I did Not Write this But felt the Need to Share it Take a moment to read it Thank You

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
PLASTER AND STONE.

I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO
IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.

THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.

WAS THIS THE HERO
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?

I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.

SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.

I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY.

THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
'SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS.'

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.

I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, 'CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE.'

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
'MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,!
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.'
This poem was written by a Marine. The following is his request. I think it is reasonable.....
PLEASE. Would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as many people as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our U.S. service men,women, and Canadian Forces for our being able to celebrate these festivities.
Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we
owe. Make people stop and think of our heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us. Please, do your small part to plant this small seed.

Chest Pains on a Monday morning

It feels like bronchitis coming on I feel Fluid in my lungs. I have been hurting all morning I have so much to do today and yet I feel so bad I can hardly breath or move. When I try to breath my chest feels like It's on fire moving hurts and I reel in pain the coughing convulsions rage through my body to the point of almost vomiting and its all because I can barely breath. I wonder silently if it will ever get better I pray the pain will eventually stop it never does. I often toss and turn in my sleep. Becsuse I find it hard to breath at night the doctor mentioned a sleep study to see if it is apnea but I don't think it is (rather I don't want it to be) I don't want to be on a breathing machine I dont want to be on oxygen. It's hard enough on me with all I deal with I don't need the added stress I dont think I am strong enough to deal with it.
I know im complaining at the moment but right now I need to vent my emotions it scares me so bad when I feel this bad when my body feels so low that I don't know what else to do but go to the emergency room. If you know me you know I try very hard to avoid hospital and doctors. It is not where I want to spend my time. Since I was young I've spent far too much time in a hospital of some kind for one thing or other.too much of my life has been wasted in them. Well im going to nap for a few put the finishing touches and celebrate my aunt and Uncle's day with them.

Saturday December 10th 2011 and how my Day went

So today has been a bit rough the cold decided to seep deeply into my bones today I have felt pain in my joints that I didn't know possible I have suffered with pain for so long that most pain I can handle with no issues what so ever but today it was the worst it has ever been. I am Preparing for my cousins Birthday tomorrow and My Aunt and uncles wedding anniversary on Monday I decided on what I was going to prepare and its going to be good. I did all this through the pain. I managed to walk to the local grocery store which is a bit more expensive than that of say walmart and Dillon's but it was close and convenient and I got the necessities.
 Lately I have been sleeping a bit more than usual but I am sure I will be OK on the Day I am going to prepare my aunt and uncles anniversary feast. And I am going to prepare the dessert tomorrow so that it has time to chill and set for them. I have everything Planned and I will probably spend tomorrow tidying up the whole house I plan on everything anymore even though I am not very big on planning ahead of time cause I never know if I am going to be here on said days. But I am even Planning my own birthday Its not going to be a big affair just me saying thanks on the day I was born its going to be just me myself and I maybe some family I don't know yet but just something small I don't plan on doing much just celebrating life and remembering life is nothing but a celebration of thanks giving for being here.
 Today I saw my Facebook friend Leslie Kinder and we had a great conversation it was amazing to know that there is someone else out there that has strong beliefs about the socioeconomic problems out there as I myself have. its a blessing to to meet people who feel as strongly as I do in these situations and who realize we are all part of that 99% Living on such a budget is very hard but I manage its tough but what in life worth anything isn't tough Right?
 I know how blessed I am to know so many people who feel the same way and can relate to the same issues as I myself have to deal with.it takes allot of little people to speak allowed so they'/re voices are heard just like all of us living with the Virus shouting out to the government to make sure that we get the proper care we not only need but deserve with out Making our voices heard we would get nothing.as it stands with all the federal budget cuts there is a huge wait list for ADAP in so many states luckily there isn't one yet in Ks. Small blessings small wins but every small win is a win in and of itself. I have learned over the years that we have to keep speaking about being in that percentile and being in the lost paperwork cause if we don't we don't get anything done with out our voices and with out making ourselves known the politicians forget who we are we can not be forgotten we must be heard and the people out there who say its easier to just cut the budgets and such need to be out shouted in my opinion.
 well that's my rant my day its literally what I did today and what I am preparing to do in the next couple of days and this is why I tend to ramble allot because my days are generally like this random but at least I am willing to admit it to myself and the world I hope you have enjoyed reading me and I hope you have a wonderful and eventful day and weekend be well love peace and light may it guide you all thanks for your time all and Mitakuye Oyasin

So Its that time of year again

In about 19 Days I am going to have yet another birthday I was thinking about all the great birthdays I have had through the years. And I got to thinking what were the best gifts. Well I never really got a whole lot on my birthday just cause its so close to Christmas but I always had a great celebration and the best one was when I was about 10 or so well that is until recently but I will get to that. You see when I was young my family was very big and we had just enough but mom and dad always made an effort for the holidays to make sure we all had a Christmas and such well this year in particular My mom My aunt and uncle and my dad and older brother Made a very special effort for my Birthday and my older sister kept me busy all day so they could get things together and I remember My sister taking me on the bus to stoneridge shopping Mall where Farrell's was it was this Ice cream Parlor place that well you could have birthdays and such it was old timey and when we finally got there every one was there with presents and cake and Ice cream my whole family all made this huge effort just for me and I know it must have cost a bundle cause this place wasn't cheap but they all helped to make me remember that that was my special Day. these are the memories i will keep and cherish from my child hood remembering my whole family cared so much to do something just for me they were all there for me even though that it was Christmas time and we were all broke My whole family came together to celebrate my special Day If I could have one thing this year on my birthday it would be my family coming together to celebrate the joys of life to be with me and enjoy our family and each other.
 Well of course there is another very special gift I was talking about and that is a more recent Story it was an unintentional gift My sister gave to me on my birthday. See My older sister Has been in recovery for several years now and early on in her recovery She found out she was pregnant. and I was very excited for her that year we found out My Nieces due date was something like the 24th of December or Christmas day and I told my sister nope your going to have that baby on my Birthday I just know it. I helped plan her baby shower and got all these super expensive gifts for her I got her one of them diaper Gene's and so much as a damn Wipey Warmer I said my baby's tooshie will never be cold lolz and when Christmas time came around my sister was like i am going to have this baby i know it and I said nope she is going to be born on the 28th no doubt and we argued in a playful sibling banter but lo and behold My beautiful niece was born on my birthday a celebration of life on my day in my family Suzie never expected to have her on that day and she will never know just how much it means that I was honored by the Creator that her daughter was born on my birthday to remind me that life is a gift that My day of birth was the first gift I ever received and that I am also a gift to my community my family and my people so my niece is that reminder that we are all precious gifts everyone of us are a gift from the creator and everyday is a gift.
 And so with my Birthday coming I would like to thank my mom my dad My sisters and brothers my nephews and nieces and cousins aunts and uncle for always being there reminding me how precious life is and I would like to thank them all for being a part of my life my celebration of the Creators love each and everyday. 14 years Positive and I am still here able to celebrate birthdays and holidays with my family how amazing is that isn't that the best gift in and of itself to be able to spend it with the ones you love and to cherish each and every single moment whether its your next or your last knowing that Life is a celebration that is what I want for my birthday the reminder that Life is a celebration of being.......

organic versus conventional and the debate begins

So s over the years through books and articles.
It is not to be considered as medical advice or 
information to be used for self-doctoring.
All diseases and illnesses presented herin or 
implied should be treated

Why Eat Organic?

By choosing organic foods, you are choosing to bring more health into your life. Eating organic foods helps to build immunity, increase strength and promotes recovery from chronic conditions.

While organic food is mainstream now and can be found in nearly all grocery and health food stores, visiting Farmer's Markets is one of the best ways to find organic foods and support your local community and you'll get far fresher foods than those that have been shipped from all parts of the country.

Organically grown meats and poultry's are also becoming more available.

What's the difference?

Just as with vitamins, there is always "something" that eludes a manufacturer. The makers of chemical fertilizers cannot reproduce in their correct proportions the essential trace elements that go to make up the good earth.

Modern large-scale food production methods have made it almost impossible to obtain a really pure and unadulterated product of nature. Chemicals act like a tonic and give plants a sharp uplift, but the effect soon wears off and the soil is left as impoverished as before.  Ground without any organic treatment is also devoid of earthworms, which are essential to the health of the soil.  Earthworms are the greatest gardeners of all.  They eat soil to a vast extent and make about their own weight in the finest fertilizer everyday. Their castings are much richer than the actual soil they take in. Chemicals kill earthworms!

After 100 to 300 years of cultivation, our soils are worn out! And, there are still claims that "evidence is lacking" that chemical fertilizers and pesticides are detrimental to our health.  The FDA and the US Department of Agriculture regulate about 60% of the food produced in the United States and individual states are responsible for the rest. Of the 70,000 chemicals produced, the EPA lists 60,000 as either potentially or definitely hazardous to our health!

The argument that "evidence of toxicity is lacking" is not valid because evidence of safety is even more lacking! The tremendous increase in illnesses, especially cancer, may in part be correlated with the hundreds of millions of pounds of pesticides added annually to the billions of pounds already in the ground, bits of them carried by soil solution into every cell of our foods.

Nitrates from commercial fertilizers destroy or decrease the vitamin C content of plants.  In our bodies they can be changed to nitrites, which have caused serious illnesses and even fatalities.  Government regulations set "parts per million" restrictions which lull us into complacency but a number of insecticides have induced many health problems such as liver and kidney damage.  Laboratory research has shown that pesticide residues can be found in the brains of rats but has not been studied in the human brain.  Apparently, the body fat of everyone contains poison residues.  Single foods exceeding the so-called "level of safety" cannot be marketed, but the cumulative amounts ingested over prolonged periods cannot be controlled.

Three hundred million tons of waste is generated annually by industry.  The EPA estimates that 90% of this waste is disposed of improperly.  Much of this waste finds its way into our air, water, soil and food supplies.  We must learn how to be involved and support efforts to heal and purify our earth and its people!

Food plants from high acre yields, forced by chemical fertilizers, contain more carbohydrates and are lower in protein and minerals.  Potassium in the form of chemical fertilizers, or liming the soil, unless done with a magnesium limestone or dolomite, both cause such a severe lack of magnesium in food plants that magnesium deficiencies in humans have become widespread.

Calcium, magnesium, potassium and iron contents of vegetables from mineral-rich organic ground have ranged from four to many hundreds of times higher than those grown on soil long under cultivation. Foods from land rich in natural minerals and humus have a greater protein content than those grown in chemically fertilized soils.

Foods grown on healthy soils appear to produce superior human health.  Furthermore, plants grown on well mineralized, composted and mulched land have a remarkable ability to remain healthy and are little bothered by pests.  Thousands of organic farmers have proven that the use of chemical fertilizers and pesticides are not needed.  One of the factors detrimental to health is the passing of the home garden!

If space permitted, example upon example could be given as to the detrimental effect of chemical fertilizers, pesticides and additives.  The destruction of amino acids, vitamins, minerals and proteins in our foods is high.  The cumulative amounts and reactions of one chemical with another are magnified through additives.  Some foods, such as white bread, are said to contain no fewer than 30 different additives.  The soothing "no evidence for alarm" may well continue until irreparable damage has been done, if it hasn't already!

There is some evidence, for example, that sorbic acid and its salts, which are common preservatives, can combine with nitrites, popular food additives, to produce a chemical compound that may cause genetic mutations.  Any toxic substance can harm the liver.  Since all of us consume, with our foods, pesticides, additives, preservatives and nitrates, it's believed that everyone has liver damage to some extent.  Any form of liver damage causes increased susceptibility to cancer.  Also, susceptibility increases tremendously when diets are deficient in protein or essential amino acids.

Physical health, which is the basis for mental, emotional and spiritual development, cannot be maintained without adequate nutrition.  Sound nutrition is your fortress against disease. 

Here’s why organics are healthier in one word – “pesticides”…

How healthy can food grown with deadly pesticides be?

Seriously. Yeah, there may not be ADDED health benefits to eating organics. You won’t run faster or get better eyesight (well maybe) but the point these reports are missing is what you LOSE by eating organics. You lose pesticides. Pesticides are poison. Pesticides were created to kill. Pesticides have been shown to cause nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, wheezing, rashes and other skin problems, chronic adverse effects on neurological function, cancer, reproductive harm, reduced growth and development, birth defects and more.

In children alone, pesticide poisoning is so serious that it’s been mistaken for issues such as brain hemorrhage, head trauma, diabetic acidosis, severe bacterial gastroenteritis, pneumonia and whooping cough.

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that NOT having all the above health conditions is way healthier than having them.

According to the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) and the National Academy of Sciences, standard chemicals are up to ten times more toxic to children than to adults, depending on body weight. So if you think your adult organ systems are vulnerable imagine what toxic chemicals are doing to your kids.

Blood samples of children aged 2 to 4, have shown that concentrations of pesticide residues are six times higher in children eating conventionally farmed fruits and vegetables compared with those eating organic food.

The US Centers for Disease Control reports that a main sources of pesticide exposure for children comes from the foods they eat.

Worse the folks spraying crops with deadly pesticides really don’t care if they cause harm or not. The EPA doesn’t care if your family eats pesticides. In fact the EPA wanted to test low-income children by giving them MORE pesticides until people called them out as insane. Some of theparties who are supposed to certify organics don’t care. The USDA and FDA most certainly don’t care.

The OCA notes that the US Department of Agriculture “Strictly prohibits mixing different types of pesticides for disposal, due to the well known process of the individual chemicals combining into new highly toxic chemical compounds.” That said there are zero regulations when it comes to mixing pesticides for use by consumers and studies report that 62% of food products tested contain a measurable mixture of residues of at least three different pesticides. Nice!

Make no mistake, it’s up to YOU not any government agency to keep your kids safe from pesticides. Well, maybe the President’s Cancer Panel is taking some responsibility – see Reducing Environmental Cancer Risk: What We Can Do Now (pdf). That’s a start.

In any case, a heaping platter of pesticides sure sounds like healthy fun to me.

Other reasons why organics are healthier:

• Most people I know who tend to shell out bigger dollars for organics cut back in other food areas – i.e. processed foods, chips, etc. The cost difference ends up making organics a healthier choice when folks cut back eating non-nutritious food so they can afford organics.
• Organics don’t pollute our land, air and water systems.
• Organic farming doesn’t harm farmers and their families.
• Pesticides in non-organics may be linked to ADD and obesity.

One last thing – nutrients are a seriously weak point when it comes to health…

Organics and conventional foods may overall contain the same amount of nutrients (although many believe organics really do contain more nutrients) but nutrients aside, once you put toxic chemicals into the ground, which then goes into the food, which then goes into your body, it changes your body for better or worse and no amount of nutrients will help you out.

If you’re healthy to start with, hopefully your body will absorb the max amount of nutritional value from the foods you eat. If you’re sick because you’ve been munching on toxic pesticides, maybe your body is functioning worse and you’ll be less able to soak up all those healthy nutrients.

You so don’t have to be a scientist to know that eating poison means your body won’t function well. When I was in college for nursing we learned that when you’re sick you’re not absorbing the best nutrients possible plus when your body is under attack it may respond by feeling less hungry.

To sum up: I don’t care if organic foods have more nutritional value than conventional food or not. Hell, organic food could be LESS nutritious and I’d still feed them to my family over conventional. I’d rather have them lose a few nutrients and give them a multivitamin than have them eat poisonous pesticides.

What do you think? What’s more important about the whole conventional vs. organic debate – nutritional value or pesticides? 
   So I saw some of these articles and this is My conclusion. Eating Organic Is basically pennies different that conventional I feel strongly that Organic is tons better for your body digestive tract and your health. My personal experience has proven that when i personally eat a balanced organic Diet verses the conventional Slop that is what passes for food in the Grocery stores I feel healthier stronger and My meds have less interactions with my body in other words less side effects and I am able to keep a healthy body weight and healthier life style. But Please Tell me what you think as for me my diabetes is in better control my HIV is undetectable I have less headaches and my stomach doesn't hurt from peptic ulcer disease or gerd so please leave a comment talk about this when it comes to just a few cents difference in the wallet isn't  it better to spend the extra penny for more flavorful and better for you food? Tell me what You think ........

by a qualified professional.

Atripla Dream Or Vision I dont know

So it was winter snow all around driving in a caravan up to South Dakota My Family had finally accepted they're Native roots and I was to go into Rabbit lodge to speak to the elders and Hear they're wisdom My beloved Uncle was there My aunts and cousins and my sisters and they're children On the way up there I was driving Bear and Apache my two cousins were in the very Back seat and Jena was in the middle with a bunch of the kids in a big rented Pow wow Van Apache and Bear were being silly saying that old adage are we there yet and I took my eyes off the road and said "NO WE ARE NOT THERE YET" I turned around and lo and behold  haoyolka the elk was there right in front of me with a herd I had no choice but to hit him destroying the front end of the Van but no one was hurt it was a miracle. But there was no room in the other cars fro any of us so we sent the kids off with the rest while we waited for help it didn't take long for a tow truck to get to us and get us to another dealer and into another vehicle we eventually got there but I needed the ceremony more than ever. then I woke up and I decided to shower cause I needed spiritual cleansing I started with my body it scared me it just truly scared me there are other parts of the dream so vivid but I am losing them now I just don't know how to interpret them.
Now I created this blog to help with accepting my HIV and who I am but part of it is the traditional part my native heritage with out which I would not be here today... SO i need to see what comes of this I must ask my beloved elders to confer on this and tell me the meaning so I am going to go into prayer for the love of my family the love of my people for people who suffer with the virus I need to get to the bottom of this so I can finally know I f I am on the right path my dreams are my own and the medication has never taken over before but this time I wonder if the medication just might Have I have come to terms with living with my virus we coexist co habitat in the temporary body of ours but are the medications taking from me that part of my spirit and sullying it. Taking away my dream ability I do not know and it scares me so much Cause I can not live with out my dreams my abilities that I was gifted with my whole life.
yes it scares me but I do want to live does it mean I am a bad person that I would try to keep the gifts I always had that I am selfish in this way I do not know so I will go in to prayer confer with the elders I have come to know those few who I trust. I want to live I need to live I have the desire and will to live. I would do anything to be free of this virus to be just me again but I know the reality is I live with it and I need to just continue to accept it.so till the day come I will educate about everything I know about myu virus and my meds as they come and go hopefully this is a medication dream, and I am not on my way to this folly if so I will be on look out for the signs on the trip I pray for the good to happen now I am going back to bed to try to rest in my restless lonely nights. Love to you all Pielamaya Megwetch and A'ho all who have taken the time to read my dream ramblings

Mondays Random Rambling

I don't Know where to begin today Has been extremely cold I woke up about ten times in the night. I long for the night I can sleep through. I never thought when I was younger how much sleep affected me that and the lack thereof . People often forget how a good nights sleep really refreshes the Human body. I have had a hard time eating anything and all that that has been bothering me too. Just nothing sounds or tastes good anymore.I love to cook but when I cant taste what it Is that I am cooking whats the point. I hate not feeling at the top of my Game my meds are doing a number on my body I am going up and down in my wight And I really cant stand it. When I look in the mirror I see a stranger staring Back at me bags under my eyes and the weight on my face I just don't see me anymore. I often wish I wasn't getting older that I could go back and freeze time where I was once and I know it seems so well shallow but I am not the guy I use to be physically or emotionally. I guess I have grown from  place deep in side and I have changed enormously I am not saying I have grown in a bad way at all with the exception of my weight I just wish I was youthful and hopeful again. In some ways I have never lost any hope at all but then there are the times where I am like my body feels the weight of itself and the weight of the world. The cold the heat it seeps into my bones and I feel it all the pain in peoples Eyes the sadness lurking in the people around em I feel it all its not that I am extra sensitive its that i just have always seen it. I feel it an it hurts.
The good thing is I don't feel so alone anymore I know I am never alone I have faith in good people and the Creator I know that No matter what no one can tear me down no matter how hard they try I am doing good work By telling my story. people have thanked me more than once So I will continue to tell my story never giving up or giving in its what keeps me strong.I don't go out seeking others to tear them down or try to contradict what others do that is on them not my place I never judge its not my place I live everyday the best way that I can I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am always there for some one in need Life has been good to me I am very blessed that Is how I see it. I have been working on me and I have been who I am for as long as I can remember. So I do this with respect to those who are not HIV pos and those who are newly diagnosed or who just need to know they are not alone.
It seems to me allot of People who are HIV pos are so afraid to let others know their Status well its very important to know your status its important for you and your partner  if your in a pos neg relationship you need to protect your partner and you need the support of that partner life is never going to be easy it never gets to the point of breaking even when you feel like it is it doesn't I say this because I have been so down before I didn't know how strong I was but i am here I am stronger than ever I am alive and I see the best that life has to offer even when my darkest hour was upon me I know it wasn't a breaking point because if it was I wouldn't be here we all have ways of looking at things differently that is what makes us all unique in our own ways but I am unique in the fact that I have survived where other people couldn't I have a strength that others may not have or could not bring out in them selves I have will to live love and fight. I could spend my life feeling sorry for myself locking myself away from society but I wont I don't I go out and I tell I share my story and i live everyday knowing this doing this being me getting stronger Day By day moving forward living each day as it comes and being grateful for each new day that comes my way I know I have been blessed and i know That through it all life will never give me more than I can handle at one time so there is my Monday rambling i hope it helps you I know that blabbering has helped me thanks for reading

Sunday Morning

It is after 1 am I took My sleeping pills and I am still wide awake Why? I still have yet to figure out why I have insomnia why I sleep only 2 to 3 hours and then I am up all damn day and Night it has been like this for allot of years I am still working on all of this. I can say that throughout my life I have had these issues long before  I was positive I was an Insomniac long before I was pos I was a diabetic and had many other health Issues. It totally sucks cause while my body refuses to sleep I cant seem to think properly my thoughts are totally random and I cant keep up with them I am always trying to make sense of what goes on in my damn head but I have yet to do so.
So suffice it to say I have serious issues with my body my sleep schedule and well everything. So we had a fantastic Dinner tonight I have yet to put anything away I don't want to I am too fucking lazy yes I admit I have a problem that Problem Is sheer Laziness. I feel as though I do enough allot of the time but not enough most of the time yeah a total contradiction see what I mean total randomness.
 I just cant get my thoughts to seen to stay right at the moment. Life is just at time a series of Random events I am hoping to go to sleep soon god the commercials at night are so freaking weird gah I don't know what to think at the moment and my cousin is sitting here making me laugh so off i ma going to go for a rest thanks for reading tonight morning

Love and Life

I Have always been told take your time in love.Well when you have so little time in this world with out the virus why then should we take our time why not Fall just flat out Fall head over heals and feel the euphoria of love and let it completely encompass who we are? I just don't see the point of Taking your time when time is so precious for all of us living with or with out the Virus.Love heals a fragile Shattered battered and bruised life. After everything all of us go through why not allow Love to heal us make us better People. It seems to me to Shy away from love is folly. Love is a gift that should be seen as such for what it is.and I believe that there is no greater gift than love we should not turn from it but embrace it. Love yourself first love your family love your partner love your children have faith in the fact that this is the greatest gift out there...
 So with that Said yes I think I have been blessed with the gift again taking it slow isn't my strong point but I will slowly look forward to what unfolds. I am going to be as patient as the tree is waiting for the rain soaking in the sun. I will stand Tall and be glad by the embraces. I will not judge I will accept what comes I will be who I am with who  i am with and I pray that I am good enough for this journey I have been healing for more than a year from my shattered relationship and now I am going to embrace what comes my way. If it is meant to be then it is meant to be if not I know we will remain friends cause this is one that I am willing to do that with but this is a gift a true gift to know this person my special one I know how blessed I am and I am told that I am not the Lucky one He is he says it all the time. What remains is a blessing from the creator that I have not known in such a long time I am so glad that He found me and gathered the courage To ask me to be with him I would have not ever thought in a million years he of all people would but wow.
So with all that said I have had the Talk with him although he knows everything about me before and and he was more than willing to follow all the rules and was glad I made it a point to be safe he just wants to be with me. And the fact he accepts me for who I am the me inside and all that comes with me and accepts everything I know how blessed i am. It is so important to me to protect my partner and to continue to live by example it has been a life changing experience but not so much that I can not continue to grow and change for the better from everything and this is an experience that even today I would not change for the world my virus has been my blessing it has changed me for the better it has made me a stronger man a stronger ndn and a more compassionate person all together as well as taught me my own self worth above all else it has made me who I am today. Through it all I am here for those in need for those who have lost hope who fear what next shall come I live my life with no more fear no more regrets with my heart on my sleeve with the ones I love nearer to me everyday there are so many reasons to be grateful and I see this Virus for what it is not a death sentence but a learning experience for me for you for all those out there to learn from my experience for all of us and I am truly and utterly blessed not just in love life or luck not just today but everyday and Gitchee Manidoo tungusila Wakonda Creator he has blessed me with the warrior spirit I have today and given me everything to live for everything to learn from everything to be me who i am right now and for this i am always grateful

World AIDS DAY 2011

World AIDS Day 2011 has started great it has been eventful but I am grateful to see it to have been blessed to see this glorious day To know I have helped others to know that My words reach so many that I have inspired others around the world it touches my very Spirit . I was taught that you give of yourself unselfishly and So I do so regardless of the criticism of the people who call me a liar and say I am killing myself with the very treatment that is saving my life. Today is a day of awareness to know your status to teach others how to be safe and to protect themselves. I remember the day I found out I was not in shock or denial I accepted it I was a little angry and disappointed but I am stronger for it I have accepted my virus I live with it I own it for now we both coexist in this body that we share and each Day I know I am here I am positive and I am doing what ever it takes to help others not become positive and the newly diagnosed to seek treatment as soon as possible.I wish I could have the money to travel around the world to speak in front of people to tell my story to teach those people how to protect themselves and to help those who need it seek treatment and accept their Virus so that they can continue to live long healthy and productive lives. I still wait for the day that there is no more HIV that no child is born with it and that it is eradicated from this world until the cure is found I will be here speaking and teaching and doing all that i can for HIV and AIDS awareness ....

Beaded up me A red ribbon

So I am all geared up for tomorrow I beaded that beautiful red ribbon and I found some jewelry pins so that I can wear it. I was at some point worried I wouldn't have anything to wear for the day but laundry is done i also know that it will be a great day as well I plan on going and doing some work at the center or something . I am very excited about doing something active I may even hold Classes to let people learn to bead I have so many extra beads that it could be extremely productive I have had some really productive days lately I am actually doing extrordanarily well and I am very just grateful to be here today and every day .
 Well I think life has given me my downs but now I have some really good ups and for this I am grateful. Well the Baby needs changing and I have company I just wanted to post a short post for the day so people knew what all I did it has been a very good day thank be to the creator.

Gearing Up For World AIDS Day

So As World AIDS Day approaches I am here thinking about where my life is going and in what direction. Life is going so good now I am in my own place I have a good life i have met someone special and well things are very good Life has many twists and turns but above all I remember it is not my plan but the creators Plan. So Living with this virus and coming to terms with all of it all of me has been a long hard Road at times very much so but there is no more depression over the fact I am pos It is been just living with the virus and teaching about it and loving life and living to the fullest I have a great life I am doing great in my life and i am who I am I am proud of where I come from grateful for where I have been and am looking forward to the future as it comes my way.
 SO some big days are coming up My Cousins birthday my two nieces birthdays and my birthday we were thinking of going to Darko for some of it to see family down there and go to the festival of lights life is so good that we can finally make plans like this I love it my life is just looking so wonderful and my amazing family my two sisters here my sisters in Oklahoma and new Mexico as well as my brothers and sisters elsewhere and my cousins thanks god for my Cousins my aunts my uncles it is them who have humbled me taught me to be who I am who I really am and for that i am utterly grateful through it all I am blessed and more and more everyday life is just getting better and better and for all that I am utterly amazed and in awe.
Life has been becoming more and more complete with each new day and as each day comes I successfully become more and more a better person a better speaker a better educator I may not be the greatest writer but Its coming along. I thank god for all my blessings even the fact that I can wake up on December 1 put on my red ribbon and go out of the house and be alive I thank god everyday for the blessings I have there is nothing greater in this world than to be alive in this moment for today there is no day but today remember what is coming and how to face it I am doing that myself its coming and life is good

Moving its been so rough

Well So here is the deal I been moving for the last few days I am still not done the whole thing is I don't have a vehicle nor the money for a moving van it would be nice I could be done in a day if I did but well I use the resources I have at hand and I am utterly grateful for what I am given life Has not always been kind or fair but I have never had to deal with anything I couldn't Handle Life Is absolutely beautiful and for that I am grateful I have a beautiful home with my family its just absolutely amazing I never stop being amazed at how wonderful and beautiful My life is becoming every single day with such a wonderful family and network of support I have been utterly blessed in my life thank you creator for everything you have given me so many blessings in the world with my cousins sisters brothers aunts uncles everything.
 My family is far from perfect don't get me wrong they aren't the Brady bunch but I can say through all the years I have Had My family stand by me and I have always stood by them my whole life and I am one hundred percent Grateful and thankful to have that security in my life the family has stood by me and for that I am grateful and thankful I am going to have a wonderful Thanksgiving cause I'm going to be spending it in my new home and with my sisters and with my family its going to be absolutely a thankful day.
 The only real issue I has this year Is I am going to be spreading myself very thin my sisters both bought new homes this year and I just got into my new home so its like everyone wants to do the holiday at their house and its you know cause we are grateful for having these blessings we has in our lives so I am going to be eating like 7 times this year lolz . hey At least I know I wont go hungry i may gain 15 pound this Thanksgiving but ehh its alright.

just another morning in my life

Ok so here is the  deal I am having issues with sleep allot of the time I don't dream one of the side effects of my medication is that I will have vibrant dreams well I don't have that at all ok erm, allot of the time I just fall into a black abyss this is why I stay away from the sleep state I can say though I have had allot of memory issues but I don't know if its due to my meds or not and the imbalances in my well my Bm's man some days it really sucks one day or for sometimes three days I cant go and then there are days when I am on the pot for like days on end I hate it.But no one ever said that life was ever going to be easy and you know the thing is that its never easy with any kind of chronic illness and that's what HIV is a chronic illness its just some days are better than others you know what I mean.
 So I was suppose to go to the doctors today or so I thought lmao funny thing my appointment is the 15th god my brain I really someday just cant believe all the crap I go through internally externally uuurrrrrgggg well I am just going to have well just be ok with it accept it and keep moving forward its not like I have much choice but to make the best of the situation and be grateful for each new day you know what saying I know sometimes it seems as though I ma complaining but I am not I am venting if anything you know i am telling it like it is this is life with HIV there is no getting out of it its my life If I am going to live I have to keep going like this. I know I will never give in or give up that's for sure I don't quit that easy.so Here I am back in bed just laying here working on the blog wondering does it get better will the loneliness go away I am sure it will life always gets better doesn't it I just have to keep going to know for sure don't I ?
 I was talking to god last night and I said "Creator I will make you no bargains I will not give you an ultimatum but here is what I will do I will keep living when I rise in the morning I will pour my tobacco and say a prayer for the ones who cant i will keep going I will keep moving forward I will keep living i will not give in or give up I will be strong not because your going to take this from me but because these are just the trials I must get through and keep serving the community and our youth for you". I never receive answer's but I get the feeling i am doing the right thing for the creator.
I know this is my life to have these struggles and to keep going to build strength of my spirit through moving forward in this world with the troubles and with the struggles we all stumble but most of us have someone to help pick us up in some way or other and i have so many people that are here that pick me up every single day and for that I am grateful. I have been asked how did you feel when you found out you were HIV pos and honestly I can say i accepted it and I just kept moving forward. Life was never going to be easy for me it was never meant to be easy the roads I was meant to travel were always meant to be my own and I was always meant to stumble and fall so that the Creator could send people into my life to help pick me up and it is my job to let them and to be grateful for it.
I think Red Jumpsuit Apparatus has it right when they sing " I will never let you fall" in guardian angel that song reminds me of my life because I have had so many guardian angels in my life and I have been so blessed that all I can be is grateful even with everything all my struggles I am grateful.

Veterans Parade and Trail Of Tears Memorial Walk

OK so today was a busy day I was in a Parade with Uncle Mark then I was in the Trail of tears memorial Walk..Long day but fulfilling I saw many familiar faces and shook Many hands had Many hugs and Laughed Allot. Through it all I had in the back of my mind this is nothing in comparison too what my mothers Great Grandmother Went through when she was relocated. Today we are truly blessed if we live in Urban society we have cell phones androids Iphones we have cars and Jobs and homes. We have so much that back then we didn't we were forcibly removed from our lands and we walked we cryed some even Died. Life for the Urban Indian is allot simpler that for the rez ndn but life still has its ups and downs. In a world of inequality in a world where we have to go into the military for lack of anything else the job Markets are so scarce life can be rough but at least we can remember it is not 1832 and we are not being walked on a 700 mile journey with little to no food we are not being taken from our homes we are blessed with what we have, and we don't forget our past we remember our ancestors we live and move forward for them everyday,
 Well after the walk I went to the Indian center there was music the drum of course there was people from all different times of my life I saw many old friends made some new ones sat and spoke about my HIV with some young people and made sure that they all knew how blessed I felt I was I never forget who I am I never forget where I come from I never forget I am POS and have a duty to teach when ever an opportunity arises I walk in a good way I do my best I live everyday and never forget I am who I am and that I am HIV Pos but I am truly and eternally blessed people listen to me. People Heed my words. I am 34 and when I speak people hear me.this is a good thing.
 Well enough of my rant I thank you for taking the time To read this post I thank you for everything and I walked for all those who couldn't I prayed for all those who needed it I taught all those who needed it and now I am going to rest up a bit and thank the creator for giving me such a wonderful day A'ho

how I feel right here right now

Often Times I find myself wondering what would i do under different circumstances would I even bother with HIV education or anything like that. I have been wondering if I wasnt Diagnosed Would I have ever done more that volunteer at a meels on wheels for HIV pos people I dont know sometimes it is so damn hard to know what to do and if I am doing the right thing in life. well I am just writing a short post I will be going to the Trail Of tears memorial walk tomorrow I hope I can Find a ride there well all wish me luck and be blessed and good to yourselves and eachother until next time if your neg stay that way if your POS you know how to get a hold of me for advise much love and respect to my peeps out there in internet land

Monday Morning and I am wicked tired

I went to sleep roughly at 1 am woke up roughly at 4 am my meds are really messing with my sleep cycles. The cocktail they have me on for my heart and depression supersedes the sleep aid they have me on and my HIV med. I am on such a multitude of medications for my depression anxiety pain heart and lungs as well as stomach and diabetes that sometimes my sleeping aid doesn't help. Now the Atripla should knock me out on its own but it doesn't so they put me on Ambien and 6 times out of ten that just doesn't work. I try to sleep I take all my pills as directed and I still have issues with my blood being to thick so I am going to look to see if predaxa is on the medicaid formulary cause then I wont need the constant blood work all the time. My insulin has kept my diabetes in check thank god. but there is so much more wrong with me. And the lack of sleep is really bothering me I rarely get a full nights rest and if i get more than 8 hours I am down for 2 to 3 days and then I am up for ever it sucks and I am constantly in pain from my pain disorders the methadone helps to a point but the muscle3 relaxers are barely doing their job either.
 I know living with this chronic illness is so frustrating that's why I wish it on no one.I often times find my self dreaming I wake up and I am HIV free but still have lingering issues I know I have the issues with my health for a reason to help me know compassion for others but do I really have to suffer like this all the damn time. No I don't raise My hands to heaven and curse the creator and I don't beg him to take it all back I suffer so others don't have too and maybe one day there will be a cure for everything I have and I will be completely free if not for me then for someone with similar issues one day I hope you come soon.
  I although wish I could find someone to share my life with and share my experiences with and someone to be with as a companion a lover a friend but as it stands with my health I am often discouraged that I will never find that especially being HIV pos. The biggest thing is I am so open about my HIV status like its the first thing I will make sure people know about me.I know it seems crazy but I feel I need to be 100% honest and upfront from the get go so they know what they might be getting themselves into you know it shouldn't bother people as much especially the fact that I take extra care so as not to infect my partner. its just often hard to find a willing person even a pos person to date but I know one day one day I will find love the real deal and not a compulsive chronic pathological liar like my last ex. Or a total reject which I have dated a few of those as well but I just want someone to love me and make love to me and be ok with it and love doing it I want the passion and the love and intimacy above all else I crave the intimacy of another human being who searches for me in the confines of our bed to share not just my bed or my home but to be my split apart the one that once we find eachother we just fit together.
 Its just so hard to do especially with everything I have and all that I do.I advocate HIV education the more you know and are aware the better prepared you are for it it has been said so many times that although HIV is no longer a death sentence it is a life sentence that's scary for people you know.I could possibly be somebodies life sentence that just doesn't sound too appealing to people you know. I would rather just be someones everything that which they long for and with my virus there is a wall that scares them all away.
Well  I guess I have babbled on long enough today at least I can say I am still here it is Monday October 24th and I am still here and I am still HIV pos till the day they find the cure I will remain here and I will help people cope and come to terms with their diagnosis as well as help others to stay HIV free I pray for an HIV free world its the prayer I pray every day thanks for taking the time to scope my blog I love you all and you could love your self too be safe play safe and be well till next time I am out

So Far I Am Still Here

 I know The title sounds a bit on the pessimistic side but I am not feeling well I have been having terrible sweats all day and its been a very chilly day. Living with chronic illness as well As my HIV is very Taxing at sometimes and I am always wondering to myself if I am still here for any reason any  reason at all then I get a phone call from someone writing a book and has asked me for some input so I guess I am still needed.Yet I find on days like this I tend to be a bit put off from the world in general especially when i am in so much Pain I am a total grouch but I can say today was still a gift a gift to see a new day a gift to be here in this world.
 I don't see myself Making my journey anytime in the near future I know I have a long way to go as long as I still have something to say and as long as my words reach at least one person I know I am getting the job done I am going to be here and doing this for a long while and I am proud of that.
 So just a bit of an update I have moved yet again its been rough but ultimately I am in a better place then I was and although I loved where I was there was just to much going on there for me to have to deal with on top of everything else. It is so hard to feel like I can just relax and everything will be aok cause it doesn't work like that not really life is never what you expect it to be and hardly ever fair I know i just have to play with the hand I was dealt and know in my heart that everything happens for a reason.
 I just wish these sweats and shakes would stop even for just one day if I could have a normal acting body that does what its suppose to do it would be great but well I gotta do what I gotta do with what I got. Its surprising to know who I can count on for things and the like Like Pre and Tabi and Deb all people who I can depend on in my darkest hours. Like I said life is utterly full of surprises.

I am Still Here and I am still positive

So I was Diagnosed 14 years ago with this virus I have never had a remission like you would with cancer I have never woke up thinking that I am cured I have never had the opportunity to be anything other Than HIV positive since My diagnosis.It is a curse I live with but its a blessing in disguise. What I have learned since my diagnosis is that life is very  precious and that we all have gifts to offer.
 It Has taken me time to come to the realization that I am worth more than just My virus or my looks or sex. For   a long time I had equated love with sex. Love is more much more than Sex, Love is life love is sharing your spirit with another love is all that and more.And I have so Much to offer more than just my experience with my virus and I have more to offer than just sex. I am worth something and I am a beautiful spirit and soul.
It has taken me time to realize this all these years living with the Virus I never thought I could find anyone or anything to share myself with. I live everyday as though it is my last because everyday could very well be its not just cause I am HIV positive it is because I am human I am mortal I have come to terms with my mortality because of my Virus. And that is a true blessing I know just how precious life is I have come to the realization that life is more than Just getting By to let life pass you by there is so much to do with the precious time we are given. I was given this virus to speak about it to educate on it to live and learn from it the lessons are good ones and I am Listening.
 I have learned that living is learning life is giving love is caring and we must all do what we must in order to be the best that we are in this world. Life is sometimes confusing sometimes crazy sometimes just plain great.. Living with HIV is difficult enough but stressing over random Life issues on top of that can be truly crazy.. Life is absolutely wonderful for the most part I believe I was blessed rather than cursed with this Virus I believe I was given this virus to help serve a much grater purpose than just to suffer. Many people believe that we are given things like HIV for suffering and to prove that Homosexuals are somehow wrong they fail to see that new infection rates are much higher in the straight communities not because we have straight Allys but because it is not just a Gay Virus it is a human Virus and we all have to work together to put an end to it.If we can not come together on a common ground and work to fight HIV together we will wind up in a tailspin falling and failing each other and the human race altogether.
 So yeah Here I am with all this randomness worried about so many things touching on hardly anything how Do I get through today one more day with HIV? I get through it by going through the motions that I go through everyday.
 Some days Are Harder than others that's for sure I know but I  get through each day with a prayer and I live each day for what it is I try to do whats right for me and I try to teach every day is a process of waking up and making due with the hand I was dealt. I can say life is never easy for any of us and its never easy for me but in the stead of sitting and complaining I am trying to make a difference and make this world a better place for having me in it. Life Is a gift each new day is a gift to me and I will be here to help for as long as I can I hope all my friends know they can come to me for advise. I am here for the newly diagnosed I am here for those who are still neg I hope people stay neg in order to do that then you must protect your self above all else this doesn't just go away you live with it for the rest of your life.

saturday sept 17th 2011

Wow no special Title no special Subject to speak on I guess I have become average.My Levels well they aren't so good I am going to have to go and see about changing My meds.My heart well its not doing so good either my blood was way to thick I am seriously running the risk of throwing a clot any day.Stress Is well high right now I know I am not in the best Place but its a place and well i am really tired of people being douche bags.You know I just don't deal well with Idiots.
So I am really pretty much done in certain arena's of my life when I move from here and Into My own spot I am going to remain very single.I definitely Like the whole Living single thing I really do just me and my dogs no one else to worry about you know what I mean.I have enough to deal with as it is.I just really want my freedom my privacy and my solace. A place to call home a place where I am secure a place of my own.
And I am stubborn opinionated and I need to not have to worry all the time about things I say or have to deal with drunk idiots invading my personal space.to only have to worry about making a meal for myself at the end of the day and living a solitary life.I don't need to look after anyone else I don't want to look after anyone else I just want my own spot where I can be alone If I want to take my damn clothes off I can just take my clothes off If I want to sit in my living room naked all day I can do that .
I know it sounds crazy but I want to be alone I really fucking do its just what i know I need at the moment.I have no words of wisdom I just want some damn peace and quiet no 25 year old grown ass people arguing all day all nite like two little ass kids and me having to sit and listen to the shit, sorry I don't want to know why you think you are so much fucking better than the whole fucking world and why everyone else is so fucking stupid in fact I don't want to hear all your excuses for being a douche bag and a mooch.And I defiantly don't want to hear a grown ass man come into my house and try to fucking tell me I don't fucking do shit your lucky I am not the person I was 10 years ago cause you would not be alive today to tell your story telling me your loser ass does anything for anyone all talk no action motherfucker now that I got that bit of a vent out I am simply going to say ahhhhhhhhh.
Yeah My week has been eventful my month my year my life with out the events in my life I wouldn't be who I am today.HIV pos and still trying to Make the world a better place even when it feels as though everyone is dead set against me even when it feels like every asshole out there in the world has it seriously in for me....Well all is said and done I am single I am alive I am happy with who I am and I have been through allot worse in my life you know. So I walk forward and take in the new days and the new breath that I am given and I live for today because tomorrow May never come....

September 11th 2011

I woke up today and I remember that day.I remember where I was what I was doing everything.Did It change me? I dont really think so.I was still HIV pos I was not quite 24 I still had to eventually go to work.Life kept going for me.I saw the inevitable we invaded another country we went to war it was Life.Was I afraid? No I was 24 and had been diagnosed with HIV for about 3 year's by then and I knew I had been Pos for about 5 or so as i know who infected me how could a terrorist attack be any worse for me you know I figured we would get on with it and go to war.A war I couldnt fight cause I was battling one of my own...
Ten years ten years is all I can think of 14 years with the virus ten years with all of the memories of 9/11 the loss of our soldiers the loss of all the victims and the war the loss of human life on both sides nothing in this world is more precious than human life.It doesnt Matter to me how a life is lost all life is precious and all loss of life a tragedy.HIV/AIDS infection is still so damn high I wish we could lower the numbers so very much.The numbers seem to be about 54% Higher in HIV/AIDS related Deaths than the deaths related tot the War in the middle east.thats just US HIV deaths alone ...
Well Life keeps going it is our Job to remember and to move forward in life to love eachother to educate our youth and teach them how to be strong and healthy and to keep our children and our youth tolerant of eachother and to teach love one another not hate.
You know Someone asked a question how has 9/11 changed you? Well as i have stated in the above it really didnt not just because I was so far from ground Zero but because so many other things were gong on in the world not just pertaining to 9/11 and bin laden but things going on in the Native american community and in the HIV/AIDS community...
Well after all is said and done there are more HIV/AIDS related deaths then war related deaths yet we remember one and not the other more so well we have to remember and educate I think on both subjects always.....

A day in my single life

I am Gay I am Native American And I am HIV Positive I sit and wonder is there romance out there for me? I mean sure everyone can find a one night stand everyone can find someone to have a friends with benefits program with but I am far too old for that any more. I am 33 years old and I just cant handle this not knowing if I am going to have some one to grow old with.Yes I know the chances of finding the one that one person that was made just for you is like one in six point 4 billion but I mean there is a chance right?I mean for every person out there there is that one special someone that the creator created just for them. I hear about it all the time I have witnessed it many times.I want that in my life I want to have that one special someone in my life...
I want the same thing everyone else wants to find a good person to spend the rest of their life with.Its not much I ma not asking for the unreasonable I am asking for something that everyone wants. I never expected that life would be easy or that it would be rainbows and sunshine. You know I don't have false expectations I don't expect to fall in love at first sight or expect more from people than they are willing to give me. But I do expect that I will find someone to love. To find someone to love and someone to love me in return.That's all I have ever wanted its all someone anyone ever really wants in this world.One day I will find that but i hate the in between time I hate waiting for something that is so far off in this world.Or rather something that feels so far away.
Well I never talk about relationships and such. It is so rare for me to speak on such things I guess I am just seriously tired of how life has been getting me down. Yeah I don't think anyone likes being alone.I think everyone wants to have some form of stability in their lives.No I am not going to be your Daddy No I am not going to be your Baby I want to be your world I want that someone to be my world..Its not allot to ask.I have an education I want someone who I can conversate with I don't want people to assume I am thinking something I am not I ma not jealous there is no reason for jealousy Why because if you want to be with me you will be with me if you want to love me you will love me if you want all of me you will ask for all of me you will not cheat on me you will not try to step out on me you will try everything in your power to be with me you will romance me you will try everything to be with me you will woo me you will put in the effort if you don't want to do that then oh well your not going to be worth my time and hence there will be no reason for jealousy I deserve the best because I am the best I will love you with every thing that is me I will stand by you when you need someone to to stand by you I will be a shoulder on which you can cry I will be your friend when you need one.I will be your foundation your rock and I expect the same in return.I don't put in effort where I see no effort being put in in return.
I guess everyone needs something you know I know I need someone in my life someone that will not hinder my personal growth I need someone in my life that will be beneficial to me not financially beneficial but emotionally I could care less about the money a man makes or what kind of damn car he drives I just need someone who is good kind loving like myself I am very much a great person. And I am praying I find someone like myself I know I am not perfect I have my flaws but I know that I am at my core a great and loving person.

Tuesday Morning Aug 16th 2011 and I am still positive

So I was Diagnosed 14 years ago with this virus to this day I have never had a remission like you would with cancer I have never woke up thinking that I am cured I have never had the opportunity to be anything other Than HIV positive since My diagnosis.It is a curse I live with but its a blessing in disguise. What I have learned since my diagnosis is that life is very  precious and that we all have gifts to offer.
 It Has taken me time to come to the realization that I am worth more than just My virus or my looks or sex. For   a long time I had equated love with sex. Love is more much more than Sex, Love is life love is sharing your spirit with another love is all that and more.And I have so Much to offer more than just my experience with my virus and I have more to offer than just sex. I am worth something and I am a beautiful spirit and soul.
It has taken me time to realize this all these years living with the Virus I never thought I could find anyone or anything to share myself with. I live everyday as though it is my last because everyday could very well be its not just cause I am HIV positive it is because I am human I am mortal I have come to terms with my mortality because of my Virus. And that is a true blessing I know just how precious life is I have come to the realization that life is more than Just getting By to let life pass you by there is so much to do with the precious time we are given. I was given this virus to speak about it to educate on it to live and learn from it the lessons are good ones and I am Listening.
 I have learned that living is learning life is giving love is caring and we must all do what we must in order to be the best that we are in this world. Life is sometimes confusing sometimes crazy sometimes just plain great..

New Days

http://www.facebook.com/groups/235947083116443
 So today I decided to Make  new Facebook group so that people can express themselves freely its a safe place where you dont have to be guarded and can feel free to be you you can use what ever language you like as long as you dont attack other members of the group.Living with HIV is difficult enough and if your gay or a human rights activist on top of the virus somehow being in your life whether it is you living with it or someone you know we get frustrated we get angry we get upset and we are all human and should be ok with speaking our minds yes we are educated most of us butt then again we can just str8 up lose it.
 And I feel its ok to lose it sometimes I feel that if you dont show your ass sometimes your just not human.we have to feel free and safe in order to be us.Someone says lies on you and your not suppose to get mad you know just how does that work I would really like to know. So I stomped and screamed and yelled and cussed. I am over it is done I can now move on.There its pretty simple. I am a loving guy and I get angry sometimes its who I am part of me I can be all rainbows and gumdrops but life isn't always rainbows and gumdrops life hurts life is angry life is all of the above thats what keeps us moving forward.
 Am I afraid of life HELL NO.Am i afraid of death HELL NO.. It is all a never ending circle our jobs is to do the very best we know how when we can and how we can we are going to make mistakes and when we go home then and only then will everything come to full fruition the creator will tell us what we did right and what we did wrong even in the best of intentions.
 I dont Hate anyone not even morons I hate their actions and all but I dont hate them.Life is too fukking precious to waste on hate..My time is precious and I need to vent sometimes and let it out and then move on its all I can do..

Keepin It Real

So I have been very angry lately about allot of things I know why because I feel a sense of moral outrage. Hmmm Apparently I am not suppose to be human and speak out of line I am not suppose to cuss when angry i am not suppose to do this or that I am suppose to be bland and mindless because i am suppose to be a damn robot emotionless cause it is the proper thing to do. News flash I am neither prim nor proper I have sex wait I get down and dirty and str8 up fuck sometimes oh my goodness am I not suppose to be human. We all do it we all cuss we all make mistakes while venting our hearts but oh wait its inappropriate..
 Sorry If I am not plastic enough for your tastes Maybe thats why I only have 20 or so followers on my blog because people are afraid to say they read someone who expresses themselves when I cry I cry when I scream and stomp I scream and stomp when I wail I wail and when I bleed I bleed. Plain simple to the point I am  Human Being far from perfect. but in my spirit at my very core in my imperfections that is what makes me perfect   I will stand by you when you need me I will catch you when you fall but very few have caught me when I fell with out something in the back of their minds like there was going to be something in it for them.
 I have never asked someone to pay me back even when I really needed them too but I am on hard times and I have people telling me "maybe you should stop poisoning myself with the AIDS meds and get off disability and get a fucking job" number one I was given disability due to several non HIV related issues and one of which was a severely messed up Back from a long term injury as well as my diabetes and heart disease that both stem from birth.I am 100% insurable outside of disability. and working is no longer an option for me.
Do you honestly think I dont like working I have loved almost every job I ever had aside from being a server for the Brief period of time.that all aside I do what Ic an to educate this is not therapy for me this is a place I write so others can learn from my experiences to protect themselves to see what life has in store for them if they dont take the necessary precautions.
 I am not here for recognition I am here so that people put there who are neg stay that way and those who are newly diagnosed well that they seek the proper treatment.There is no reason that you should not be seeking treatment president Obama just gave several million dollars to the federal adap budget and plans to raise the adap budget over the next two years.so there is no reason to not seek the proper treatment.
 Now that said I suggest everyone get proper HIV education and get tested regularly.You need to protect yourselves and remember its your body you need to take care of it it is your responsibility to take care of you if a person wont wear a condom the your answer to sex is no no ifs ands or butts no means no if they wont wear a condom or let you wear one then its time to bounce out..
that said I am done here for today just keeping it very real...

14 years ago

Yesterday was my 14 year anniversary of being diagnosed with HIV I am still here 14 years ago I had no concept of how I would make it through it all.I was 19 and Had heard nothing good to be said of the HIV cocktails at the time I was diagnosed in a time where people were still dying on a regular basis in fact RENT was still on Broadway I went and saw that show and hated it just fucking hated it due to the similarities in my own life I was struggling I was young I was Gay and I was Pos.I didn't want to go on AZT I swore I would never allow myself on HIV meds not as they were anyway. The meds that were currently on the Market at the time were all derivatives of Cancer drugs I knew what cancer drugs did to your body I had been there done that and I didn't want to go back to that . Especially not at 19 and to have to be on it for the rest of my life to literally poison myself like that I wasn't about to do this to myself I had my whole life ahead of me and I was alone in my battle I decided to talk to people inform them about protecting myself i went to the local gay and lesbian safe area for youth and I spoke to kids there about safe sex never have sex with out a condom its your life spiel look at me you would never yadda yadda yadda I did this for years at the Billy De-frank center as a volunteer.I never got paid for speaking i did it because I knew I had too.

I just didn't want anyone else to go through what I was going through an abusive relationship with the guy who had infected me and I stayed with that emotional physical and sexual abuser for 7 long years. I was angry all the time I was like why am I still here I shouldn't be here I should be dead I am not on meds not seeking treatment all I do is talk to kids about safe sex is there a plan for me is that the plan so I began my journey in education 14 years ago all because of that fateful day in doctor Stevens office where his partner in practice took me aside and said Larry we have got to talk. she had advised me of great HIV specialists I said no thank you I like my doctors that I have you guys can treat me here I am not going on meds they are no good anyway I was stubborn and bullheaded and angry and confused I was just 19 years old and had no Idea if i was going to have a future it was tough.People are often times seriously amazed at me and I wonder why because I am nothing out of the ordinary I am not extraordinary I am just your average guy trying to make a difference in the world the only way I know how too. I did Hide my status a while from my family only because I never wanted to worry them I had had friend with AIDS who had died when I was younger and I didn't want to worry my mom and dad that they would out live me a parent should never have to suffer that kind of grief. when I did come out to my family about being Pos they were accepting mom cried and said she was going to wind up burrying another child and i said no I would live not to worry about me my gramma said Now Sandi this is our lil Bum he is a Bender Comes from good strong stock he wont be going anywhere's any time soon.*note to the reader My moms name was Sandi My nickname as a child was Bum and my mother's Maiden name is Bender *

 So getting back to the point of all of this I decided I would do something with my life so I spoke about the affects of HIV on the people infected and the those who love them as well as the affects of the medications and how they can tear someone up real bad. Don't get me wrong I always told the newly diagnosed to seek treatment find a doctor in their area but I would not go on meds I refused it was a decision I had made for my self at the time after i had been HIV pos for some time fat forward to june of 09 I was in the Dr office my HIV specialist yeah I finally had gotten one. She had been talking to me for years about getting on meds and well she took me in the office and sat me down and said Larry I have some bad news your CD-4 levels have dropped down to under 300 we have to face the music now you have to go on HIV meds if you don't want an AIDS diagnosis that was that I could Handle being Pos but having an AIDS diagnosis I could not handle that no way no how and i said well what are the current meds

 14 years ago I couldnt tell you were I would be in a week or a month or six but today I can tell you I am here .

PLaying for Change Amunition beautiful song

Suicide

Someone today asked me a question...How do u guys do it i mean live??????He meant how do you live with yourself Being HIV pos...He wanted to kill himself he had recently attempted Suicide.The thing is if you need someone to talk to there are people out there you can talk to before trying to take your fucking life
and how Do I live I live each day as it comes I know its blessing I know I am blessed  by the creator Life is a gift each new day is a gift yesterday is history tomorrow a mystery but today is a gift that is why it is called the present
you can not look at your past and allow your self to suffer you forgive those who have hurt you so you can move on with your life you can heal in your heart
You take each new day as a fresh breath you walk in the love of the creator you pick up the garbage in the street and put it in the waste receptacle you do one thing at a time you take one step at a time you just keep on going
every single day is something new and wondrous you get to breathe in a new day you get to see a new sunrise a different sunset you get to feel the rain on your face as it falls you get to experience all the wonders of life everything that the creator put here for you to enjoy and it is magnified because you have a greater appreciation for life as you now know your mortality
you accept it you move on you move forward you walk every new step and know that this is yet another gift you go on its all that you can do....
I mean I know its hard .. I know what its like to want to give up.. But I dont. Suicide is the most selfish thing a person can do. There Have been far too many deaths because of bullying and depression it affects all the people in your life like a domino effect. The death of one person can affect the lives of millions just as one person can affect the lives of millions.Just because you are HIV positive does not mean your life is over and just because there are many people who stigmatize HIV and are judgmental about the virus does not mean we must ourselves allow that hate to be spewed into our lives we can walk away or we can educate..Life is far to precious to give up for anyone.
 When you are down when you are lonely you just need to surround your self with beauty and light it does not matter where you are what country what city all you need to do is live well be a good person fill your world with love and light..some of the teachings of my people tell you to remember who you are where you come from and strengthen your self spiritually and I agree with this even if you are not an activist you are a warrior you are fighting an unseen foe you are stronger than you think you can continue to move on in your world..
 Life is so full of beauty and wonder you can do so much in this world you can see so much live each day to the fullest be exactly who you are meant to be. let nothing stand in your way be strong be good live well respect the earth respect yourself judge no one Else's actions be who you are and know in your heart that you are who you are meant to be....