give you a prayer I lay down tobacco for your spirit to reach the creator for those long gone to have found home with the creator to find peace for those still serving and fighting I pray for a safe homecoming's come home to us men womyn we need you here you are not forgotten I pray for you I honor you I am here for you when you return I will celebrate and be joyful if you do not i will be solemn and grateful You are our hero's I will never forget your service and I thank you I applaud you you are my hero and I am grateful.
I know we are celebrating today it is a holiday but teach your children to honor those who fell and those who serve their sacrifice is so great often times they are leaving loving families to protect us all. with out them our country would not be great this nation would fall our true Ideals would suffer and for the politicians who fight for our freedoms rights and educations they are our warriors too Ponka-We I am talking about you I hope you see this I know you will President Obama I am talking about you I hope you see this I pray for you all out there fighting for our rights giving us freedoms you are hero's too god bless our soldiers god bless our politicians god bless our president and A side note for you First Lady thank you for being the rock your husband needs being his grounding force his guiding light you and your children god bless you all for taking care of our nation for the families of the fallen Thank you is not enough your sacrifice was ultimate you have paid the ultimate price I for one am beyond Grateful you are warriors of the heart and spirit I don't have words to express what I want to say to you I humble myself to you and pray you know my meaning but thank you is all I can say with tears rolling down my face Thank you. For you men and womyn Serving with out question you are the greatest of all Americans you are doing what I only wish I could God bless you and god speed your journey back here I pray for all of the people serving this great nation.And for all the educators out there trying to educate the children those who have molded the young minds for generations and those molding our youth's minds today Thank you your service is uncountable what You DO is a service beyond compare with out you we would not have the soldiers today thank you all police firemen doctors educators soldiers you are our true source of power in this nation thank you all very much from the bottom of my heart.
A'ho Mitakuye O'yasin

the weekend Is Here!!!

So the weekend Is finally here.It was great To start I was picked up by my sister and we got some movie and children time.So this Past week has been Full of events Osama Bin-Laden Obama Geronimo the debates about everything. And so tomorrow we commemorate our mother's. I was trying to figure out how to write about this.Well I would Like to commemorate my sisters and my sister's in law's my aunts and Cousins grandmother's those special womyns in our lives that are special to us.
Allot of times we forget how precious life is how much we take the ones we love for granted.It is truly saddening that we forget that life is a gift and those we share it with is a gift.I don't know how long I will be around let alone how long someone I love will be here to share this beautiful time with. I believe that one day I will fade away into the next place I will make my journey then.Life Is fleeting when you have a special person in your life be it a relative or lover make sure that you let them know you appreciate them everyday.Thank god everyday for those wonderful people in your life.
I know many times I took my parents for granted and i really wish that I had not.I am grateful now and forever to them they are still teaching me from beyond they are with me always I know this now and forever.
To Update I started this post a few weeks ago I didn't know how or even what to write, and of late I am called to write my Gratitude's.I know this week has been chock full of things sad things angry things hateful things hurtful things,But the good things have been truly lacking somehow.It seems that I have let the anger and malice the malignity's in with out thinking about it in fact I forgot for A minute what I am grateful for.Today I am Going To Share exactly what I am grateful for.I am grateful For my health I ma grateful for my family I am grateful for the people in my life who love me.I am grateful for my creator I am grateful for my parents I am grateful to be here this new day this beautiful day I am grateful for the gift of life which all to often many of us take for granted.
So yeah without my parents I wouldn't be here today.with out my loved ones I wouldn't have the strength to keep on going.Oftentimes I forget to be grateful for the very gifts that I have right before my eye's.I have many brother's and sister's who love me who are there for me both biologically and in the Indian way and for this I am truly grateful.I have been truly blessed in my life.Often times I find myself dwelling on the bad on the venom spewed about me or others I love this I can not do I have to let go and let god.I must remember what I am grateful for I must keep my strength and remember what I am here for.I never intended for this Blog to be about me venting anger spewing forth hate I have always intended to Just show my Life how I deal with My virus.How I live each day everyday with my virus.to help others to see the reality of the virus.to see that life with the virus is real and hard and harsh to keep others safe and to help to give hope to the newly diagnosed there is always hope for everyone no matter what we think.
one thing that Many of us forget is we have the choice to be hateful and unforgiving it is our choice to dwell on malice and malignity's.this week many good things have happened to supersede the bad My friends had a baby  i got to spend time with my family and as much as I miss them I know my parents are still with me watching over me always.I am not perfect I have made many mistakes but I know there is a lesson in everything that I go through its all about seeing the lesson and learning from it.Many times in my life I ignored these very words from my parents now I often find myself hearing their very words and in the voices of my parents.
I was given allot of good advise from my parents and for that I am very grateful. there are also many people today in my life who remind me that not only am I blessed but that I myself am a blessing to them.In fact a good person who is very much like family to me I saw a couple weeks ago at the pow wow I saw here and gave her a big hug and she embraced me and said You are a true blessing a light. I will never forget those words. I keep doing what I do because of not in spite of the fact that I am chronically ill.I keep my faith I continue to go to lodge and pray for those who need it more than Myself.Blessings come in many forms and many ways and I will take them I will honor them I will be grateful for them.
With out the blessings that I do have I know very much that I would not be healthy today.The blessings of my family extended and otherwise.My nephew's and nieces who give me strength when they so much as smile n tell me they love me when they run up too me screaming uncle uncle uncle LARRY and wrap their arms around me giving me such love and embracing me so fiercely this is a gift that you can not imagine.
As I said I have much to be grateful for and I know my mom would remind me of that were she here today I know How blessed I am and I thank everyone in my life all of you keep me going each and everyday my blessings are truly countless thank you pielamaya megwetch.
so to end this post I will say a small Prayer
Boozhoo Mitakuye Oyasin Wankentonka Tungushila
greetings all my relations creator grandfather of all
I ask you to know my heart know my prayers take them up to you
you of all know my heart you know what is needed the people living with disease of all kinds take care of them hold my loved ones in your arms close to y our heart bless the little ones take care of the victim's of the storm hold those two little boys in your arms and help their parents know that they are safe in your loving arms.Hold everyone in service close to you our soldiers our politicians all our warriors men and womyns both.
those who suffer from mental illness those who hole hate in their hearts teach them how to let go and lift it up to you take the hate from their heart take the sadness the depression lift it from them show them the truth and the clarity let them find true peace of mind and let them all learn the real meaning of love.I lift my heart to you my prayers to you in a humble way in a good way with no malice or hatred I lift this to  you and know you will answer take care of all the people living with HIV Hep-C and anything else you know what I ask and you know How to answer.
Pielamaya megwetch A'ho Mitaakuye Oyasin

Through it all I am still here

So today I went over to my sister's House to help scrape paint. I felt so useless because damn it I couldn't even help for long I kept having to stop to take breaks because well I cant stand for long periods of time and well I cant lift my arms above my head but did I say anything to my sister NO. Why you may ask because It is embarrassing to me to be so young and unable to do the simple things in life like helping out my sister.God its hard to be like this.I have been through so much with this virus and my diabetes my heart conditions and my other chronic illnesses that I find it remarkable to still wake up each new day to a brand new day.And you know what even if I cant do much at least I ma trying. Many people see me and they see a healthy individual.You don't look like you have issues like this Larry.It is a constant but they don't see the medication the pills I take every day to keep my weight up to keep me strong.They don't see the endless hours of physical therapy I go through to be able to walk.I feel it every day.But I don't give up I don't give in I continue to fight and Help where I can I cant help my sister financially but I sure as hell can help with her house.It is hard but I can do it I love my sister and it is not a burden to help her it is an honor.I know if she knew how hard it is on me to help she wouldn't ask but I wouldn't deny her the help.I cant she has been there for me my whole life.We have fought each other and for each other we have been there through it all and yeah there were rough spots in our childhood but there were so many blessings too.I was blessed with my family who stuck by me my whole life all of them no matter in what way they were thee for me.
Creator has put me here to help others in any way I can so if it is just cooking the meals so every one can have a break if they need it then that is what I will do.If it is speaking about being HIV pos and telling people it is your body your choice you must treat it as a sacred object protect yourself you are beautiful no matter what then that is what I will do. You know everyone needs to be tested know you're status know how to take care of your self. ask the important questions.Diabetics people with Hep-C people with STI'S get the right treatments. ask your doctors the questions never be afraid or ashamed to ask for help.if you need it you need it.
We often times forget to take proper care of ourselves we eat fast food junk food put crap in our bodies we need to change these Habits we need to take care of ourselves for those with children change your habits Now and it will affect your children's health they will be healthier and better for it Eat Clean meats organic fruits n veggies I know there is such debate in this issue but it is healthier the cleaner the food you put in your body the less issues you will have later. And Fried foods we love them oh my creator how we love them but they hurt us so bad in the long run. Your heart health is so important I felt my heart acting up today while Scraping paint I was also nodding off as well I dropped the heat gun three times once I burned myself today because I cant hold grip it. If i were in better condition I would not have had the issue. We need to take care of ourselves so we can do things like me helping my sister with her house so i will go into prayer tomorrow and then I will take these issues the creator knows my heart.My prayers are always for our people serving this country first and foremost then for my people second and I always pray of course for the health of our spiritual leaders the sick the infirm the wounded and the victims of well life (natural disaster/ abuse n such) then i pray finally for myself Last. Not be cause I am last on the list but because It is imperative to pray for those in need and in service first I am humble this way I have to be I am only a common Man and I will continue to be.
I make no claims of grandeur or anything else I am that I am and nothing more.I have my many many blessings I know I am loved by many in fact I had that come to me in such an out pouring just yesterday. So I am continuing with what I have set out to do and tell my daily story my life with my virus and I share so that people know it affects everyone not just a certain sect or people but every one. I am love I ma light I am a perfect creation of my creator at my core and at my very spirit I am that he created I am here to educate and provide words of encouragement and I am here 13 years positive a feat in and of it self. I am very blessed to have the health that I do have and I am blessed to have that which I do have many blessings and thanks to my followers and my readers I thank and love you all you are my inspiration and my motivation as well as my blessings I know what I am doing is good and it is the work of the creator blessings unto you all you are all in my prayers and I am with you each every day praying for and with you may tomorrow bring another good day for us all.
                                                    Mitakuye Oyasin A'ho

who I am and who I was how I have grown and who I am today

before I was born I was my spirit. I was the pure creation ready for a vessel that the creator made. whether he intended me to be Native or white or Muslim I was his perfect creation he would put my spirit where he saw fit for me to be.

he chose a native home a native heart a native family with issues because he wanted me to bring our ways back to my family

he chose to put me where I am today so I can help others to be who they are.

He chose to give me the hardships so I would learn truth and compassion for my people

he gave me what he gave me so i could persevere in a world full of hate and anger animosity and venom and to spread the light of my spirit to others and show them there is goodness left.

Some one Asked Me Who was I before I was born and the above is all I could truly come up with.Today I am who I am I have become a good person I have struggled along the way I have been hurt infected abused and neglected but through it all I am here today I have compassion I am that I am I am who I want to be I do not hate I pray for the people whom are week minded and who do not know how to pray for themselves I have grown to be a good human being and I spew forth no hatred or venom against anyone I know who has hurt me and I have learned to forgive them.

It takes a strong person to move on from the past and the hatred and lies spread against people. I will not be the one spewing forth venom's and malignity's against others I will take people into prayer lodge with me I will walk my road. Being Indian is a hard road to carry my bundles and walk humbly is a hard way to suffer for those people who need the strength and prayers is a true honor to walk in the light of the creator is very great blessing and I am truly grateful for it. It has kept me well these years of being positive.sullen sadness in the darkness of regret is not somewhere I want to be.I want the light of love and peace to shine from within me I want to be where it is that I am needed. I do not have illusions of grandeur or anything of the sort but I know there is a higher purpose for me and for each of us.I am willing to embrace this.I do not want to walk in anger and rage I want walk in love and peace.

I am where I need to be with the people I need to be with at this time.I have been called for a reason to speak publicly and let people know that this Virus Is a human virus it affects all walks of life Gay or Straight Native or White Hispanic or Black Asian and all aboriginal peoples.It does not discriminate against any race color or creed sexual identity or gender if your young or old it affects all people it affects my family because I am infected I see all the time how it affects those around me they are always worried I will be gone in an instant. they never know if today will be my last day with them. this virus is so invasive it invades your life the lives of your loved ones and every person you are involved with.HIV/AIDS is a serious issue that has been put on the sidelines for far too long.ADAP our aids drug assistance programs across the nation have been hit very hard soon I wont be able to get some of the meds I need very seriously.Because the funding for them has been cut.

well that was a long rant yes i have much to speak about most of all I am still very much here.But there is another issue I need to touch Base on the newly diagnosed and people who have been diagnosed for under three years I understand some of you may not understand your counts and your blood work. this is a difficult area to speak about because unfortunately every lab has a different way of actually counting. some do by percentage some put absolute counts and some put both absolute and percentages.For those of you confused about your Viral load and your Cd-4 and cd-8 counts these are good questions to get a better understanding form your doctor or arnp. they can explain how their lab does things and what the measurements mean by their lab standards. now as far as when to start an HIV regimen well that is entirely up to you.I waited until I was pos almost ten years. Now as for anyone else I am stating this was my decision and Mine alone.It was something I discussed with my doctor and I prayed on in sweat lodge now I will not advise that everyone follow my model.No but faith spirituality a good network of support. People who love you and an excellent doctor like I have that is the way to go as for my doctor she was very concerned about my decision but ultimately it is my body and was my decision.But she has told me that I have true faith that surpasses that of your average person.Strong conviction of character and conviction of my own spirituality and Knowing my body was key in my decision.as for you talk to your doctor make calculated and careful decisions. be intelligent about your decisions when it comes to your treatment. Ask Questions no question is a stupid question the only stupid question is the one you already know the answer to or the one left unasked. Stay on top of your virus own it live with it do not doe because of it. Keep up your strength and eat healthy change your habits it is a lifetime of self abuse that has deteriorated many of our bodies it is up to us to keep them healthy today. we many of us have made very unwise eating and drinking decisions but today is a new day a day to start fresh and to do it right.

for those of you who are not pos or don't know your status keep it covered get tested regularly Know your status.HIV may not be a death sentence but it is a life sentence you never get a break there are no remissions you have good days and bad days but every day you wake up you wake up pos not in remission you are always still very much HIV pos.

So ask questions get educated know your status get tested stay healthy everyday is a gift know this and you will get on just fine Love and light to you all.Blessings.
A short Prayer to the victims of HIV/AIDS Hep-c and natural disasters
MItakuye oyate Tungushila Wakentanka 
my relations Grandfather Creator Bless all those living with disease and those who suffer watching their loved ones deteriorate from it. Watch over the children living with it the pregnant mothers and watch over the victim's of the recent storms thank you for watching over me so I can pray for those who need my prayers you know the ones I do not name and the ones I do Thank you for giving me the strength to sit through lodge to pray for those who truly need the blessings. thank you for helping me to forgive those who have transgressed against me thank you for giving me the ability to forgive and to continue to love thank you for making this day for giving me this day in which to pray thank you for showing me compassion and thank you for being there for me when I feel lost and don't know what to do and thank you for knowing my heart and knowing who I pray for and knowing when I pray and taking those prayers and doing what you can with them. Thank you for allowing me to learn humility and humbleness.with out which I could not come to you in a good way to pray for all of these things I pray and for all my blessings I am truly grateful pielamaya A'ho 
Megwetch again all of you for reading and I love you all love and light blessings to you all and may tomorrow bring us all a new good day together.Peace Love and Frybread Grease 

Pow Wow this weekend

I am like Super excited for this pow wow coming up my Uncle is being honored this weekend as an honored elder.I love to chill With My Native Family.My uncles and aunts have accepted the fact that I am HIV pos and whats more is well not only have they accepted they do not associate your common stigma with it especially Rez stigma. Part of that is Probably due to the fact that i am very open about my HIV status and that I educate on the subject they felt it necessary to learn about it.
Whats funny Is when I was diagnosed at an IHS clinic they told me I am sorry to tell you but you are HIV+ and well you probably only have a couple of good years left and you wont live past three or four years. All these years Later here I am.I remember coming to my grandmother and telling her I was pos and the people who Diagnosed me At IHS told me I wouldn't be around very long she Laughed and said "Boy don't you realize your a Bender this wont get you,not unless you let it your strong now be smart and do something with your life!!"
Here I am grandma doing what you told me to do "sumin wit ma life". Yeah I know I am going all kinds of places this morning with this post but I got allot on my mind.So back to the Pow wow it is going to be great the guy who plays Sam From twilight some guy from general hospital Tyler Christopher will be there at this Pow Wow we have had Rudy Youngblood from apocylipto there at one point he is a fantastic hoop dancer btw. we have had all the big names in native actors lolz. Heck I am going to try to get my Uncle Wes out to go to one of our Pow Wow's that would be cool and I would see hm again its always cool to hang with my family.Especially at the PowWow's Now I do get a bit tired of the Five Hours Of Gourd Dancing but hey that's their thing you know let em dance. But I will be there for Grand Entry oh hell yeah Love me My grand entry and all the beautiful dancers. which reminds me I will need to pick up my Ribbon Shirt I left it at my sister's house.I am sure Grandma Hazel will be there At the Pow Wow and Grandpa Bud.It will be good to see them and I know that my cousins will all be there.
Yeah I have a great big extended family by blood and adoption.I know I am not from Ks but I seem to have Family all over every where I go I am drawn to my family we find each other and for that I am grateful.Since the loss of my Parents I thought I was alone then all these people I am related too start finding me. It's like they knew I was in need and they found me to help me. Life is awesome and amazing and I have been truly blessed.
I know that I started this blog to educate on HIV and how I live with it But I also Want people to remember that even though we Live with this virus we have lives outside of it Pow Wow's and ceremonies are big Part of mine.Without the community of people that I have I think I would not be as healthy as I am.With out the support of my family I would not be as healthy.I know that being chronically ill has taken such a huge part of my life but I still live each day as it comes if I don't then why live at all.I am living With HIV not Dying from it.I look for the Balance in my life and while there are meds and Dr.'s there is also my faith my community and my family the balance is clear and without the Balance I don't think I could be as healthy as I am.
So sometime in the next day I will have to run and get my Ribbon Shirt so I can participate in the festivities.
Thanks for your time all and thanks for continuing to support my efforts and me in all I do.

DOMA And Treaties

According to DOMA marriage is between a man and a woman and cannot be recognized federally for any reason.Hmm.. Does that not break yet more treaties with the indigenous people of this country? As Many people know historically many tribes not all but most considered people who Identified as gay or lesbian or bi or transgendered people who were not your average were very much held in higher respect men who dressed as womyn and womyn who dressed as men things like this.All the tribes had theyre own special names for these people but there was nothing that translated to fag or homo or queer and the name for the people who were like this was holy and never ever to be used in a bad way and the tribe allowed them to take mates and be what whites would call married.it was honored and respected.
Now today we have taken and coined the term two spirited people I am such a person who Identifies as two spirit but if my tribe legalizes gay marriage the government has the right to come in and tell us we arent recognized.So what are we going back to the 19th fucking century and Indians are not human again. are we going back to the early 20th century and we arent even citizens of our own country .THIS IS MY COUNTRY all of you are guests unless your native too of course.Why is it that we cannot have our traditions.Why is it that for 65 years we did not get the recognition for what we did in WWII when we were barely citizens.Barley I say cause we could not even vote legally then.we were still subhuman.But because I am gay and Indian I have even less rights.
It is so frustrating and you know what this is not good for my virus.to Stress over this is horrible for my virus.
Being a native man I feel we should have the rights we deserve. I believe that we should be honored by our fellow country men and womyn.But no we get the brunt of the stick we get less than and then get told by others oh you got it made our indian.MY tribe dont have a casino Yo I am poor too and I get shitty medical too.but oh because we are indian we got it so good.mhhmm yeah thats why your in a beautiful 2500 sq ft home while I cant get a decent job cause of my color oh your indian you get money from the  government we dont need to hire you the government takes care of you kind.And Yes that is how people think all day everyday news flash your on my land yet you get to own it.the land set aside for natives is barren and wasted the shittiest land not good for grazing or hunting or plowning and harvesting the government tryed their hardest to kill us all off by placing us on the worst pieces of realestate known to man.but that aside you ant to judge ME cause I am gay and pos as well so yeah well shoot should i just give up?
Now for the die hard racist homophobic assholes out there they are prolly sayin kill your self. To you people NO A resounding NO In fact HEL TO THE MCMOTHERFUCKING NO!!I am a gay indian man who is living with HIV and if that hasnt taken me then I dont think I will make it easy. I am a warrior. I will fight by educating my people and help others for the rest of my life.
Now for every one else yes we as Native accepted all people no matter theyre gender or gender identity we honored all people created by the creator.that is the ndn way.and DOMA is in direct conflict with our treaties so its time to take a stand and start writing the government your state representatives and more till they pull that off the Table and Obama Your adopted Crow did you know that the tribe you represent honors its two spirit people so if I were you I would Honor my people and get rid of DOMA an honorable Man would do this.He would honor his people.I am not saying our president is Bad in any way I love Mr. Obama and if he weren't already Married He would so be on my list of men's I want to try to turn to Marry me.lolz honestly he is sexy as all hell, And he is a good man I just want that our traditional waye be respected and honored across the board.Treaties should finally be honored after all theses years.And any law put up before the senate and house floor should go through a coalition of tribal reps to see if in fact it could violate a treaty. It so sad that nothing has ever been put in place to protect us natives you can throw us in prison for life but you a\cant make laws that protect us.and yes a life on the reservation is prison.anyway this has turned into a real rant I hope My point was made. I wish I were a better writer.But alas all I can do is toss the facts out there and point things out.I am but a humble common man.nothing more so I will say a prayer and hope that creator takes this to Obama and he makes the changes to protect us all and make it ok for all to have the same equal rights. thanks guys talk to you again soon. L

Mothers Day Update

I know that it is hard this time of year for those of us who have lost their loved ones Like I lost mine.I will say that what makes this day for me so special is the fact that although my mother and father are both gone I have relatives who love me so unconditionally that they will brighten my day come and grab me and take me out and say things like you have a mom in me even though I am your aunt I can do this for you and be here for you always. I have been doubly bless in my life with those that will honor me to be my family always.
life is so beautiful I have been so very blessed my aunt and uncle came and got me today and had me over for a bbq it was great I love cookouts they are fantastic friends loved ones people that are all there for you always no matter what.
So even if you could not spend this day with your mom I hope you had a wonderful Rock type woman in your life that you did and were able to spend it with. As an HIV pos man I know how hard stress can affect your health and when you do not have someone like a mother in your life in which you can confide and go to with your secrets and problems and tears when you break the one person who picks you up when you fall and helps you to dust your self off and get back in the saddle it affects your health this is true for HIV pos people as well as anyone living with a chronic illness and as a matter of fact stress kills more people each year than allot of things and stress can cause out rageous issues in your health.
so with that said I want you to enjoy your mothers day and Happy Mothers day to all the moms and women that are like moms to us in our lives many blessings and thanks unto the creator for all of you mitakuye oyasin 

Operation Code Name Geronimo How this affects me personally

Ok To start this post this is about the controversy surrounding Operation Code name Geronimo.As many people know I generally blog about things like well HIV and living with it Being HIV pos is only one small part of my life it is where my heart lies in education and prevention of course.But what many fail to remember is daily life and the stress of politics and who is going tot be the next state rep congressman senator adn even the death Of osama binladen can affect our health even the healthiest of us. Why well because the new england journal of medicine states that reducing stress in your life even by a third can greatly increase your life expetancy by years well doesnt that sound great.
well of course it does but things like the president naming the assault on bin laden operation Geronimo fuck as a native I was pissed now I say I was pissed because i didnt have all the facts and my young cousin she well dropped some straight knowledge down on my ass and set me straight real quick.And in a very serious and calm way.but all it took from her were a few words to show me the light and this is what I posted on FB and then the debate was on. Now before you ostart to read this yes on FB I have decided to Add my mother's Maiden Name to my legal name well as a matter of respect because her Maiden Name is very indian and it shows where my people come from.Our surnames can tell you allot about us and it wasnt until recently I knew this But yeah My ganfathers  family very big name on The Dawes rolls so here you go guys read on
My cousin Ashley Thornton just pointed out a very very good point about the Code name Geronimo It wasn't meant to be offensive to natives but to honor them as Geronimo was a great Apache leader he meant to represent the seals as Geronimo not Bin-Laden thanks Ash your an amazing young woman wise beyond your years
Ashley Thornton Thank you LArry! It helps with great teachers, and yes, exactly what i meant!
Lorraine Watson well here in america we dont think so, it was not meant as being a good leader or anything for that code name...we live this every day everyday discriminiation its way different then in canada and we live it everyday with the us government
Larry Bender Estrada 

Lorraine I live in the US nit Canada and I was offended my self until My cousin pointed out that this is what she felt I understand very very much what you are talking about with discrimination but Ashley points out that the representation of Goyakla better known as Geronimo was a great Apache Leader known as a warrior so the name was lent to our forces as if they were Geronimo Strong warriors fighting for American Not Attemting to associate Geronimo with terrorism But to Associate him with Strength and This is A very touchy subject for many of us and were it not for the wisdom of my amazng young Cousin I would still be very much thinking it held a negative connotation and yes we live in kansas the bible belt of the US so food for thought should we re-think our all jumping directly to the defensive we can be victems or we can be warriors and peace keepers A warrior is first and foremost a keeper of the peace she/he he/she only fights when there is no other alternative we take into council this young very wise womans words and remember who we are we are we are a nation of strong people and though we come from many tribes we are all one people we are all in it together we must all help to lift eachother up not tear eachother down in respect I will say this last thing It is not meant to offend but to open the eyes and help us to grow in who we are

Ashley Thornton well said larry, it seems to be a big misunderstanding but the code name for Osama was jackpot And the mission for And of the seals was Geronimo. by that they used his name (GeronimoS)because he struck fast without letting his enemies See him, he wouldn't leave footsteps no One seen him coming And the seals thinking like Geronimo used his tactics because the jackpot(Osama) obviously didn't See them coming.

Larry Bender Estrada isnt my cousin so wise too look at all the facts before reacting she will make for a great leader one day :)

Connie Ann Schwartz-Donley interesting Larry and Ashley, that makes sense of course.

Lorraine Watson I was called squaw my whole life an any names referencing to native is offensive and have committees filing lawsuits but its still offensive to sum of us who have lived the genocide!

Larry Bender Estrada 

as I said Lorraine this was not intended to offend in any way and or cause an argument or debate or raise your blood pressure it was not intended to hurt or cause Harm in anyway it was intended to open the hearts and minds of others that such a young person barely 22 could look at this and see that point was amazing to me and her Grandmother by the way was one of those children in a mission boarding school genocide and DEGRADATION TO OUR PEOPLE is a part of history just that History why is it innapropriate to try to make amends by honoring those in the past by useing thier names and theyre strength to draw on the strength of its people.Whether you like to admit it now or not whites and other races are American's as well they may not be the original people but they are its people historically was it not our way to accept those? Think about what is going on here by harboring hate you are spreading hate the only way to heal is to let go it is unfortunate what happend to us and our people but today is today. Let the ammends be made be not angry be strong to do this we must accept the facts the whole truth all of it as Ashley pointed out geronimowas the name for the seals cause they wer equick unseen like geronimo and jackpot was Osama's name the target and he never saw them coming using The tactics of the famous Warrior Geronimo Maybe we should ask his decendants what they think I know I am fb friends with at least one of his ddecendants and I will ask him to comment he is also an ex army Man as well and his brother is also army. so I will ask them to comment on what they think.If anyone should be offended it should be them.

Ashley Thornton thank you, i Really appreciate you larry

Larry Bender Estrada you know I got your Back sweety

Lorraine Watson 

well still there is an offense to those who live an everyday thing of this..it doesnt matter if it was for a good reason or good name or not they need to leave natives alone period...i've been in the political realm for 14 years now from all levels from being tribal leader to doing icwa , budges, and fighting to get services there is also a group who refuses to wear JCPenny Brand Crazy Horse due to the family objecting and the offense of using names..its a fact that name calling is not good if meant for good or bad..

Ashley Thornton 

lorraine i understand your opinions And i thank you for telling the other side of things, but that is where i stand on this matter, And How i See things. The way i look at it if someone doesn't like me for my heritage, And beliefs And they choose to try to offend me with derogatory terms, then they do Not know me. people tend to be fearful of what they Don't understand And know. but i also think the line does have to be drawn at some point.

Larry Bender Estrada Words well written Ashley Truth is simple

 So that was the final post so far my cousin is a bringer of the peace. I am honored to be related to her.I hope one day she decides to run for public office she would serve the community well I honestly believe this.You see the strength and the wisdom of the people I come from amazing just amazing this is who we are.

And yeah I am poz yeah I have made mistakes but look at what I have around me look at the blood that flows through my viens the infinate wisdom of where I come from.Will HIV/AIDS be my downfall? NO and a resounding NO at that because I was infected for one purpose and one purpose alone to prove to other natives that this is a human virus and it affects us all I was infected to break the silence and break the stigma associated with being HIV pos and in the Native comunity to educate our youth to help ensure the survival of our strong Race. to help everyone become who they are encourage our future leader's AKA My cousin Ashley . You know we are all affected by the events of 9-11 and the last 10 years that followed.And yes Osama Bin-Laden is dead will this end the war no is it the begining of the end yes. But terrorism lies in even the people being just plain angry about very childish things hat propagates hate only through love can we end Hate.It takes the voices of the strong young people like my cousin to Make this world a better place for us all those of us who struggle with HIV and those of us who struggle with hep c and even more and of course for those who dont struglle with anything.It is people like her that will eventually make this world a much better place.I thank you guys for your time and I appologize in advance if this is not what you were expecting for this post but well what many of us dont realize its little things that cause stress and well stress causes heart issues and for those of us on meds we most likley have heart health issues from that these meds are harsh very harsh.Today I ask for people to remember that we should not rejoyce the death of even one enemy but to mourn the loss of the masses remember we are human we make mistakes we are not perfect but we are good at our core we are good know that even though you may have been angry this was the sentiment behind it there are better things to be angry about than naming the Seal Team that went after B-L geronimoS .B angry about the adap budget cute be angry about the lack of funding for IHS services schools and other things that are there for helping natives.

Thank you for your tie I am grateful for all my readers.

Mother's Day is coming up and I have no Mother

Some of you May know Three years ago on January 15th My mother succumbed to cancer. It was a day to never forget.As I sat there with my loving sister Suzie and my mom I was holding her hand as the nurse Gave her injection after injection Of Morphine and Thorazine to ease her pain and help her transition into the next world.I felt like I was Killing My mom or allowing my mom to be killed but I didn't want to stop the nurse cause My Mother was in such Horrible Pain.I knew My mother did not want to live like that in pain and so much trouble she was suffering from severe dementia as the cancer had metastasized to her brain she did not know who we were anymore she had very few moments of lucidity and clarity.It was hard for us to watch this woman who was so strong wither so quickly she was our Mommy how could we move forward with out her.
I sat in silence silently Crying till they pronounced her dead I said my prayers over her and asked the creator release her spirit form her body and take her home.What else could I do She was gone her spirit needed to be let go.We all wept who were present even her hospice nurse.It was a healing  moment but a hard moment in my life.On that day Four days After we celebrated her last and final birthday we said goodbye to this powerful driving force in our lives My sisters and I lives changed forever that day the day we said goodbye to our mother in some ways we drew on each other for strength it drew us closer to one another it brought mortality to our eyes and we knew each day from that day on we were orphans all we had was each other. Since then our relationships with each other have been more grounded we no longer Take advantage of each other we appreciate one another more and more.
I have struggled with my self worth for years but now with my sisters by my side I am strengthened and re-newed each and everyday. My mother Has left us but even in her Passing she taught us a powerful and very valuable lesson we are a family and we don't know how long any one of us has on this earth don't take it for granted love one another with everything you have.
So as mother's day approaches I remember my Mom and thank her I show her the gratitude she deserves in life and in death she brought us all together and made us the people we are today.I never told her many things but I know she knew she was the driving force in my spiritual healing and in accepting who I was.Because of her I am not afraid to be just who I am and who I am meant to be.So with the approaching of mother's day I want everyone to remember the special woman in your life who showed you the way. She may not have been your biological Mother maybe she was your aunt or grandmother Maybe even your sister or cousin but remember her and honor her be grateful for your driving force you don't know how long she will be around.
Don't forget that you are who you are because of where you came from You are beautiful and Loved you are the light in the darkness when you feel as though You have  no hope remember the ones who love you and remember you are precious.Because Of My Beautiful Mother Sandra Marie Bender I will Always Know I am Perfect just As  I Am. I am a perfect reflection of love And She would Always tell me how my smile could light up the darkest room.Thanks Mom For being you and raising me I know it was hard I know you had allot to deal with but you did an amazing job Because Of you I am the Man I am today and I am grateful for you.I only wish I could tell you one more time just how much you meant to me.May you rest in Peace.

Living with HIV and dealing with everyday issue's and more

Ok so today I have had both ups and downs.I am seriously crying at the moment. You see in all the time I have been blogging I have been talking about living with the physical of HIV but then there is the depression or mental that comes with this. You See I own my Virus it is a part of me. I have been dealt My hand now I am going to play the game the best I can with the cards I was dealt.What else can I do. Some people think I am very well adjusted (little known secret I am just like you average maybe more insecure not completely well adjusted) I am working on it though. I have my spiritual Leaders I go to, that helps .Recently My well he is my brother in law even though my sister and he are not legally married he is family.Ant way I was saying he was recently Diagnosed with acute leukemia. What does that mean I don't know but I do know we will deal with it as a family.You see I have my moments too I am human.I cry I bleed I scream I stomp I throw my little tantrums. But through it all I pray.

My sister has this amazing device she calls a god box. She writes her Prayers down and puts them into a box for God to deal with. I use these Items when I need to reach my creator.I sing drum songs that lift my heart to the creator I burn sage and use my feather to clean me and raise my thoughts and issues up to creator. This is my saving Grace. I am very spiritual without this I would not be the man I am I am humbled all the time and all to often I think I am not as strong as Many believe me to be.But every day I find myself stronger healthier in my spirit I am finding this beautiful amazing person and it Saves me .I am Grateful for all that has happened to me I have compassion for those I love and those I don't even know.I am here and I am human and in my humanism I am good. So with some of this said I am worried about My Brother in law My sister their children.I am crying while writing this because I am praying and I know the most powerful Prayers are those said when tears are shed.So with that said I would like to invite everyone to pray with me to your understanding of god Pray for My family those I love those in need Pray for your selves Pray for those who suffer here I will start:
 Grandfather Creator Tungushila I come to you humbly to beg for you to bring peace and healing into the lives of my sister Suzie Her best friend and lover Wes Their Children.I ask you to lift them up and hold them to comfort them and protect them.I ask For Prayers For Abigail For Maria For Pre For Shana For Bear Shana's husband For James My nephew For James My brother for My uncle Mark Pam for Micheal S. For Matt My ex For everyone who has come into my life who has issues they need you to help them deal with I ask you to lift my reader's into your loving arms and take them into your heart and keep them close Protect them I ask you to bless the center I ask For all the prayers Shana and Abigail and Ponka-we asked me for I ask you to to bless each of them in the areas in which they need blessed I ask you to watch out for Abigail's Little brother I ask you to help those who suffer with this Virus and with cancer and Hep-C I ask for you to watch over the families of the victims and fallen soldiers of this War I ask you to lift up our President Obama and Keep in safe and strong and help him to get re-elected. I ask you to keep my friends Annie and Emily in your loving arms I ask you to be their for the suffering of the world in our time of need I ask for your help to help this world stay Neg and help those who need help seeking treatment to find it.I ask for you to help Red get a job in this economy.I ask for you to keep us strong and healthy I ask you to help those of us who have been hurt to truly forgive those who have hurt us and lift our prayers up to you. I turn this over to you I give this to you.i do not hold any of it back I give it all to you I lift it all to you to take and do with it as you will your will is Divine I am but your humble child and servant I will not question I will have faith you will answer my prayer in the best way because you are the only one who is perfect.I Love You My Creator My grandfather.
                                          A'ho Mitakuye Oyasin!!!!!

SO for all of you out there in the internets world I have said My prayers for you and the world.I love you all my friends My followers My people. Take care and thank you for reading and thank you f you were able to Pray if you weren't able too I understand I prayed for you and for you to one day find faith to pray I love you I reiterate that you are beautiful and worth of love and peace and health Take care of yourselves and stay neg for those of you who are and for those of you who are pos I love you too and know you are beutiful and I pray you are healthy and strong as well Many blessings be upon all of you be well and good night all.
Blog Update I need to request my readers to Pray For My Brother in law Bear and his Mother Reba She had a serious fall she was without food or water for three days and is in the hospital so please include her in your prayers please love light and peace unto all of you Mitakuye O'yasin A'ho

the many sides of me

Today I was finally able to Join My aids campaign it is my fervent hope that this helps me to end allot of the stigma associated with HIV/AIDS I am here for the purpose to educate and Help with prevention measures as well as help those newly Diagnosed. HIV is not a death sentance like it once waas but yes it is very much a life sentance. I never get a break I have never been told Larry great news your in remission. I am Undetectable but must maintain my medications.
HIV is not all that is wrong with me either I ma diabetic type 1 and always have been.I cant get rid of it by losing weight or eating better I have tryed I was down to 135 pounds at one time to try to get my sugars in check.So yeah lots of issues I am Chronically ill In and out of the hospital I never ever get a break.If I can help even one person by writing or speaking I have done my Job. I have a very busy life lolz I am in the ER allot. And On top of that I do my part with helping the local HIV community and lgbti community I really really try very hard to do my part.I am very vocal about HIV and allways Have been I have Always been out about my status.
I have had issues with some people though but I have let it go and I have moved on.I have lost some friends but if they couldnt accept all of me then you know what they did not deserve me.I am who I am I am infected But I am not going to let that stop me from doing my part in this fight.When I told my family it was the hardest thing to do because they were very uneducated about it my mom thought she would out live me in fact allot of people thought they would out live me but here I am and well allot of those people have made thier journeys.
So to the subject of companians I am going to tangent a bit today change subjects and things well My doctor told me it would be a good idea for me to get a therapy dog I wound up with two, who then had three more of thier own lolz.so I am now daddy to two dogs and grandaddy to three pups. SOme times its well lets just say messy but i wouldnt change a thing I am learning how to take care of them and they are definatly taking care of me.They all love me very much. And for the pups I have found them all homes so well when they are big enough off they go.

so I think I will post some pics of thems here just because yeah u should see the cuties. well thats as many as I can post as the uploader is being touchy but they are adorable and I love them all.so with all that said I think i will publish and be done for now.

Osama Bin Laden Confirmed Dead On the 66th anniversery of the ddeath of Hitler

I pray to the creator today that our boys and girls will be coming home soon. It was confirmed today and announced that Osama Bin Laden was killed in a very well organized Targeted attack led by the US government what seemed to have elude George W. Bush for his entire two terms Obama made happen in the secon half of his first Term Yet every one critisizes Obama you know what out there to al the critical people Go to hell OBAMA IS TAKING CARE OF BUSSINESS. YEAH. ok that said yes i am beyond happy I am moved to tears today.this affects us all.now to get on the ball about federal ADAP cause I need the ADAP program for my meds. you know now with Osama out of the picture Obama will have much more time to deal with more important issues like health care and education. and The Economy for all the Nay sayers I say live my life and tell me we dont need these programs for the poor live my life and tell me we dont need social security. Live my life and tell me the 60 year old woman down the street raising her three grandchildren on her 900 dollars a month retirement check and no help from the parents of her grandchildren does not need her sociall security benifit. Yes I usually talk about my HIV today I am Talking about my countries goverment the budget and how it affects us all.those of us with chronic illness it affects even more so for those of us with HIV this means that mabe Obama will have time to look over the planned cuts on our federal adap and maybe he will veto that and change it for the better i mean dont we all have the right to have health insurance and a better quality of care and a better life.thank you Mr president for doing everything you do.change is slow but for some of us we dont have that kind of time to waste